Divorcing Their Dad Taught My Kids More About Love Than Our Marriage Ever Did: 8 Hard Lessons I Never Planned To Teach
Centre for Ageing Better | Canva When the vows have been broken, our children bear witness. There are many good reasons to stay together, and there are many reasons to part ways. Only we can decide what is best for ourselves and our family.
Staying together solely for the kids, however, may do more harm than good, says research. Especially if the marriage is dysfunctional or toxic. In doing so, we are showing our children that it's OK to hurt and to be hurt, it's OK to fight or be overpowered, it's OK to feel empty or alone, or it's OK to be angry rather than be at peace. Our children are watching. How divorce affects kids doesn't always have to be negative; it can be positive, too. By leaving a dysfunctional marriage, we teach our children many life lessons, including those about real love.
The eight hard lessons I never planned to teach my kids when I divorced their dad:
1. Our divorce taught them more about taking care of themselves
Research has shown that children of divorce often have added financial burdens and must take on responsibility sooner. At the same time, they learn how to organize their schedule and their belongings. They may help around the house or get a job sooner.
This sense of self can be empowering. As adults, they may have more confidence in relying on themselves to move their careers forward, accomplish their heart's desires, and have a successful love relationship. The lesson: Real love is putting on my oxygen mask so that I can then give my best to you.
2. When I divorced their dad, it taught them what self-respect means
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Sometimes getting a divorce is about showing self-respect for how we're treated and for our vision of the future. One study explored how our kids see how much self-respect we have when we make the difficult decision to leave a marriage, or when we make it as a single parent, and when and how we give ourselves to another. When parents stand up for their happiness, kids learn that everyone's happiness is important. The lesson: Real love is based on self-respect and mutual respect.
3. Divorce taught them how to solve problems calmly
Shuttled from home to home, the kids of divorce must be organized and flexible. They are used to not always getting what they want. And when step-parents or step-siblings are added to the mix, kids must figure out how to live together and deal with potentially different parenting styles. Compromise matters. It is possible to work out solutions respectfully. The lesson: Real love means accepting differences and overcoming hurdles with trust in one another.
4. The divorce helped them learn the importance of quality time
Divorce often means some type of shared parenting or visitation. Kids learn the importance of concentrated, quality time with each parent. Children of divorce may get even more quality time with their parents than before the divorce. As a result, they are likely to place more emphasis on quality time with a future partner. The lesson: Real love is present, giving, and attentive.
5. Watching their parents divorce taught my kids resilience
Kids go through a lot emotionally during and after a divorce — there is no question. But they can also become emotionally stronger. These kids learn that bad stuff happens, and you can endure it. You can get past difficulties. This ingredient is needed in real love. The lesson: Real love is accepting life's challenges and coming out wiser, together.
Divorce coach Triffany Hammond added, "Your child's struggles are just as real as yours; they're just different. Empathy and compassion for their struggle help them trust you enough to at least talk about what's going on in their world, and if you're lucky, they may even do a little listening, too."
6. Divorce taught them compassion
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No one wants to divorce, nor do they want to be a child of divorce. It hurts. These kids don't want anyone else to experience the same kind of hurt. When they see someone in pain, they get it. Kids of divorce are there when someone else is in need. They may be more caring and compassionate because of the divorce. The lesson: Real love is kind and considerate.
"People who have overcome challenges tend to be more aware of what it takes to live with limitations," explained psychologist Michael W. Regier, Ph.D. "They are more aware of the human condition, have bigger hearts, and a greater capacity to give. One important caution here: Someone may not be far enough along in their personal recovery from their challenges to rate high on the compassion scale."
7. Our divorce taught them to be picky
Even though we care about a person, it may not be real love. Our kids will learn to peel back the onion, to dig deeper, to get to know someone before committing a lifetime to them. They will learn to notice the signs of great relationships that are demonstrated to them and by them. Someone told me that being a child of divorce is like taking a pop quiz: It prepares you for the biggest test of your life. The lesson: Real love is patient; it's worth the exploration, the work, and the wait.
8. Divorcing their dad taught my kids what kind of relationship is possible
If we choose wisely the next time, research has indicated our kids will see how much our new partner loves us — and them. They will get to have a step-parent in their life who can be a role model of a loving partner. And they will have grown up watching me love my partner and emulating that in the future. The lesson: Real love has faith and hope.
My child recently made a stunning revelation. Four years after the divorce, apart from the benefits she sees, such as two homes, double holidays, and presents, she appreciates the difference in our lives. "There is no more fighting. It's peaceful. Life is easier since the divorce," she says. I have hope for her and her future relationships. Getting divorced taught her about real love.
Just like how our love for our children is unconditional and never ends, real love endures. It fills us up and makes us feel whole. It is vulnerable, accepting, and strengthening during hardships. It is unwavering, giving, caring, and richly fulfilling. It provides a lasting sense of peace. When we have it, we know it. And so does everyone else.
As painful as it may be to have their family broken up, children learn some hard and valuable lessons. And when they see us happy again, loving ourselves, and loving someone else, and seeing that person truly love us, their wounds begin to heal. For kids, divorce can be the new beginning that renews their hope in REAL love.
Lisa Petsinis is a certified life and career coach who works with burnt-out individuals to reconnect to what matters, find their perfect work, and create more joy, meaning, and success.
