If You Do These 3 Things Naturally In Your Relationship, You're Ready To Talk About Marriage
If these things come naturally in your relationship, you're more prepared for marriage than you think.
Kevin Hellhake | Unsplash Deciding when to have “the talk” about marriage in relationships is a big deal. And knowing how to have a conversation about getting engaged and married is something everyone wants to get right.
Once you've progressed through the initial stages of dating and falling in love, and have even had the DTR (i.e., 'define the relationship') conversation, there are still some important things to talk about with your boyfriend or girlfriend before diving into engagement and wedding planning.
Before deciding when and how to talk about marriage with your boyfriend or girlfriend, it's critical to understand your own core beliefs and feelings about married life. This conversation should come fairly early in a relationship.
Of course, having the conversation too soon means talking about marriage when you’re just starting as a couple, meaning you don't yet know the ins and outs of their personality. Rather than jumping ahead into “the talk,” you should get to know one another first.
Imagine the heartbreak of finding that special someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, only to learn they don't believe in marriage and never intend to get married. When that happens, it's crushing.
Once you're in love, it's easy to begin compromising or denying your true feelings or beliefs about marriage to stay with that very special someone. You've got to have the first talk before you're too far into the relationship to unwind things if necessary.
Now, the second conversation is about getting married to your current boyfriend or girlfriend, in particular. You've done your own work to understand your beliefs and feelings about marriage. You've had the conversation with your partner about each other's core beliefs and feelings about marriage.
If you do these three things naturally in your relationship, you're ready to talk about marriage:
1. You've put time into your relationship
It's time to talk about getting married when you've experienced at least four seasons together. When you're in love, that may seem like forever, but marriage should be a forever thing.
You want to give the relationship time to settle in. You want to know that your partner is happy being with the friends and family you will be with over the course of a year. You may need more than four seasons for this to happen.
You'll probably be with family during holidays and special events for the rest of your life. You need to meet and spend time with each other's important friends and family, and like them.
Remember that when you marry a person, you take on the responsibility of connecting with the same people they connect with. You'll be spending a lot of years with your spouse, so slow down and get it right from the start.
2. You and your partner connect emotionally
Zivica Kerkez / Shutterstock
It's time to talk about marriage with your partner when you know you connect emotionally. It’s easy to be fooled by the new love's influx of dopamine, which makes you feel the passion of Romeo and Juliet. Remind yourself that this will wear off after you get married and you're back to your normal, and possibly somewhat boring, selves.
The quality of your emotional connection will make or break your relationship over the long haul. Pay attention to how your partner reacts to you when you are happy or sad. Do they mirror your emotions, or are they as still-faced as Data on Star Trek?
If he or she can’t be emotionally responsive and present to you over the course of your life, you won't feel loved and cared for. Be especially observant of whether your partner tends to abuse substances or isolate themselves as a way of de-stressing. This is often a sign that they will turn to means other than you when in need of comfort or support.
3. You and your partner trust each other
It's time to have conversations about marriage when you know you can trust your partner completely. This is the bottom line. Don't compromise here. Trust is everything in a long-term relationship.
If you have any doubt about the capacity your boyfriend or girlfriend has to be faithful to you, stop in your tracks. Couples who get married without a firm foundation of trust often struggle for years after getting married.
It’s best at this point to put any cards on the table that could cause your partner to mistrust you. Disclose whether you've had past sexual indiscretions, made irresponsible money decisions, or have struggled with addiction.
You should also let your partner know if you have been abused in the past. Talk about what triggers you, as well as what you require to not be triggered, and share whatever it is you’re doing or have done to heal from the trauma you experienced.
All of the above will help your partner know who you really are and help prevent your committed relationship from being rocked by nasty surprises in the future.
How do you bring up a marriage conversation? Once you've crossed the benchmarks above and feel the time is right to start bringing up marriage, here's how to have a conversation with your boyfriend or girlfriend about getting engaged.
Michael W. Regier, Ph.D., is a Certified Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist who works with individuals and couples. He and his wife, Paula, are authors of the book Emotional Connection: The Story & Science of Preventing Conflict & Creating Lifetime Love.
