25 Sad Reasons No Woman Will Ever Marry Me

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man standing alone on dock

I know what you're thinking: Challenge accepted. I will marry the ever-loving s*** out of you. Just try and stop me.

I appreciate your defiance, dear reader, but it's ultimately futile. I'll never change my ways because I'm always single.

For, you see, I'm the sort of person that opens an article by arguing with a figment of my own narcissistic imagination. And we haven't even gotten to the list yet. Will you maintain that steadfast confidence as I count the ways I'm not cut out for marriage? 

There's another one: I make up words. That's pretty annoying, I bet.

When you are single, you only have to take care of yourself, not anyone else. Which is lovely for me. My chronic singleness is something that I pride myself on. There are so many benefits to being single.

There is no need for me to have useless, meaningless conversations where I have to feign interest. I don't have to do things that I don't care about. It's amazing.

How wonderful it is to be single! I am only responsible for my own happiness, not anyone else's. I can do as I please without anyone's opinion.

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Oh, and there's no nagging about anything. It's so lovely to have peace and quiet. No one needs a nagging wife to be happy; I just need my drink and video games to pass the time.

No, you don't need a woman to be happy.

Here are 25 sad reasons nobody will ever marry me:

1. I can't build anything

Do I look like a guy who can build anything?

2. I can't fix anything, either

Do I look like a guy who can fix anything?

3. I don't care if that means I'm not a real man

I never thought I was one.

4. I don't watch TV

Name one good television show on TV now.

5. I don't use social media

I don't want to see what people from my high school are doing.

6. Therefore, I don't care about 98 percent of the things you probably want to talk about

No, I don't know if that celebrity is getting divorced or not.

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7. I never want kids

I never liked kids even when I was a kid.

8. Trust me, kids don't want me, either

I have no idea how to talk to them.

9. I have a horrifying sense of humor

You would not want to bring me to a family dinner.

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10. I refuse to dial it down in front of your friends and family

I will not be suppressed.

11. The same goes for your coworkers

I hate all of them anyways.

12. Weddings are a massive, impractical waste of money

Why can't we just go to the courthouse?

13. Not to mention the rings

I don't even wear rings.

14. And it all seems like one big waste of time

I don't want to invite your third cousins once removed and never see them again.

15. I'm not going to ask you to marry me in the first place

I can barely order a coffee, much less ask someone to marry me.

16. So, that already eliminates anyone who believes in more "traditional" gender roles

Sorry I won't get on one knee for you.

17. If you asked me, I'd say no anyway

And now we look really awkward at this fancy restaurant.

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18. At this point, marriage is a logical impossibility

About half of marriages end in divorce, sorry if I don't want to be a part of that statistic. 

19. Unless you forced me at gunpoint

No one can say no to a proposal like that.

20. Which sounds like the plot of a rad Tarantino movie, so I might be into it

Hopefully, Ryan Reynolds would play me in the movie.

21. But still, not going to happen

Unless you had a gun.

22. What are you, some kind of marriage pusher

Is this all you do?

23. Let's just drink beer and play video games

I only have GTA though.

24. Like, a lot of beer

Like, a lot.

25. And a lot of video games

I can rent more.

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Bob Alaburda is a senior editor at dvm360. His work has appeared in the Huffington Post, Ravishly, and more.