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Here's how to really keep the spark alive.
By The Good Men Project — Last updated on May 29, 2023
By Raza Imam
No one likes to admit it but the truth is that many relationships start to fizzle out after a few years. Whenever you enter into a serious relationship with someone, you want the relationship to be just as strong after five years as it was when you first started dating.
But the reality is that as time goes on, many couples will find that the spark that brought them together starts to die out.
Some couples will learn to overcome this and get the spark back in their relationship. Others will just learn to cope with the relationship as it is (we have all met those couples, ones who should probably break up or divorce, but for some reason, won’t).
Many other couples will just break up entirely.
If you do these 10 things regularly, your relationship will never die out:
1. Regularly share gratitude
With long relationships, it’s very common to forget to compliment your partner.
We get used to our partner doing everyday tasks, that we forget to be appreciative.
For example, in long-term relationships, one partner usually does not thank the other when they cook dinner. But, even a simple “Thanks honey for taking the time to prepare this meal” can really help your partner feel appreciated.
If your partner does not feel appreciated, then that is when resentment starts to build. When resentment builds up, it inevitably leads to fights and screaming matches.
So, just take the time to throw out a thank you every once and a while; your relationship will be better off for it.
2. Regularly share compliments
Couples in long-term relationships tend to stop hearing (and giving) compliments regularly. You get so used to each other that you do not feel the need to tell each other how attracted you are to one another. Even a very small compliment like “You look good tonight” can go a long way.
Men and women like compliments about their appearance but it is not controversial to say that generally, men will get more mileage out of this tip than women will.
3. Rekindle your sex life
A healthy sex life is an important part of an intimate relationship. It does not matter if you have been married for 10 years or dating for 1, a healthy sex life is crucial to making a relationship work.
In many long-term relationships, when the quality of the sex starts to go down, the relationship follows shortly after. If you and your partner are having relationship issues, then you might want to consider examining your sex life and address these issues quickly. It starts by having a discussion about it.
4. Learn to choose your words carefully
Whoever said that “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” was clearly not in a relationship.
It may sound odd at first, but the words you use in a relationship matter. What may sound normal to you may sound hurtful to your partner. This often happens when one partner has an issue (overeating, not helping around the house, etc.) and the other tries to address it. If you are not careful with your word choice, you could end up really hurting your partner.
So, when you talk to your partner, learn to choose your words carefully, especially in sensitive situations.
5. Learn to change things up
Routine has caused the death of many a relationship. People get bored of the same things over and over again. Eventually, they get so bored that they start looking to change things in their lives, which may lead to them becoming discontent with the relationship.
The way to avoid this is to try and be spontaneous. If you usually eat meals at home every night, try taking your partner out on a spontaneous date to a restaurant.
Or, go home to share the news that you planned a weekend getaway for the two of you.
6. Cut off any toxic influences
It is very easy for one or two influential people to really destroy an otherwise healthy relationship. If you notice that there is a toxic influence on your relationship, then you should move to cut them out.
This is often easier said than done. For example, that toxic influence could easily be your partner’s parents or siblings.
That is when you sit down and explain to your partner why you believe this person or person is a toxic influence and why you want to cut them out of your lives.
7. Set up alone time
A big issue with many relationships, especially ones where the 2 partners live together, is that it can be hard to find time to do things on your own.
No matter how much 2 people love each other, they will get sick of seeing each other 24/7. So, sit down with your partner and set some designated alone time, where each of you can do what you want.
8. Develop mutual interests
While practicing your own hobbies and setting aside time to do those hobbies is fine, you should also make sure to have some mutual hobbies with your partner.
Now, these don’t have to be extravagant hobbies, but the hobbies should be stuff that you both enjoy.
So, even if your only hobby involves watching television together that is fine, the important part is that you do stuff together.
9. Learn to set boundaries
If your partner is doing something that you do not like, the secret is not to just lie down and accept it. You should set strict boundaries and let your partner know that whatever they are doing is not acceptable.
For example, if your partner is staying out later with their friends on weekends, then let them know why you do not like that behavior and why they need to change it.
Be understanding, but at the same time make sure that you are firm.
10. Learn to listen
When your partner wants to vent, they will likely come to you first (unless you happen to be the source of the frustration, but that is a whole other issue).
You need to be willing to sit down and listen to them. Even if your partner is being irrational, just let them vent. If you don’t, then your partner may feel like you are not empathetic or that you do not understand their issues. Both of these feelings can lead to resentment building up in your partner.
So, next time your partner comes to you angry about something, pull up two chairs and let them vent.
If you implement even one of these tips, you’ll see dramatic improvements in your relationship.
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Raza Imam is a blogger, best-selling author, and coach who helps others to find the focus to change their lives.