The Art Of Being Happy: 9 Simple Things Healthy Couples Talk About Regularly
master1305 | Canva Do you and your honey struggle to find things to talk about, chit-chatting about the weather and random details of your workday, or do you make time to really talk? A study says that people are happier when they spend more time discussing meaningful topics than engaging in small talk.
That means that you're not just info-dumping the events of your day and then vegging out on the couch. It means you actually dive into good conversation topics with your partner about things that matter in your life. Seventy-nine college students had their conversations recorded and analyzed by researchers, who distinguished between chit-chat about the food or the weather and discussions about philosophy, education, or religion.
People who reported the greatest amount of satisfaction spent only 10 percent of their conversation on small talk, while the unhappiest folks kept 28.3 percent of their talking time in the shallow end. (Granted, the researchers have yet to conclude whether people are happy because they can talk deeply, or whether they talk deeply because they are happy.)
Either way, we started thinking about how important "real conversation" is in relationships. One of the perks of being in a committed relationship is the ability to discuss subjects you likely avoided during the early stages of dating. So pour yourselves a drink, cozy up on the sofa, and have yourselves a good heart-to-heart chat.
Here are 9 simple things happy, healthy couples talk about:
1. Embarrassing moments
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If you can't share the awkward moments that occurred throughout high school with your partner, who can you tell them to? Don't be afraid to broach the subject if you haven't already. We wouldn't be surprised if his stories are more horrifying (and hilarious) than yours.
According to couples therapist Dr. Isabelle Morley, emotional intimacy grows when you're willing to risk embarrassment in front of each other. Research in social psychology backs this up too, showing that couples who laugh together regularly tend to feel more satisfied and connected in their relationships.
2. Political viewpoints
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How do you really feel about the next election or that new law that passed? You don't have to agree with each other, although it often helps. A good relationship allows both parties to discuss their own philosophies without taking opposing viewpoints personally.
It turns out the key isn't necessarily agreeing on every issue. Research on relationship conflict has shown that couples who use positive communication strategies like active listening and empathy are more likely to be satisfied in their relationship despite not aligning politically.
3. Fears and insecurities
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By fears, we don't mean your phobia of earthworms. We're talking about things that make you wake up with gray hairs. What worries you? What do you want to improve about yourself? What are your past skeletons? In being vulnerable, you risk judgment, but more importantly, you chance finally being understood.
Sharing these deeper parts of yourself is what separates surface-level dating from real connection. As marriage and family therapist Yvette Currie explains, "Sharing your complete self can lead to an intimacy deeper than ever imagined."
4. Childhood
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Ask your partner what he or she was like as a kid. Did he make friends easily? What kind of games did he like to play? Did he have trouble in school? Childhood memories make for fun conversations, but they can also lend insight into how your guy became the person he is today.
There's a reason therapists love asking about childhood: Studies show that childhood experiences shape how we approach intimacy, trust, and emotional connection in our adult relationships, so learning about your partner's early years can help you understand the person sitting across from you on a whole new level.
5. Past relationships
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This is a touchy one because no one wants to hear their true love spouting sonnets about an ex. There is, of course, a difference between longing for (or being bitter over) the past and simply acknowledging what happened. With enough practice, seasoned, happy couples learn how to address why past relationships ended without inadvertently comparing their current partner to an old flame.
We all carry baggage, whether it's from childhood, past relationships, or personal trauma, and couples who trust each other feel safe enough to share it. According to psychologist Dr. Cortney Warren, that willingness to be vulnerable about where you've been is actually what builds deeper connection in the present.
6. Family ties
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Knowing a person's upbringing and relationship with his or her parents (or siblings) is paramount to understanding his current attitude toward family. If you're even slightly contemplating a future with this person, it helps to ask how well he gets along with his family. Why does he resent his mother? Why is he closer to his sisters than to his brothers? How well can he handle family gatherings?
Young adults raised in healthy family environments are more likely to have healthy romantic relationships, which means understanding someone's family dynamics can give you genuine insight into how they'll show up in yours. And it goes both ways once you're together too. Studies show that supportive relationships with parents tend to foster marital quality, while strained relationships with parents can undermine it.
7. Current events
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In the age of information overload, it's nearly impossible to stay up-to-date on everything going on around us. Here's where teamwork comes into play: Ask your partner about his interests, be they economics or regional politics, and see if you can't learn a thing or two about them. Who knows, maybe you'll help him develop an interest in international affairs or science news.
Talking about what's happening in the world does more than just keep you informed. Relationship experts say that sharing your opinions on world events is one of the best ways to build intellectual intimacy with your partner, and being able to have intelligent conversations about the things you both care about in society helps you grow both as individuals and as a couple.
8. TV and movies
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Compared to politics and personal fears, entertainment might seem pretty shallow, but in a 2010 study, researcher Dr. Mehl actually classified discussions about movies in the "deep" category, given that people focused on character motivations and plots rather than on, say, the hot Hollywood leading actors.
Research from the University of Arizona found that the happiest people in the study had twice as many substantive conversations as the unhappiest. When participants analyzed a TV show's characters and their motivations, researchers classified it as a substantive conversation rather than small talk.
9. The future
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Need we ask what's scarier or more inspiring than the future? We're not saying you should pressure your partner into talking about his plans for marriage and children, but we do believe that whether he openly talks about them or you ask directly, you should know his dreams, goals, and aspirations.
What is he working towards? What drives him to succeed? Where does he see himself in five years? Someone who desires growth and is not afraid of the unknown is surely dynamic enough to deserve you. Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "Great minds talk about ideas; small minds talk about people." So, further your relationship happiness by talking about the deep stuff with your significant other.
Denise Ngo is a freelance web writer/editor who specializes in pop culture, fashion, science, faith and relationships.
