Boys Who Grow Up To Become Emotionally Competent Men Are Usually Taught 6 Things Very Early On
Pavel Danilyuk | Pexels When parents raise boys, it's important they instill in them certain lessons that help them become emotionally competent men.
Emotional competence is the ability to understand and express emotions in a healthy way. And when parents teach their boys that it's okay to express themselves, they become well-rounded men in touch with how they feel.
Emotionally competent men were taught these things early on as boys
1. Never be afraid to express joy
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As boys grow into men, it can be easy for them to internalize the idea that real men don't express how they feel, including when they're happy. This may manifest in behaviors like smiling inconsistently in photos or holding back laughing at silly things.
But a huge part of emotional competence is having the willingness to express your emotions. Joy is one of the most life-affirming emotions to feel, so when parents teach their boys to smile with their entire face or laugh until their stomach hurts, they're helping them figure out healthy ways to express themselves.
Men who were taught this lesson aren't afraid to be happy about good things. They laugh without fear of being judged and refuse to let their joy be contained. They want to share it with the rest of the world, and they do.
2. Take a stand against injustice
From bullying on the playground to seeing someone treated unfairly in the classroom, boys witness all sorts of unjust behavior as they grow up. So, it's important for parents to teach them to have the courage to stand up for others when they feel that something is wrong.
Empathy is part of emotional intelligence, but what we do with that empathy is where we become emotionally competent. When parents tell their son to speak up when they see an injustice, they feel empowered to lead with compassion.
Obviously, parents don't want them to go to bat by themselves, nor do they want to teach them that they have to solve the world's problems. But when they learn to use their empathy for good, these boys grow into men who lead with courage and ensure everyone around them feels safe.
3. Be respectful, especially to women and girls
In a world where men still make up the majority in positions of power, it can be too easy for boys to internalize the message that they're superior. Or, that they feel they must do everything they can to stay away from "girly" behaviors (like emotions) to validate this warped version of masculinity.
Raising a boy to become an emotionally competent man starts by teaching them to respect everyone, including women and girls. Teaching them concepts like boundaries and active listening help dismantle patriarchal norms that hinder men' s emotional competence.
It's one thing for boys to be aware that girls might express more emotion, but it's an entirely other thing to try to connect with her instead of rejecting her completely. When boys engage in the latter, they grow into men who connect with women in a respectful, deep way.
4. Take accountability for your actions
To raise boys who become emotionally competent men, they need to learn and understand when their actions have a negative impact on others. And when they do, they need to take accountability for those actions.
One of the most frustrating things is dealing with somebody who refuses to take responsibility. While everyone is capable of doing this, too many men do it at the expense of the people around them. This is likely because they've internalized that other peoples' emotions aren't their problem, unless the problem itself makes logical sense to them.
Emotionally competent men know and are aware that emotions can be messy things. They may not understand why someone is upset with them, but they're able to recognize that they hurt a person's feelings and can admit responsibility for hurting them, even if it was unintentional.
5. Show affection to the people you love
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Raising a boy to express his emotions in a healthy way means teaching him to show affection. When they learn this valuable lesson, as an adult, he isn't going to hesitate to show how much he cares about the people in his life.
This goes hand in hand with expressing joy, but it goes even deeper than that. You can absolutely be aware of how much you care about someone, but are you actually showing them?
While a lot of men are taught from a young age that expressing affection is weak or shameful, boys who learn the opposite of this turn out more emotionally intelligent. When his parents instill this information, he nurtures his loved ones and cares deeply about their well-being, expressing his affection emotionally or physically.
6. Find healthy ways to cope with hurt feelings
There's something really sad about the ways boys are taught that they need to cover up their sadness with anger, or that they need to just bottle up their hurt and not talk about it. It's simply not right.
To raise a boy who has control of his emotions and is in touch with them, he needs to understand the healthy ways to cope with hurt that don't involve detachment or violence. They need to know that if they feel the need to cry, they should cry. If they want to talk about what happened in their day that upset them, let them.
We risk so much when we tell our boys to deal with their own problems or to hold their emotions in. It only isolates them and forces them into masking their feelings, leading to an adult man with erratic behaviors and emotional detachment.
Luke Aliga is a writer with a degree in Technical Writing and Communication who covers relationships, culture, and human-interest topics.
