6 Signs You're Not In Love With Them — You're Just Stuck In A Spirit-Crushing Loop
Don't get caught in a toxic relationship spiral.
amir photography | Unsplash The symptoms of a troubled, spirit-crushing relationship can be hard to spot, especially if you are in the middle of one. That's why it can be a good idea to get ahead of things and learn the early signs that your new relationship is going to be trouble.
While this list is designed for you to spot the signs of a spirit-crushing loop in your current relationship, you can also use it as a list of things to watch out for when you meet someone new. Either way, you will want to make sure you are in love with them before taking the next step.
Here are six signs you're not in love with them — you're just stuck in a spirit-crushing loop:
1. You don’t feel good about yourself
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The most important symptom to look for is whether or not you feel good about yourself. In a healthy relationship, people feel good about themselves.
- They feel good about who they are in the world.
- They feel good about their relationship.
- They feel hopeful about the future.
In a troubled relationship, things are different. People often feel like they are losers.
- They are sometimes depressed.
- They don’t feel good about their relationship.
- They don’t feel hopeful for the future.
This makes sense because how can someone feel good about themselves if their relationship is unhappy? This often starts with the relationship to their parents and peers growing up, as shown in a study from The American Psychological Association on close relationships and depression.
Always fighting with their partner, always up and down, constantly living on the edge, trying to keep things stable — it's exhausting. So, do you feel good about yourself? If not, it could be a sign of a troubled relationship.
2. You make excuses for the relationship
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A study from The Journal of Family Violence helps us understand the importance of asking if you are always making excuses for how things are in the relationship, to yourself, and others.
When things go wrong, do you tell yourself it's all your fault and that if you just do things differently, all will be fine?
- Do you tell yourself your partner is going through some stuff, and it will be fine once they have passed it?
- Do you tell yourself that if you just love them enough, long enough, everything will be OK?
- How about your friends?
- Are you honest with them about what is happening in the relationship?
- Do you tell them what is happening and then blame yourself?
- Do they tell you this is a toxic relationship, but you make excuses for why it’s not?
People who are in healthy relationships know the relationship is healthy. They don’t have to make excuses to themselves or others about the state of the relationship.
They don’t have to spend a minute worrying about whether the relationship will work out. So, be honest with yourself. How honest are you about your relationship?
3. Your friends and family don’t like your relationship
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This is a big one. If your friends and family don’t like your relationship, pay attention to them. When we are in a troubled relationship, we are drowning in it.
It’s like we are lying in a river with water bubbling over our heads, and we just can’t see or hear clearly. But your friends and family can.
- Do your friends and family point out how you always seem to be fighting?
- Or how are you unhappy?
- Or how are you being treated poorly?
- Or how are you treating someone poorly?
If your friends and family have anything negative to say about your relationship, listen to them! They know you best and only want what is good for you!
4. It's affecting your life and/or work
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I have a client who reached out the other day and told me she can’t get any work done because she is so distracted by the mess of her relationship.
She can’t focus at work. She is too depressed to get things done around the house. The idea of going out with friends is daunting. She no longer does the things she used to love to do.
So, for my client, not only is she feeling bad about her relationship, but she is also feeling sad and lonely, and like a loser. That isn’t helping her relationship because of how she is feeling right now about her place in the world, and she believes the toxic relationship is all she deserves, as shown in research in the Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma.
- Are you finding you can’t get things done around the house?
- Or are you isolating?
- Or you are too depressed to put yourself out in the world.
Don’t blame yourself; you are most likely struggling in a troubled relationship, and that is what you are feeling right now.
5. Nothing is changing for the better
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This is a key symptom of a toxic relationship that is important to take note of. Are the same things happening over and over, and nothing is changing?
- Do you have the same fight?
- Are the same emotions in action?
- Are the same unkind words being said over and over?
One of the hallmarks of a troubled relationship is that no matter how either or both people try, nothing changes. Even though they know something needs to be done, history keeps repeating itself.
If things don’t change, how can your relationship ever be any better? And don’t kid yourself, things will sometimes go back to the way they were in the beginning because they won’t!
So, take note if things are changing for the better in your relationship. If they aren’t, it might be time to make a change.
6. You spend lots of time looking up info on troubled relationships
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So here you are, reading this article about the symptoms of troubled relationships. Is this the first time you have googled “toxic relationships,” or is it a consistent pattern?
If you spend hours and hours searching the internet, trying to learn more about toxic relationships, how to fix them, and what they look like, then it is very likely you are in a troubled relationship.
Research from The Frontiers in Behavioral Neuroscience Journal supports that if your gut says you might be in a bad relationship often enough, you are seeking more information, which is a sign of a troubled relationship.
Looking for information about toxic relationships might not lead to change. You might just get more firmly entrenched in the idea of the relationship and make excuses for it, and that won’t help you make a change.
Relationships start so hopeful, with words of love and hope for the future. When they become troubled, they can be hard to spot. After all, no one wants to let go of what they hoped to have and start over again.
So, ask yourself how you are feeling about yourself, both internally and in the world.
- Do your friends and family like your relationship?
- Is your intimate life a healthy one?
- Is your online search history full of things that follow your gut?
If yes, perhaps it's time to get out of this relationship and find one where you can live happily ever after.
Mitzi Bockmann is a NYC-based Certified Life Coach who works with individuals who strive to heal their toxic relationships so they can have their happily ever after. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in The Good Men Project, MSN, PopSugar, Prevention, Huffington Post, Psych Central, among many others.
