3 Reasons A "Mate-Poacher" Is Deadset On Homewrecking Your Relationship

Some individuals will purposely seek out people in committed relationships.

Mistress, who KNOWS she's the mistress victoria krivchenkova | Unsplash

Most women would probably admit to being attracted to someone already married at some point in their lives. But, they would never think of trying to do anything to lure the man away from his wife.

However, some women only seek out married and committed men to have a relationship with. "Mate-poaching" is a term coined by David Buss in his book Evolution of Desire. It describes the behavior of men and women who purposely seek out people in committed relationships. Although some of these women say they don't need a man, most desire a committed relationship. Three reasons may contribute to someone choosing the status of "The Other Woman".


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Here are 3 reasons a mate-poacher is dead set on homewrecking your relationship:

1. Low self-esteem

Women with low self-esteem believe they are not good enough for "the wife" title. Sometimes, they have undergone abuse or mistreatment in a relationship. Therefore, their defense mechanism against being hurt again is to seek uncommitted relationships. The woman may also relate her self-worth to her appearance, so she will feel good about herself when she can successfully "catch" a married man.


Two women stand face to face confronting a mate poacher Andre Onegin via Shutterstock

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2. Sex addiction

For women who are sex addicts, mate-poaching is a behavior they want to stop doing. However, they are unable to stop without help through therapy. Several factors contribute to women becoming addicts, including childhood abuse. They may feel guilty and ashamed but will continue mate-poaching even after suffering bad consequences.


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3. Power and control

Some women will say they mate-poach because they like being the "one in control" of the relationship. They can "leave it anytime they want" and there are no "strings attached." The truth is that when a person must feel like they are in control of a relationship, it is usually because they have a fear of abandonment or commitment.

These women may need to feel safe because they have experienced abuse or hurt in the past. They think if they "control" a man, they feel safe. In reality, the desires of the married man control the woman engaging in mate-poaching. He is the one who chooses when to see her, if he will leave his wife, and is usually the one who ends the affair.

So, why do women mate-poach?


There are several perceived benefits including an affair excitement factor, the feeling of being "chosen" over someone else, being lavished with expensive gifts, and the feelings of power and control because there is no commitment on the part of the "poacher." Regardless of the reason, mate-poaching can lead to emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual pain for all parties engaging in the behavior.

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Crystal Hollenback believes every person is valuable. Her approach to counseling is non-judgmental, caring, and solution-focused. She is the owner of H3 Counseling where the focus is on hope for relationships, healing from painful experiences, and harmony for all seasons of life.