10 Things Millennials Secretly Resent Their Parents For, But Don’t Feel Allowed To Say
Navigating life with family resentment isn't easy.
Yuricazac | Shutterstock Many adult children harbor intense resentment toward their parents for childhood experiences and how they were raised, often without even realizing it. According to psychotherapist Imi Lo, MA, this phenomenon isn’t uncommon — many adult children cover up their resentment with “fake forgiveness” and anger when, in reality, they need conversations and a proper acknowledgement of their emotions to heal and truly forgive.
Numerous issues that millennials quietly hold against their parents, yet feel unable to express, contribute to ongoing resentment in their adult relationships with them. This sabotages their ability to have open and honest conversations and impacts their emotional and physical well-being in many ways. When we acknowledge these hidden and unsuspecting sources of resentment, everything gets better, including our relationships with our family members.
Here are 10 things millennials secretly resent their parents for, but don’t feel allowed to say:
1. Dismissing mental health as 'drama'
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Many older generations are still living and grappling with deep-rooted stigmas around mental health that not only keep them from acknowledging their internal struggles and seeking out help, but also prevent them from being able to help and support their adult kids.
This dismissal of mental health is a form of emotional invalidation that many parents don’t even realize is actively hurting their adult kids, according to family therapist Jennifer Litner. It’s one of the things millennials secretly resent their parents for, but don’t feel allowed to say, because for their generation, mental health is being actively destigmatized. Still, it’s uncomfortable and frustrating for their older family members to understand.
2. Pushing outdated ideas of success
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Many younger generations, including millennials, were left with many unanswered promises about adulthood — from having the means to buy a house to securing a stable job and even having the freedom to start a family. Considering their parents were able to do so, oftentimes with a bit of financial sacrifice or preparation, it makes sense that they’d expect and promise the same for their kids.
But, sadly, that’s not the reality anymore for young adults. These unanswered promises and pressures toward traditional routes to success can partially spark resentment between millennials and their parents. They feel tricked into taking on student debt, judged for not having the means to buy a home, and even “behind” in their lives because of their parents' unrealistic expectations.
3. Minimizing financial struggles
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According to a study from the TIAA Institute, many millennials are “financially fragile” — living without savings or emergency funds, battling crippling student loan debt, and forced to struggle paying for even the bare necessities like groceries and housing.
When their parents underestimate these money struggles, blaming them for their circumstances or holding them to unrealistic standards they were able to achieve at the same age, it’s not just momentarily dismissive — it’s one of the things millennials secretly resent their parents for.
4. Dismissing climate change concerns
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According to the Pew Research Center, millennials are among the most invested generations in combating climate change issues. They advocate with their time, social media presence, and money to the best of their abilities. They view mediating climate change as an investment in their immediate future.
However, when their parents actively invalidate their passion for advocacy or even dismiss the science behind climate change as a whole, it can feel more personally offensive than a simple disagreement.
To millennials, this is their world, their future, and the place where their family will grow up — when their parents dismiss it as “no big deal,” it feels invalidating to the life they’re trying to create and the health they’re looking out for with climate advocacy.
5. Refusing to apologize or own up to mistakes
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One of the things millennials secretly resent their parents for is not saying sorry or taking accountability for mistakes. However, they don’t feel allowed to speak up about it. Either they’re shut down by parents when they bring up concerns, or they feel unsafe and unsupported when they do.
Of course, according to psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein, blaming parents and forcing them to take responsibility repeatedly for the same situations is just as unhealthy for the relationship as a parent who refuses to take responsibility, which is why open and honest communication from the start is so important.
If you’re struggling with childhood trauma or even a casual conversation that hurt your feelings, bring it up without an accusatory tone. Focus on how you feel and seek out support for your emotions. You can’t change the past, but you can support each other in carving a better space forward with empathy and understanding.
6. Shutting down different opinions
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Considering adult children and their parents, regardless of their generation, tend to have differing views and opinions later in life, it’s not surprising that conflict and arguments have sometimes sparked as a result. However, how parents and their adult kids navigate this conflict says a lot about the health of their relationship. Millennials tend to resent their parents later in life when they don’t feel heard or respected for sharing their opinions, and vice versa for their parents.
Even if you disagree on something or have different views, it’s possible to maintain a healthy relationship. If that means setting boundaries around certain conversations, do it. Maybe it means simply listening and supporting other people rather than making everything a debate. Empathy is the key to building a trusting and happy relationship, regardless of how these conversations look.
7. Ignoring or crossing boundaries
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There are several ways to set healthy boundaries in a family relationship, and while it might be uncomfortable to maintain them at first, they ensure everyone gets the respect they deserve. It can feel disorienting when people consistently overstep their boundaries and invalidate your emotions when you try to have conversations about their behavior.
Especially for adult kids begging for respect from their parents, who should have their best interests at heart, consistently disregarding their boundaries and needs can spark resentment. Whether it’s stopping by unannounced or saying “no” to family events, everyone should feel empowered and supported in doing what’s best for them without judgment.
8. Glorifying burnout as 'work ethic'
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While their parents might’ve grown up in a “hustle culture” that celebrates hard work to a fault and overworked employees for career growth or better compensation, those standards don’t work for young millennial workers today. They are more likely to prioritize a better work-life balance than their parents in the office and less likely to reap the benefits of being an “overachiever” in the same way.
When parents glamorize burnout, including all of the overwhelming symptoms that come with it, they’re not only dismissing and invalidating their kids' struggles, they’re setting them up for a life of exhaustion and chronic stress.
9. Forcing family loyalty over personal wellbeing
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Whether saying “no” to toxic family gatherings or setting boundaries with their parents, millennials who feel pressured to maintain a sense of family loyalty over looking out for their wellbeing may feel inherently resentful toward their parents.
While our parents and family members are the first glimpse at love and care many of us experience, we’re not forced to maintain unhealthy relationships with people who don’t actively respect and support us. Loyalty, whether to a company, a family member, or a partner, is only relevant if it’s a consensual two-way street. To demand respect, you also have to dish it out.
10. Treating therapy like a dirty word
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The mental health stigma that many older generations grew up around also affects their comfort level with modern mental health resources and support tools like therapy today. When their kids seek out treatment and urge their parents to adopt their helpful tools, it can feel uncomfortable for them to have conversations about — even if it’s well-intentioned.
However, dismissing mental health, altogether avoiding these hard conversations, and ignoring their adult children’s needs isn’t the way to say “no”. It’s one of the everyday things millennials secretly resent their parents for, but don’t feel allowed to say.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
