Photo: David Prado Perucha / Shutterstock
I assumed white men only liked Black women with Anglo features.
By Andrea Coleman — Written on Aug 25, 2021
I am a Black woman and I like to think I know everything. Especially about white people. I like to think I’m a connoisseur of white folks, if you will. So it’s with great humility that I acknowledge that there were quite a few things that I did not know and actually got wrong about white men. It goes without saying that everything else I was right about.
Nevertheless, the things I was wrong about are certainly worth noting and are therefore outlined below.
Misconception #1: They don’t like butts.
I know this sounds dumb but I literally believed this. Call me naive but I blame Sir Mix-A Lot for this one. His famous chart-topping song “Baby Got Back” contains the lyric “turn around, stick it out, even white boys got to shout, Baby got back.” From this, I deduced that except in very small specific instances, white men didn’t care about butts.
Plus, I’d never heard a white man comment on butts or look at them. It always seemed they were talking about breasts and legs.
But then after being with my man for a bit I noticed that he seemed really into my behind. I was genuinely confused. So I asked him, what was up.
Turns out he likes them a lot and insisted so did a lot of white dudes. He thought I was crazy for assuming otherwise. I said I’d never heard white men talk about them. He explained that just because they’re not rapping about ass doesn’t mean they’re not all about it. White men apparently DO like butts, they’re just quiet about it. Noted white man. Duly noted.
Misconception #2: They don’t use body lotion.
Lotion is a big deal to Black people. At least in my family. Not being ashy is a top priority. If your enemy found themselves suddenly ashy, even if you hated them, you’d lend them lotion. Moisturized skin is essential. If cleanliness is next to Godliness then Evilness is next to ashiness.
Growing up, my mom used to rub everything from baby oil to vaseline to cocoa butter on my skin before I left the house. None of my white friends, or their moms, seemed to care at all about moisturizing themselves. When I went to camp and college none of my white roommates cared either. Sure they used it now and then but they didn’t rub it all over themselves religiously every single day before leaving the room as I did.
So, it was with great shock and amazement that I watched my white boyfriend lather body lotion all over himself after getting out of the shower after the first time I spent the night. Literally from head to toe. H to T. This is not a joke, I was speechless. Never in my entire life had a seen a white person, much less A MAN, approach lotion in this meticulous of manner.
To be clear, I’m not talking about sunscreen (white people are FANATICS about sunscreen). I’m talking about body lotion. My white man uses it every day.
Misconception #3: They can’t cook collard greens.
I’ve written a whole article on this, so I won’t belabor the point. Suffice it to say, I thought white men could not cook one of the soul-iest of soul foods — collard greens, and I was proved dead wrong. Now, he didn’t cook them the same way as my momma and they didn’t taste the same as my momma’s, but they were goooood. Even better actually.
Misconception #4: Police always help white men.
They don’t. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. I’ve been with my dude at the police station when he’s asked for help and they totally shut him down. It was wild. Like they didn’t give a sh*t. It was some serious “bye, Felicia” energy.
Misconception #5: White men only like Black women with Anglo features.
When I was growing up whenever I saw a white dude paired with a black woman in movies or tv she had a lot of Anglo features: long hair, thin lips, light skin, and narrow thighs.
Women like Rae Dawn Chong, Lisa Bonet, and Jennifer Beals were the romantic leads, especially when paired with white dudes. It made me think that a white dude would only go for a black chick if she was barely black. Boy was I wrong about this!
I have an Afro, thick lips, could never ever pass for anything but black. I’m also curvy (or “juicy” as my man says) and my man and I have been together for 9 years. He has no issue with my African features and a ton of white dudes have communicated similarly.
What’s my point?
I’m just saying white men get maligned sometimes, too. Probably not as much and with the same degree of lethal and judicial effect as black people, but it happens. Just saying. Oh and also, apparently I’m not always right.
More for You:
Andrea Coleman is a Comedian, Attorney, and frequent publisher on Medium. You can find her on Youtube or Twitter.
This article was originally published at Medium. Reprinted with permission from the author.