10 Ways Boomer Parents Quietly Distance Themselves From Their Adult Children's Real Lives
Do boomers really deserve their bad reputation?
fizkes | Shutterstock If there's one thing you can count on, it's different generations comparing themselves to others. Boomers get a particularly bad rap. Younger generations love to display their negative emotions for boomers and stereotype them as being hard to deal with. As research from the Sociological Review concluded, "Baby boomers... have been portrayed as selfish and individualistic, depriving subsequent generations of the opportunities they themselves benefitted from."
While younger generations often typify boomers as being selfish, there may potentially be some truth to this assessment, particularly when we pay attention to all the ways boomer parents quietly distance themselves from their adult children's real lives. Now, more than ever before, we are witnessing a "great estrangement" of children from their parents. And there are many reasons why it's happening.
Here are 10 ways boomer parents quietly distance themselves from their adult children’s real lives
1. They force them to move out
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Boomer parents can very much be a part of their children's lives in the sense that they are ever-present and always seen. That doesn't make them a part of their adult children's actual lives, though.
One way they do this is by forcing their adult children to move out. Times are tough economically, and those adult children really need all the help they can get, but their parents aren't always ready to give it to them.
According to data from the U.S. Census Bureau, one in three adults between the ages of 18 and 34 live with their parents. Research associate professor Joanne Hsu added that this is due to world-changing events like "the Great Recession" and the pandemic. With the difficult economic climate we're living in, and a dollar just not stretching as far as it used to, many people need help and are looking to their parents for it.
One of the quickest ways boomer parents quietly distance themselves from their adult children's real lives is to kick them out of the house. This would put them at risk financially and make them housing insecure. It's a sure method to push your children away.
2. They don't watch their grandchildren
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Many millennials have fond memories of the days when their own grandparents would watch them while their parents worked, ran errands, or even went on vacation. Today's kids don't have that same experience as boomers are refusing to be as involved in their own grandchildren's lives. While they may have once been able to rely on their parents for childcare help, they are not giving their own children the same advantage.
Data from the CDC indicates that millennials are tending to have children later in life, which means their parents become grandparents later, too. Many just don't want to deal with young children at that age.
Dr. Melanie Ross Mills, a relationship expert and therapist, said it's normal to be upset by this. "We get disappointed," she explained. "And then we maybe even carry an offense or unforgiveness or bitterness which can cause a root for conflict."
While boomers may have legitimate reasons for not being very involved as grandparents, it's still difficult for millennials to wrap their heads around them and validate them. They think their parents should be involved grandparents, and them choosing not to be is another strike against them.
3. They ask their kids not to call them when they have a problem
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Most kids are used to reaching out to their parents when they have a problem. This is true regardless of age, but is especially true for adult kids trying to navigate life on their own. Their parents did it first, so shouldn't they be willing to help them?
In many cases, they are, but sometimes, one of the ways boomer parents quietly distance themselves from their adult children's real lives is by not being open to helping their adult children any time they pick up the phone.
Psychology expert Peg Streep explained that she had discovered through her own research that most parent-child estrangements stem from historical issues. "Whether that's marginalizing, ignoring, hypercriticizing, scapegoating or anything else — that has been going on consistently since childhood and with which the adult child has struggled ever since," she said.
If boomer parents ignore their adult children now that they're grown, they probably have a history of doing so. This can be incredibly hurtful and explain why they would feel like their parents were pushing them out of their lives. By not taking their children's calls, boomer parents are sending the message that they don't care.
4. They don't offer financial help
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The economy is, quite honestly, in shambles right now. The cost of living is hitting record highs, and people just don't have the money to pay for the things they need. Boomers, on the other hand, did not experience this problem when they were younger. They actually had greater wealth than their millennial children do.
According to Pew Research Center, "For millennials with some college or less, annual earnings were lower than their counterparts in prior generations. For example, millennial workers with some college education reported making $36,000, lower than the $38,900 early baby boomer workers made at the same age in 1982." Adjusting for inflation, this difference is even greater.
For this reason, many boomer parents don't see a reason to offer financial assistance to their adult children. They assume they're making it just like they did themselves. What they don't realize is that their kids are struggling to make ends meet and barely getting by. By withholding financial help that they could likely give, boomers are just distancing themselves from their adult children even further.
5. They make them pay rent if they're living with them
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Another way that boomers cause financial pain for their adult children is by allowing them to live with them, but making them pay rent while doing so. Some would say it's a fair exchange since those same children would have to pay rent if they lived somewhere else, but few people move back home with the intention of opening their wallets.
A poll from Redfield & Wilton Strategies for Newsweek found that 57% of respondents thought that adult children who moved back home should have to pay some kind of rent. This was in opposition to 28% of respondents who said those adult children shouldn't have to pay rent at all. The sentiment that adult children should be paying rent is clear. That doesn't mean they agree with it, though.
A lot of adult children in the millennial age group would probably say that if they have to move back home for financial reasons, they deserve to do so rent-free. Since saving money is the reason they're moving home, they don't want to pay rent to just live in their childhood home. They see this as one more way that their boomer parents are pushing them away.
6. They don't go on vacation together
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Family vacations are a staple of American life, but some families may not be so excited to take them. Boomer parents who are used to their adult children, and possibly grandchildren, tagging along for vacation very possibly feel like it's time for those days to end and for them to be able to get some time to themselves without a gaggle of guests.
Parenting writer and columnist Amil Niazi argued that there really is no such thing as going on vacation with children. "There is no downtime because your usual support system and reliable routines are gone," she said. "This is something all parents of older kids know so deeply it feels all too obvious to point out, and yet remains a thing that all us parents of young kids must realize for ourselves."
Obviously, vacationing with adult children is very different from vacationing with young children. However, if those adult children bring their own kids with them, it turns into an event to get through instead of merely enjoying.
And after all those years of vacationing when those adult kids were younger, boomers may feel like they have the right to go on their own. Their kids just might not take too kindly to that idea.
7. They refuse to let them borrow anything
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Of course, the first thing people think of when it comes to borrowing is money, but that's not the only thing that can be borrowed. Virtually any material possession counts. Adult children probably feel like their parents owe them and therefore should let them borrow anything they want, but boomers don't see it that way.
If money is the thing that's being borrowed, financial writer Miranda Marquit recommends taking the situation seriously. This isn't just a simple loan that may or may not be repaid. Instead, she suggests you make a promissory note and charge interest, even when loaning to family, like children.
Boomers will likely want to be careful with what they're willing to let their children borrow. Because they're not immediately ready to say yes to whatever they ask for, it's likely that adult children will see this as their parents distancing themselves and want to have less to do with them.
8. They won't co-sign any loans
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Often, adult children want their parents to co-sign on some type of loan with them. As experts from Equifax pointed out, this can be especially beneficial for adult children who haven't built up much of a credit history. This is, by all accounts, a nice thing for a parent to do for their child. But it's certainly not required.
For a boomer parent to co-sign a loan with their child, they're taking a risk. According to the Federal Trade Commission, "When you co-sign a loan, you agree to be responsible for someone else's debt. If the main borrower misses payments, you must make the payments. If the main borrower misses payments or stops making payments (also called defaulting), you must repay the loan."
Parents have to be smart and take their own situations into account. If they are retired or on a fixed income, co-signing a loan could pose serious risks they're not willing to take. But if they refuse to be a co-signer, their children may see it as a sign of them withdrawing from their lives. It's a difficult situation to be in.
9. They don't use technology to reach out to their children
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One of the easiest ways for families to stay in touch is to use technology to reach out, whether that's by phone, text, video call, email or social media. However, some boomers are technology adverse and would prefer not to use it. If this is how their adult children are willing to communicate with them, but they aren't willing to get involved, it's simply one of the unfortunate ways boomer parents quietly distance themselves from their adult children's real lives.
Jan Golden, a web developer and creator of Boomer Web School, said boomers cannot be entirely blamed for this lack of technological prowess. She noted the fact that when boomers were growing up, technology developed at a steady but somewhat slower pace. Then, suddenly, within the last 15 years, technological innovations have run rampant. It's just too much to keep up with.
For younger generations, technological advancements are welcome, and they enjoy using them to stay in touch with family. Boomers just can't quite catch up on this, though, which leaves them looking like they are trying to move themselves out of their kids' lives. Whether or not this is intentionally the case, it's certainly the message adult children are picking up.
10. They move far away
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Some boomer parents quite literally distance themselves from their adult children by moving far away. This addition of physical space makes it difficult to feel a sense of closeness and to bond with family.
Boomers could quite possibly be in a better financial position than their children, as they worked and retired when the economy was on better terms. Their adult children don't have the same money needed to make a move and can't be close to them anymore.
ABC News national correspondent Erielle Reshef told the story of one boomer, Ted Dobson, who chose to move to Mexico for his retirement, which left his daughter feeling a bit resentful because he wasn't around to help out with her kids.
"Yeah, I do feel a little bit guilty that I'm not more present with the kids, you know, sort of... in a personal in-person relationship," he said. "But I think like a lot of people in my generation, we do feel financial responsibility."
While boomers may see this as a great time to move to their dream destinations, their kids are left feeling hurt by their distance from home and resulting lack of involvement. That doesn't mean boomers shouldn't follow their dreams. Perhaps they should just give greater consideration to their kids' feelings in the process.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor's degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
