Parents Of Chill, Well-Regulated Kids Tend To Say These 13 Phrases On Repeat
Mikhail Nilov | Unsplash Actions indeed count in parenting — especially when it comes to raising chill, well-regulated kids. Your kids are watching and modeling your behavior. At the same time, though, a parent's words matter tremendously to your child and their emotional development, especially a few specific repeated phrases. Research shows that when adults use mental and emotional state talk to discuss thoughts, desires, beliefs, and feelings, it is positively associated with children's social-emotional development.
Most parents want their kids to be well-adjusted, confident, optimistic, compassionate, resilient, capable, self-reliant, and emotionally intelligent. Some children are born with more of these qualities, and parents can work to reinforce them. Other kids, however, need more guidance and encouragement to develop these outcomes.
Regardless, what it takes is time, effort, presence, and care. Your care. Your beautiful words. Words that uplift, inspire, and empower them to be the best version of themselves. No amount of professional talk therapy can make up for what a mother or father can do to affect their child's positive view of themselves. Having chill, well-regulated children starts with you.
Parents of chill, well-regulated kids tend to say these 13 phrases on repeat:
1. 'I'm grateful for you'
My daughter and I met with a new doctor recently. I was asked the usual things about her medical history, and then my daughter announced, "I was a miracle, you know!" She was. She is.
Your child needs to know how you feel about being their parent. Telling a child you are grateful for them and what they have brought into your life makes them feel special. It also teaches them gratitude.
2. 'I'm proud of you'
To develop self-esteem, kids need to get validation and encouragement. Tell them, "I'm proud of how you handled this challenge." Let them know what they did that made you proud, specifically so that they can repeat it.
When praise includes specific details about what the child did well, it becomes much more effective at building self-esteem and motivation. Research shows that descriptive praise linked to specific behaviors helps children understand exactly what they accomplished and gives them confidence to repeat those actions.
3. 'You are brave'
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When they are scared, they need to know that they can dig deep and find the courage to get through it. Whether it's a trip to the hospital or dealing with a bully, they can imagine themselves as a superhero, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound!
Parents of anxious kids who encourage bravery help their children develop confidence to face their fears rather than avoid them, one study concluded. When you tell your child they're brave during scary moments, it teaches them they can handle tough situations and builds the courage they need for future challenges.
4. 'You've got this'
Whatever the challenge, kids need to be reminded that they can handle anything. Give them hope and confidence and help them to build trust in themselves.
When you tell your child you believe in them, especially during tough moments, it actually strengthens their belief in themselves, research has revealed. That verbal boost from someone they trust helps push past the self-doubt and gives them the courage to try.
5. 'Great try'
Recognize the effort, not always the outcome. "Great try" tells your child they should be proud of giving it a shot and putting forth their best attempt. Failing is okay. Life is about the journey and the lessons along the way.
Kids who get praised for their effort instead of just being told they're smart are more willing to take on hard challenges. Studies have concluded that they learn to see mistakes as part of learning rather than proof they're not good enough.
6. 'Good choice'
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Kids will need to make many decisions in their life starting with choosing friends and extra-curricular activities. Little choices every day lead to more significant decisions, such as selecting a school and career and picking a life partner.
Let them know when they've made an excellent decision, and they will have the self-assurance to make more of them as they grow up. Ultimately, they'll have to rely on their wisdom.
7. 'No one is perfect'
Perfection just does not exist. The sooner kids learn this, the better. Everyone makes mistakes, and they will, too. Sometimes people seem perfect on the outside, but really, everyone has something.
It could be a visible or hidden disability, a growing edge, or a past hurt that they're carrying around. When kids learn this, they develop compassion for others and begin to accept themselves. They are enough.
8. 'I'm sorry'
The way kids learn to say "sorry" is by hearing you say it. Forcing them to apologize tends to create shame. Telling them when you're sorry teaches them that you're human; you make mistakes, too! They will develop tolerance and a sense of ownership as a result.
When you apologize to your kids, you're teaching them that everyone makes mistakes and it's okay to own up to them. According to one study, mothers who apologize more often to their children tend to raise kids who are kinder to others and less anxious overall.
9. 'I'm so happy to see you'
No kid wants to be greeted by reminders, questions, or nagging when they get home from school. Stop. Forget about your busy day or everything the kids have to do that evening. Take a deep breath and look at your child as if for the first time. Express that seeing them has been the best part of your day. Make their day.
Research shows that securely attached kids light up with genuine joy when they see their parents after being apart, even for short periods. Greeting your child with real warmth and excitement during these everyday moments builds that emotional security and makes them feel truly valued.
10. 'Tell me more'
This goes beyond "I'm listening." It shows that you want to deepen your understanding and know what they've experienced. It is listening with your ears, eyes, heart, and mind!
Kids who have regular back-and-forth conversations with their parents where they feel genuinely heard tend to get along better with their peers, and research has revealed that active listening teaches people how to connect positively with others and strengthens their relationship with them.
11. 'You are special'
Every kid has that one quality that makes them unique. Perhaps they are creative, kind-hearted, have a fabulous sense of humor, or they're a beautiful dancer. Tell them what it is, and they will pride themselves on it for their lifetime. Knowing that talent will also help them choose a vocation. Support your child in bringing their specialness to the world to enjoy.
12. 'I love you'
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Parents often take it for granted that their child knows they love them. They think that they tell them enough. Parents have their love language or way of expressing their love.
However, "I love you" can never truly be said enough. There will be difficult days when a child will wonder if they are loved. Don't leave any doubt. Give them the security of knowing that they are loved and that nothing will ever change that.
13. 'I will always be here for you'
When your child has been dealt a crushing blow or when they are confused, scared, or in trouble, they need to trust that no matter what, they can go to you. You will be there to dry a tear, talk it out, or pick them up — whether they are 6 or 36.
You can make a difference in your child's development through the words you say. By giving your child these important messages, you will help them to build their self-esteem and create an unbreakable bond between you.
And it's not enough to say them once. Kids need to hear these magical words daily so that they become a part of who they are. As you interact with your child over the next week, start with a few of the statements.
Say them, repeat them, and get them into your child's brain. You'll be amazed at how positively transforming these words can be. Say them each day, and your child will be poised to grow up happy and healthy, giving their best self to the world.
Lisa Petsinis is an ICF-credentialed life and career transition coach. Her bylines have appeared on Psych Central, The Good Men Project, Parade, Prevention, The Minds Journal, PopSugar, and All4Women, as well as many others.
