4 Behaviors That Make Wives Feel Deeply Connected To Their Husbands, According To Psychology
Four everyday behaviors that help build lasting emotional closeness to your wife.
Tabitha Turner | Unsplash In every healthy romantic relationship, there needs to be love and commitment to make things work between a couple. And the most important quality of committed and healthy relationships is their uniqueness. The bond between two different people who commit to each other is the beating heart of the relationship: what makes it a living, breathing, exciting entity unlike any other.
A committed relationship looks like a square, with four dependable sides that you should be able to name and define. Just like how every square has four sides, the "frame" of a committed relationship is the boundary within which the creativity and dynamism of the relationship can occur.
I love this definition of the frame because it guides my clinical work in the most tried-and-true ways. I have found over the years that husbands who pay attention to the frame usually end up with wives who feel deeply connected to them.
Here are four behaviors that make wives feel deeply connected to their husbands, according to psychology:
1. Exclusivity
Here’s the bottom line: Anything is fair that two people agree to. Commitment, therefore, is what the two of you explicitly agree to. A committed relationship is typically defined by monogamy, and this is one of your sides of the square. However, monogamy needs to be defined by the two people.
What do you both define as monogamy? Is it intimate monogamy? How about "emotional affairs?" How about friendships of the opposite gender, texting, phone calls, adult videos, and time alone with your ex?
The more clearly you define monogamy, the more the side of your square is defined, and the stronger it will hold together. There are people for whom polyamory is a commitment because they have defined this line in their square as such. What is challenging about this definition is that it can so easily become ambiguous. There are more places for misunderstanding based on different assumptions.
Don’t skimp on the details; the details are what allow this to work for some people. Don’t forget that what is agreed upon can and usually is evolved and clarified over time; what must remain static is that both people are fully dedicated to clarifying a mutually agreeable definition.
2. Security
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In a relationship, a commitment allows for a secure bond, which is a bond in which both people feel known, understood, protected, and safe. For this to function fully, the second side of your square should be an attitude and an action that indicates that the relationship comes first in your life.
Both people tend to the relationship first and foremost, because they understand that the benefits of this bleed out onto every single area of their life and that all other areas of their life are nourished and fed when the relationship is tended to. (Conversely, they understand that if the relationship is not tended to, then all other areas of life will suffer.)
This means that your relationship is like the core of your social circle. It is a safe place that both of you can go back to for safety, understanding, rejuvenation, problem-solving, planning, and decision-making.
For this safe place to be available, you each need to behave in a way that makes it clear that the relationship is of primary importance in your life. This means that you make all important decisions and plans together, and that there is ongoing coordination and tracking of the relationship.
When a husband actively prioritizes the relationship, it leads to a stronger sense of connection, love, and support for both partners. Studies show that highly committed partners are more likely to express affection, feel close, and be willing to accommodate and sacrifice for their partner.
3. Empathy
The third side of your square frame is both an attitude and an action. The attitude is one of mutual empathy. You both actively attempt to put yourself in the other’s shoes.
This is built on a foundation of trust: you trust that you are both well-intended people and are doing your best based on your experience of the situation at hand. This translates into a few truisms: a committed relationship looks like neither person is "right." There is very little emphasis on "right" and a lot of emphasis on problem-solving.
A committed relationship looks like a lack of power struggle. Neither person is interested in being "in charge" or holding power or dominance or control over the other.
Since relationship problems are normal, this side of the square translates into people who fight fairly. Fighting fairly is always towards the intention of making sense of the two different perspectives, keeping each other in a zone of moderate emotional stimulation (not overstimulated or in fight or flight), and always moving towards potential solutions.
This is a hard-earned skill that we aren’t born with and one that reaps more rewards than any other skill. While implicit agreements and expectations are a natural part of marriage, research suggests that explicitly acknowledging, discussing, and managing these unspoken agreements is important for cultivating understanding, fostering effective communication, and building a stronger, more satisfying marriage.
4. Honesty
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The final side of your square is honesty. Honesty is the basis upon which trust is built, and trust is the foundation upon which all of the other sides of the square depend.
Honesty is the space in which we can feel understood and known for who we are. It is the space in which people can fight fairly. Honesty is the absence of secrets, hiding, and avoidance of parts of reality.
The outcome of safety is that the inside of your frame is a place of safety, security, and exciting growth. Honesty means that you tell the truth. Among other things, it means that you do what you say and say what you do. It means that you do share your feelings openly, and you also understand the difference between honesty and being brutal, hurtful, or sarcastic.
If you find that you are in a relationship with someone who will not or cannot form a frame with you and abide by it, you might be in a relationship with someone who has a personality disorder.
Personality disorders, unlike mood disorders, are problematic formations of the personality, which is the person’s essential approach to the world. A person with a personality disorder can "commit" in the basic sense of the word (i.e., they may ask you to be their partner or spouse, but they will not be able to form a healthy, committed relationship that functions as a secure bond).
When your relationship is defined by these four sides, you will have not just a committed relationship, will have what you want: a happy, committed relationship that you both want to remain in at all costs. Many people can have a simple "committed relationship". But what we all want and deserve is a committed, happy relationship.
Studies indicate that both expressing and perceiving honesty in a relationship are linked to better emotional well-being, higher relationship satisfaction, and increased motivation for positive change within the relationship. Even when the truth may be difficult to hear, honesty fosters trust, intimacy, and a deeper understanding between partners.
Understanding relationships by making and maintaining these 4 sides of your frame allows you not just to understand and appreciate the feeling of commitment, but you will enjoy the many rewards of a healthy bond.
Dr. Perrin Elisha is a psychologist, psychoanalyst, author, and teacher who helps clients get to the root of and heal their relational difficulties.
