Couples Who Feel Deeply Fulfilled Long After The Honeymoon Phase Do 4 Things On A Regular Basis
Years down the line, these habits keep love strong.
Marlon Alves | Unsplash Are you newly married, and have you and your partner talked about the importance of setting healthy boundaries in your marriage? Have you worked to identify what your boundaries are, and are you determined to respect them so your marriage is successful?
The foundation of longevity and deep fulfillment in a marriage is nurtured through consistency and honesty. It's easy to grow comfortable in the routine that married life can sometimes offer, but when you practice these four things, you can both bask in harmony for years beyond the honeymoon phase.
Couples who feel deeply fulfilled long after the honeymoon phase do these things regularly:
1. Set boundaries
Now you're married, you've created the beginning of a new family for all of the previous years you have been a member of your original family. Things that formed your original family — holiday traditions, gender roles, financial considerations, etc. — were the foundation upon which the family existed. But after marriage, those things that lay the foundation for your original family might not exist in the new family.
I know when I was married, my husband’s family had always lived close to each other, and as a result, they spent a lot of time together, particularly around birthdays and holidays. My family had always been more spread out, and our time together was somewhat limited, so we lived more independently of each other.
I was hoping our new family could live in a way more aligned with my original family. My ex wanted to spend the holiday time with his family. And his family expected it, too.
In retrospect, if we'd set boundaries early on with both of our families about how we would spend birthdays and holidays, instead of having to have conflict around them every time one arose, we would have saved ourselves a lot of conflict. So, setting boundaries early on with your in-laws allows everyone to know what to expect going forward, so conflicts and hurt feelings can be kept to a minimum.
2. Put the relationship first
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One of the most important reasons healthy boundaries in a marriage may apply to in-laws is that the marriage of two people creates a new family. This family is new, untested, and needs time to develop into what it will be. It's of the utmost importance that this new family takes precedence, so the wants and needs of this new couple are taken into consideration above the wants and needs of the original family.
This is not to say the original family should be shunned, but the wants and needs of the new family are discussed first. Once the discussion has been had, the new family can decide together how they will proceed.
My ex and I never truly decided what was important for our family. Every time a family conflict arose, we punted it to the next holiday. If we had only made a conscious decision for ourselves and our family, we both would have been happier, and there would have been less conflict.
Research has found that this involves conscious effort and requires nurturing these connections in various ways, fostering a sense of love, respect, and mutual support. Prioritizing relationships often leads to better communication and conflict resolution skills.
3. Know what each other's expectations are
Unmet expectations are the number one thing that can cause problems in any relationship. Unfortunately, no one usually knows what those expectations are.
This isn’t done maliciously. It just never comes up until someone gets hurt. If you can set expectations early on with your in-laws, you can prevent hurt feelings on both sides.
In the example of my ex and me, perhaps if we had clearly stated at the beginning of our relationship what we expected around birthdays and holidays, or engaged in a discussion with our in-laws about what we all wanted, then a whole bunch of conflict would have been avoided. Instead, we just acted like it was a command performance at holidays and birthdays, and we showed up accordingly, often crabby because we fought about it the whole car ride over.
Both partners having a clear understanding of relationship expectations is crucial for relationship satisfaction and longevity. Research by the Gottman Institute found that when expectations are misaligned or unspoken, it can lead to disappointment, conflict, and even relationship dissolution.
4. Navigate each other's families
One of the biggest regrets of my marriage is that we weren’t able to set boundaries and manage expectations with our families. If we had, some relationships would have been healthier.
As I have said before, my ex and I often ended up butting heads when we were put in the position of meeting extended family obligations we didn’t necessarily want to engage in. That was very damaging to our marriage.
Furthermore, our relationship with our in-laws suffered because there was often conflict about how we engaged with them. We weren’t always honest, in an attempt not to upset them, but they often knew.
And my ex and I, usually crabby, weren’t always fun to have around. So, if you want to maintain a healthy relationship with your in-laws, I would encourage you to set boundaries to preserve those good feelings.
Research suggests that healthy relationships, and their maintenance, rely on both partners understanding and actively participating in relationship-enhancing behaviors. This includes effective communication, mutual respect, and the willingness to address conflict and compromise. Understanding each other's needs, maintaining emotional regulation, and fostering a sense of security and trust are crucial for relationship longevity and well-being.
Mitzi Bockmann is a NYC-based Certified Life Coach who works with individuals who strive to heal their toxic relationships so they can have their happily ever after. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in The Good Men Project, MSN, PopSugar, Prevention, Huffington Post, Psych Central, among many others.
