Couples Who Avoid These 5 Gross Assumptions Have A Huge Advantage In Marriage
Happiness means resisting the urge to let negative patterns take over.
Curated Lifestyle | Unsplash After the honeymoon stage is over, it can be tempting to draw negative conclusions about the relationship whenever something goes wrong. This is natural, but it happens in such a sneaky way that it can end up sabotaging your future if you're not aware of how easily it creeps in.
Typically, it starts off as a fairly benign negative moment, like a simple mistake or unkind word. You may react by thinking, "Gosh, my partner is kind of selfish!" Then, if their actions continue to match that thought even minimally, we can start to think that is the actual truth about them.
You need to monitor your thought patterns for negative biases, checking in with yourself to be sure that what you're assuming is actually true.
1. Assuming the worst of your partner
When you make generalizations such as, "They always do this..." or, "They never do that..." in a negative way, you are judging, exaggerating, and focusing on the negative. This is likely to affect how warm, affectionate and kind you are to them.
People who do this say to themselves time and time again things like the following:
- "They never make any effort."
- "They always have to be right."
- "They're lazy."
- "They're taking me for granted."
- "They never want to be physically intimate."
- "They're moody."
- "They're selfish."
While you are definitely not alone in this type of thinking, if you repeatedly think or say things like this to yourself it will affect what you notice and how you treat your spouse. What do you think it does to your partner if you think the worst of them?
It feels terrible to have the worst thought of you, and even if you're right, thinking the worst of someone is not going to inspire them to change, which is really what you want.
What to do about it: It’s when you lift someone up, trust, and empower them by thinking the best of them, that will raise their standards. To do that, we first need to understand our automatic negative thoughts (sometimes called ANTS, for short). This helpful guide from Harvard University's Stress & Development Lab can be bookmarked for you to revisit on your journey.
If your spouse knows that you expect the best from them, they won’t want to let you down, so encourage and appreciate what they do well rather than criticize what they’re not doing. But that change must start with you.
2. Assuming someone else would be a better fit for you
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I’m not talking about idly daydreaming about what it might be like to date Brad Pitt, Sabrina Carpenter, or any other celebrity you’re attracted to. What I’m referring to here is thinking about or longing to be with someone else.
This will not only create distance between you and your partner, over time it can kill your connection and attraction, which will inevitably damage the marriage.
What to do about it: When people share with me that they are doing this, I ask them to explore what it is they feel is missing and what they would like to change. Then we look at ways to make this a reality in their marriage.
If this resonates with you, use it as a tool to strengthen your relationship, and start by giving whatever it is you wish to receive.
3. Assuming other people's marriages are easier
"If only he were more like Susan’s husband." Or, "If she looked after herself like Rachael does, I wouldn’t be like this."
Comparisons are pointless, degrading and unfair. Every one of us is unique, shaped by our own unique experiences and interpretations of the world — and you almost never know what other people go through behind closed doors. You think Luke and Hailey down the street have it all together? I promise you they do not.
If they're happy, they likely work hard at it and have had to do work of their own, too.
What to do about it: Instead of wasting your time wishing your spouse was more like someone else, share the traits you admire in others and positively motivate your spouse to change their behaviors. Or, shift your attention to the positive, if there's nothing significant about your partner that you'd like to change, once you think about it.
In addition, when an "if only" thought comes up, switch your focus to something special you admire and love about your partner.
4. Assuming your partner can read your mind
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"They should know what I want" or "They should know what to do" are easy to say but impossible to truly expect.
It’s not only unfair to expect your partner to know what you want or what to do, it’s unrealistic. Most of all thinking this way harms you. It’s frustrating to think like this, it winds you up and like all of the above thinking like this doesn’t change anything.
Don't worry, you're not the only person who assumes your partner should be able to accurately detect your moods — and your spouse isn't the only one who can't! Research out of Southern Methodist University found that "'when it comes to the normal ebb and flow of daily emotions, couples aren’t picking up on those occasional changes in ‘soft negative’ emotions like sadness or feeling down,” said family psychologist Chrystyna D. Kouros, lead author on the study. 'They might be missing important emotional clues'."
What to do about it: Free yourself by expressing and explaining things calmly and affectionately to help them help you. Understand that, when they aren't able to accurately guess at your emotions or what you need, it isn't because they aren't trying or do not want to.
In addition, it's good to continue trying to understand your partner and anticipate their emotions, but always confirm rather than assume that your hunch about their feelings is correct.
5. Assuming your relationship will always be in the honeymoon phase
Over-analyzing about how great things used to be and how they have changed or asking yourself "What happened to us?" is a sure way to make you feel down and hopeless about your marriage.
Don’t get me wrong, it's great to remember and share the good times. Doing this can strengthen your marriage! What you want to avoid is making it seem, in your head, as though the good times are now over.
What to do about it: In couples therapy, I ask those I work with to each share their happiest times. Then we discuss how to create more happy moments in the present and future.
Remember, thoughts are powerful
Our thoughts affect how we feel and what we are motivated to do. The good thing is that our thoughts can be changed with awareness and by refocusing them, thereby changing our experience of the relationship and stopping divorce.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I admire you for doing so, as it takes a great deal of self-honesty to grasp that you could be causing damage to your relationship with your thoughts, as well as courage to change them.
Bonus tip: When any negative thought comes up, ask yourself: "How is this helping me or my relationship?"
Then, if you are honest, answer in your head, "That’s right, It’s not," and allow the thought to drift away, leaving room for you to focus on what you do want rather than on what you do not want.
Nicola Beer is a counsler as well as a life and marriage coach.
