12 Things Brilliant Parents Teach Their Daughters Before They Leave Home
Set her up for success — because life is hard enough.
Nicolas Menijes | Canva Five of my six nieces have started college in the last few years and I feel time passing so acutely. It's easy to imagine them as babies, each with their big brown eyes and round cheeks, their dark hair falling across their little foreheads. It's hard to believe they’re all so grown.
Yes, it’s trite. But these are common sentiments for a reason: the growth of babies is an essential part of the human experience, and so is wanting them to avoid much of the worst heartbreak and heartache we’ve experienced and I can't help but think of what I wish I’d known at their age. So this list is for them and their parents — and all of us raising girls. Maybe we can spare them some of our heartbreak and embarrassment.
Here are 12 things brilliant parents teach their daughters before they leave home
1. Don't trust anyone afraid of your anger
Nicoleta Ionescu via Shutterstock
Yes, you need to be kind, thoughtful, and respectful of others in the day-to-day of your life. And when you disagree with people, there’s no need to lose yourself in the fight. But …
You are allowed to be angry. Angry at the world when it is cruel, angry at people who dismiss and take advantage of you. Angry when you don’t get the job you wanted or at a friend double-crosses you.
And you are allowed to get angry at your partner, and if your partner says you are irrational when you express anger, be wary of them. Of course, not all anger is irrational — no one is allowed to be cruel, intimidating, or manipulative. So keep your side of the street clean and don't be afraid to stand up for yourself.
2. Build something you don't want to escape from
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A via Shutterstock
It’s going to take a lot of tries to find the metaphorical home that feels so peaceful, so fulfilling, you don’t want to escape from it, but you need to keep trying.
Try on different people as partners, try on jobs, and aesthetics. Try on wild friendships and friends who like quiet corners and sweet books. Try on homebodying and traveling. Try it all on until you find something you don’t want to escape from. Then know that nothing is forever, and you can keep building a nourishing peace for the rest of your life.
3. Say the nice things that come to your mind
mimagephotography via Shutterstock
Say kind things and say them often. Say them to strangers and the people closest to you, too. Don’t say nice things to get stuff or make people like you — say things you mean. Make it a practice.
It’s an exercise not just in spreading joy, which you will, but also in finding your authentic self. Sorting through the compliments and kind words you want to say and filtering out what may be attached to an agenda not only helps us get to know ourselves, but it also helps us spot people who say nice things for nefarious reasons.
4. Become obsessed with your credit score
Prostock-studio via Shutterstock
And I do mean obsessed. I’m being boring again, but go with me on this for just one minute, gals. I’m almost done!
Once you turn 18, you can start building credit. That means you’ll have a number score attached to your name and social security number. This seems irrelevant right now, but in a couple of years, you’ll want to rent an apartment or home. If you have good credit, you’ll get first pick.
You’ll also get lower interest rates on credit cards and auto loans with a good credit score. Again, I know this seems ridiculous right now, but if I can give you one gift, it’s the gift of never having to rely on anyone, or any one particular job, for money.
A few simple tips:
- If possible, don’t buy anything on a credit card you can’t pay for with cash or your debit card. Why? Because you need to be able to pay it all off before it’s due, every single month.
- Use your credit card only as a means of building credit, not as a way to buy stuff you want. Every credit card purchase should be for one reason only: to use your card just enough.
Don’t put that handbag you want on it; use it to fill up your gas tank before driving home for a visit. Ramit Sethi helped to explain how to keep your credit card purchases logical and necessary — stuff you would buy anyway: tissues, toilet paper, a few basic groceries.
You know why? Because these are shame-free purchases, paying that bill will be easy and natural. Plus, they’re expenses you’ve already budgeted for.
- Never skip a payment on anything. If you get in a pinch and can’t pay it all on time, pay the minimum immediately and then call the parent or mentor you trust most. No, not for money — but to help you make a plan to get back into the black. You can also ask them to check back in to make sure you're following through on it.
- Set up automatic payments the moment you start using credit (rent, credit card, car payment, etc).
I missed one payment on my Subaru Outback when I was a couple of years ago, and it’s still on my credit report, even though the rest of my history is perfect! It drives me bonkers. If I'd been smart, I would've set up autopay the moment I took the car home.
Yes, learning this new thing is stressful, but I want you gals to know this now. Being financially free opens doors and gives you freedom from everything: your parents, your romantic partners, and even jobs you may hate. Financial freedom and a good credit score give you choices.
5. Find your way to emotional wellness
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A via Shutterstock
You will probably bump up against some mental health stuff throughout your life if you haven’t yet. Guess what? It’s normal. Most people struggle with emotional wellness at some point in life.
The first thing you should do is tell your parents, as your aunt, I know all of your parents well, and they will do anything in their power to help you be well while also encouraging you to live a big, brave life. If you can’t go to them, find someone else you trust.
You can also ask for support from your college health resource. It’s covered under your insurance, and they’re used to all sorts of stuff. You cannot shock a college health center employee. If you're not in college or that's not available, call the number on the back of your insurance card for a list of providers covered. If you don't have insurance, look for free or sliding scale therapy.
In addition, maintain your emotional health in ways that complement what works for you. I love this video of actress Lili Reinhart talking about how she thinks about her thinking (yes, you read that right) and how she finds her way out of despair. It’s about imagining herself as an alien visiting Earth for the first time.
If what helps you stay well doesn’t make sense to anyone else, that’s OK! If you feel better and like you’re on solid ground, that’s what matters.
6. Learn how to flirt
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A via Shutterstock
Your parents are not going to like me for this, but I swear it works. The triangle gaze is a sort of universal body language “hack” that is a tried-and-true way to up your flirtation skills. In this short, helpful video, Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist, explains how to use it and why it's effective.
7. Don't become a caretaker
Roman Samborskyi via Shutterstock
Regardless of whether you’re naturally the caretaking type, you may find yourself in the role of the “giver” in a relationship, and your partner in the role of the “taker”. If you love cooking for people, being the one who cooks every night can be fantastic. But what does your partner do regularly to delight you or make your life easier?
If that answer is "pretty much nothing", then you're giving too much.
Of course, relationships and friendships won't always be 50/50, and this is fine when someone is sick or going through a temporary hard time. But you can’t let this dynamic become A Thing in your relationships — or even in your friendships.
8. Separate 'value' from 'volume'
Chay_Tee via Shutterstock
This is especially important if you’re using social media or doing public-facing work. It’s easy to feel like a failure when your stuff isn’t getting seen by a million people or praised by lots of strangers. But not everything is for one million people or a bunch of strangers.
Whether it’s physical intimacy, your work or research, social media, or anything else, some things are for just a few people in a deep way. Never devalue the things that touch just a few people profoundly.
9. Know that some people aren't meant to understand you
Nicoleta Ionescu via Shutterstock
You are not for everyone. That’s OK — and it doesn’t mean you’re better than them (or vice-versa).
That doesn’t mean you get to be mean or rude. Saying “I’m not for everyone” is not an excuse to be rude to the people you don’t value.
Instead, be thoughtful and kind, but be yourself. Let the haters fall behind as you make tracks in your own life. You don't even have to tell them you're walking away. Wave nicely, but build space between yourself and the people who make you feel unsafe or unappreciated.
Not only will this help you build a network of supportive, challenging people who love you — it will also help weed out the people who will pretend not to understand you to serve their dysfunction. Often, this is a tool for manipulation because it can make you feel bad or “crazy”. And you’re not crazy.
You’ll find your people. Once you do, treat them well.
10. Be direct, speak from the heart, state your agenda up front
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A via Shutterstock
In other words, don’t be passive-aggressive! Not just because it clutters up communication, but also because it attracts other passive-aggressive people.
Passive aggression is sneaky. Most people don’t even realize they do it, likely because it was normal in their families growing up.
The best way to avoid being passive-aggressive is to pause before you speak and ask yourself if what you’re saying is true or if you’re trying to elicit a specific response.
As Brené Brown says, “clear is kind”.
11. Eat well, eat what you want, eat for joy
India Picture via Shutterstock
There are so many lovely social media posts out there promoting healthy relationships with food, but there are also a ton of videos and posts that promote garbage thinking when it comes to food: heavy on restriction and shame, light on acceptance and fun.
I’ve been through a lot with my body image and eating stuff, but I’ve found I’m happiest and healthiest when I don’t buy into the garbage of diet culture. After all, there isn’t one diet that is going to fix your sadness or heartbreak or give you the sense of control you think it will. That’s just chasing a dragon you will never catch.
Pay attention to what foods make you feel nourished, strong, healthy, and happy. I know this is easier said than done, but I’d rather say it out loud than simply hope you know.
12. Be like a possum
Irina Bg via Shutterstock
Yes, a possum.
They help the world by eating dangerous ticks that carry Lyme disease, as well as other insects, and they don’t carry or transmit rabies-like raccoons, bats, and other mammals.
In addition, they have cute little faces and ears like a mouse, but they are terrifying when you cross them. They hiss, they spit, and when they turn their backs, they have wild naked tails like a snake. They also have an odor that is … distinct.
I’m not saying you should smell bad or show your butt. I’m just saying, go ahead and be cute (you’re already cute, 10/10, no notes on that), but don’t be afraid to hiss when someone tries to interrupt your good works.
Joanna Schroeder is a feminist writer, editor, and media critic, and co-author of the forthcoming book, TALK TO YOUR BOYS, via Workman Publishing. She pours her heart out and shares advice on Substack.
