The Emotional Rollercoaster That Lures Otherwise Good Women Into Affairs With Married Men
Nobody sets out to become a mistress, but it still happens to good women every day.
RgStudio | Canva Almost nobody plans on getting into an affair with a married man, but the emotional rollercoaster of meeting one and developing feelings for him can make you feel like you've lost your senses. However, there are some things you should know, including the fact that what you're feeling now will not be the same as the affair goes on.
The idea of having an affair is complex, guilt at the infidelity, but also excitement about new feelings. Unfortunately, those feelings of guilt will never go away, and the excitement will turn to misery.
The emotional rollercoaster that lures otherwise good women into affairs with married men:
1. You will feel intense joy that you have never felt
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- Are you feeling joyful, perhaps in a way you have never felt before?
- Have you met this wonderful man and grown to believe you are soul mates, and there has never been a love like this in the world?
- Are you wondering how you have gotten through your life without the love of this man?
Women who fall in love with married men feel intense joy as the falling happens. While they might seem to have found their perfect match, it is really the release of “feel-good” chemicals, like dopamine and oxytocin, which are released at the beginning of every relationship.
So, those feelings aren’t necessarily the feelings of finding a soul mate, but just feelings every other woman has felt at the onset of a relationship.
2. You will feel hopeful, perhaps for the first time in a long time
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When I had fallen in love with a married man, for the first time in a long time, I felt hopeful. I had been divorced for six years. I had dated a myriad of men, none of whom stuck. When my college crush reappeared, I thought I was going to finally live happily ever after.
The sense of hopefulness was delicious, but unfortunately, it didn’t last.
3. You will feel wicked, an emotion that might cause you internal conflict
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According to clinical psychologist Max von Sabler, when people do something they know is “bad,” they experience “cognitive dissonance,” namely, holding two conflicting beliefs or values at once. This cognitive dissonance can cause us to do things we know aren’t great for us, like having an affair.
The reasons we do these things are myriad. Sometimes we do them for immediate gratification over long-term health. Sometimes, when we do something “bad,” our body releases dopamine to make us want more. Sometimes we do something “wrong” because of trauma we have experienced.
Regardless of the cause, feeling wicked is an emotion that causes mental anguish, and when those emotions appear, it will be the moment when the cycle flips from very good to very bad.
4. You will feel jealousy when he goes home to someone else
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You might be feeling like your person loves you more than anyone else in the world, especially more than his wife. After all, they supposedly live separate lives, they fight all the time, and the marriage is effectively over. Supposedly.
As time goes on, despite his declarations of love and his repeated promises, he will choose his wife over you every time. His wife will be his priority. His wife will be the one he goes home to every night.
So remember, while you might feel sure of his love now, you will question the emotion as time goes on.
5. You will feel anxiety that he will never leave his wife
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When I was having an affair, I lived in a state of constant anxiety. I spent all of my time wondering if he had “talked” with his wife. If he had told her he was leaving her. I wondered if he loved me. I wondered why he would make me promises he wouldn’t keep. All of those worries took over my life, ultimately making me feel unloved and unworthy.
6. You will feel a lack of trust because of his continued broken promises
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Trust is the cornerstone of every relationship. According to the Gottman Institute, “trust is embedded in every fiber of a relationship.”
A lack of trust is born of betrayal, something your married man does every time he makes promises but doesn’t keep them. When people feel betrayed, particularly over and over, they no longer trust their person to keep them safe, and this, over time, erodes the relationship.
7. You will feel unimportant as he continues to not prioritize you
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Much like your married man choosing his wife over you more often than not, he will also not prioritize you over most aspects of his life.
Your man will choose his kids’ soccer games, his work events, taking his dog to the vet, and spending time with his extended family over you. Even worse, as he is doing these things, he will say you are his priority, something he might believe, but is obviously a lie.
Feeling unimportant will ultimately erode your self-esteem, leaving you wondering why you aren’t worthy of someone picking you first. When I was having an affair, after a year, I was a shell of myself. Always being second destroyed my self-esteem and made me question my worthiness in every aspect of my life.
8. You will feel hopeless as all the hope you felt at the beginning will be gone
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Remember, at the beginning of this article, I spoke of the hope you would feel if you got into a relationship with a married man, hope you had found the happiness and love you had dreamed of?
Unfortunately, as a married man repeatedly breaks his promises and puts you second, your sense of hope will disappear, and a sense of hopelessness will replace it. The hopelessness will be more intense than any you have ever felt.
- You will feel hopeless that you will never be with your married man (and questioning if you should be with a man who treats you the way he does).
- You will feel hopeless that you will never find someone who can truly love you.
- You will feel hopeless because you feel like no man could ever replace the married man you love so much.
All of the wonderful hope you felt in the beginning will be gone, replaced with the feeling that you will never be happy again.
9. You will feel abandoned because he will never leave his wife
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This is the most notable emotion you will feel in the cycle of your affair: abandonment. You have not yet given up hope that your married man will leave his wife. Your emotions are winning the battle over your brain on this topic.
But your married man will never leave his wife. Because leaving his wife means leaving his kids, wrecking his finances, and perhaps damaging his social life. And no man is going to do that.
I have a client whose married man told her he was going to leave his wife. He even got an apartment. And, when his wife found out about his affair partner, she gave him 90 days to figure out what he wanted: his affair partner or his family. Ultimately, he chose his family, leaving my client with a sense of abandonment that devastated her.
So, there you go, the cycle of emotions you will feel if you have an affair with a married man.
Right now it all feels like sunshine and roses, but make sure you know the sunshine will turn to storm clouds and those roses will bear their thorns. You will not live happily ever after with this married man, that I can promise you.
Mitzi Bockmann is a NYC-based Certified Life Coach who works with individuals who strive to heal their toxic relationships so they can have their happily ever after. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in The Good Men Project, MSN, PopSugar, Prevention, Huffington Post, Psych Central, among many others.
