The CEO Of EHarmony Says These 4 Habits Reveal Whether You’re Truly Compatible With Someone
If you and your partner line up on these four habits, your relationship is built to last.
Jonathan Borba | Canva Finding someone and understanding how to be compatible is like a hunt for buried treasure when you’re not exactly sure if your map is for the right island. Are you attracted to each other? Do you have similar lifestyles? And what about humor? Will he get your jokes?
Compatibility is complicated within itself. There are certain things you look for on a first date, like music preferences, travel plans, and hobbies. However, some aspects of compatibility are a lot more important than others. And it turns out the ones you thought were deal breakers might not matter much.
Grant Langston, CEO of eHarmony, analyzes information regarding the four key personality traits to match people. Langston uncovered how to be compatible and the four relationship compatibility traits that would be really hard to compromise on in any relationship.
The CEO of eHarmony says these 4 habits reveal whether you’re truly compatible with someone:
1. You handle conflict in similar ways
This refers to the way you deal with and solve problems. Everyone has these skills, yet all people tend to deal with them in different ways. You learn it as a child, which usually sticks with you for the rest of your life.
“Conflict resolution skills are baked into your brain when you’re a kid. If you’re really opposite in that, you can’t have a relationship,” Langston says. As a couple, you are bound to go through conflict, whether in your actual relationship or in the process of building your life together. So, it’s pretty important that you can handle these situations and find compatible ways to come to solutions.
Dating coach and therapist Britney Lindstrom backs this up, "You are not in a competition with your partner to see who’s better at what. Don’t play that game. You’ll lose every time. Instead, embrace each other’s strengths and assist with their areas of growth. Also, share in the joy of each other's accomplishments."
2. Your personalities balance naturally
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If you don’t already know, an introverted person gets energized by being alone, while an extroverted person is energized by being around people. While introverts and extroverts can be together as couples, it may cause some strain on the relationship.
When your version of a relaxing vacation is a romantic getaway alone at a bed and breakfast at a Napa Valley vineyard, but your partner would rather invite all your friends for a rowdy weekend in Vegas, you might feel some relationship strain. “An introvert can be with an extrovert, but it would require compromise throughout life,” Langston adds.
3. You agree on how social you want your lives to be
This refers to how much each of you likes to be around people in general. It can strain the relationship when one person wants to spend every minute alone as a couple, and the other wants to go out in a group setting on a weekend for once.
Sociability matters, said researchers studying partner responsiveness in social life. The study reaffirmed how people desire partners who are responsive to their needs and preferences. When their needs have been responded to, they and their relationships typically thrive, and sociability outside the relationship improves. The research demonstrated how responsiveness positively influences self-image, attitude structure, and emotion regulation.
4. You share the same general outlook on life
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This refers to your outlook on life and the world. This can be great if one person is positive all the time and the other is positive all the time. Even if you both can be considered as generally negative people who complain a lot, you would still be compatible. The Gottman Institute explained, "everyone [in a relationship] who is unhappy naturally blames it on the facade of compatibility. They fail to realize and comprehend that a successful relationship does not hinge its posterity on how alike you are; instead, it hangs on by the sheer willpower and want to stay in a relationship."
However, a problem arises when one person is negative and one person is positive. “You can be with another obstreperous (negative) person because you both pick at the world. If you’re both positive and low in obstreperousness, that’d be fine, too, because you’re both positive outlook people. But if you’re not the same, the person who's grumbling all the time is going to seem like a sad sack and a rotten partner to carry through life,” says Langston.
Liking the same foods, music, and movies doesn't really have all that much to do with how successful your relationship will be and how compatible you are. It’s all surface stuff in the end.
However, it gets even trickier because some people match up in all four of these areas and look great on paper, but when you get them together, they don’t actually have a good time. So, it seems like a good relationship needs a bit of both of these four relationship compatibility traits and also some shared hobbies.
Langston says one of the most important signs of compatibility is having a similar sense of humor. So, if you find someone who can make you laugh, this might be a better indicator of your future with them than liking the same musical acts.
Shannon Ullman is a writer who focuses on travel and adventure, women's health, pop culture, and relationships. Her work has appeared in Huffington Post, MSN, and Matador Network.
