11 Signs Your Mom Is Secretly Only Happy When You're Miserable
Evgeny Atamanenko | Shutterstock Along with providing a nurturing, secure environment for their children, moms are meant to teach life skills and model respect, all while juggling a majority of the mental load and other responsibilities at home. A good mom is there every step of the way, regardless of what she has going on, and acts as a guide and support system to lean on.
Unfortunately, some moms are entirely focused on themselves and go out of their way to bring their children down. Whether it's making you doubt your abilities or even trying to compete with you, the signs your mom is secretly only happy when you're miserable become more evident through her behaviors and attitude.
Here are 11 signs your mom is secretly only happy when you're miserable
1. She minimizes your success
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Good mothers are always happy for their kids' successes. Seeing their children live out their dreams and accomplish what they've worked for is a mother's one true wish in life. But when a mother is full of hate and jealousy, she's resentful and minimizes their achievements.
Hating the fact that her kids have everything she's ever wanted in life, she's quick to downplay their major achievements. Blaming it on luck or saying, "You wouldn't be there if it wasn't for me," she doesn't know how to give praise when it's due.
As professor Raj Raghunathan pointed out, when we're constantly exposed to negativity like this, it makes us become uncaring or mean, acting out of anxiety or distrust. And if your mother is always undermining you, it's time to start thinking twice about your relationship.
2. She discourages your independence
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Good mothers aren't afraid to push their kids to do better and think for themselves. While they may dread the idea of their kids getting older, they also understand the importance of independence. Whether it's making them get a job when they're of age or taking responsibility for their grades, independence translates to greater confidence and competence.
Unfortunately, not all mothers care to this extent. They enjoy the idea of their children remaining dependent on them, and often cheer for their downfall by discouraging independence. They simply don't want their kids to become their own person, all for her own selfish reasons.
3. She makes you feel guilty for being happy without her
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One day, a child will move away and become their own person separate from their parents. But leaving and finding their way isn't anything personal. Because for them to become the happiest, most authentic version of themselves, they need to create space.
But when your mom is secretly only happy when you're miserable, she will shift blame to you for doing well without her around. She goes out of her way to make you feel bad about your choices, terrorizing you for being happy and having you second-guessing yourself.
4. She reminds you of your mistakes
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If there's one thing toxic mothers are best at, it's never letting things go. Holding mistakes over your head, you can tell your mom is only happy at you going through tough times by reminding you of mistakes you've made in the past. She doesn't like to play fair, but it gives her a sense of control.
In her eyes, there's no such thing as growth and moving forward. Yearning to put you in your place, mothers like this hold things against you, all in an effort to bring you down a notch and manipulate you in the process.
5. She competes with you in every conversation
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Toxic mothers are extremely insecure, lacking the coping skills necessary to deal with their jealousy issues. So, she will take her frustrations out on you by not just wishing you the worst but acting like she's much better off than you. She makes it a point to compete with you, even though there's no competition to begin with.
From downplaying your success to one-upping you in the stories she tells, her goal is to make you look like a fool. Unfortunately, it's what narcissists do. As licensed marriage and family therapist Dan Neuharth explained, narcissists don't usually think twice about hurting others, as they're focused on the end result.
6. She undermines your newfound confidence
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Thriving off of insecurity, a jealous, toxic mom can't stand when someone else, especially her child, is happy. Moms who aren't on your side undermine your confidence, whether it's from achieving your ideal body or getting a good job offer.
Refusing to smile or show an ounce of joy, she'll destroy your confidence to make herself feel better. Whether it's shaming you, bringing up the past, or even belittling you for no reason at all, so long as it knocks your confidence down, she's willing to say whatever it takes.
7. She grows enraged when you put up healthy boundaries
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When someone is truly on your side, they only want the best for you. Even if it means putting some distance or setting strict boundaries, a loyal loved one is willing to meet you halfway. A good mother knows that setting boundaries is essential to creating the life her kids want, and she respects them to a fault.
But mothers who are only happy when you're miserable hate the idea of you saying no to them. Screaming, crying, playing the victim or making a scene, they'll have you second-guessing your boundaries, all to appease them.
8. She shares your failures with others, but hides your wins
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Jealous mothers feel superior every time you stumble, and they're quick to share your failures with others. However, they won't reveal your accomplishments, whether it's at family gatherings or on the phone with her close friends.
Only hearing the worst about you, it's hard for your family to imagine you doing better than what your mother has been saying. It's humiliating and awkward, but it's important to remember that toxic mothers only want to see you fail, so don't give them the satisfaction.
9. She purposely gives you terrible advice
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Good mothers are going to keep it real with their children. They'll drop the truth and give them hard advice, even if they don't want to hear it. Call them blunt, but caring mothers have good intentions and want the absolute best for their children, so they'll never lead them astray.
However, mothers who like seeing you miserable won't go out of their way to look out for you. Hating the idea of you doing well without them, they'll intentionally give you bad advice. "Envy allows the insecure mother to feel temporarily better about herself. When she envies and then criticizes and devalues the [adult child], she diminishes the threat to her own fragile self-esteem," licensed marriage and family therapist Karyl McBride said.
10. You feel drained after interacting with her
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When you interact with your mother, you're supposed to feel happy and connected. You feel loved and supported, and being with her feels like a warm hug. But if your mother is secretly hateful and only feels happy when you're unhappy, there's an absence of peace in your interactions.
Constantly criticizing and belittling you, it can feel suffocating to be around her. You don't feel respected or understood, and may find yourself questioning whether this relationship is worth it. And if you don't see any signs of her changing or respecting boundaries, it may be high time to consider going no contact.
11. She sabotages your healthy relationships
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A toxic mother is likely to cut off any relationships you make as an adult. She sees it as her losing control of you, and her worst fear is that you become close or dependent on others. When she feels like this, she may throw a tantrum and have over-the-top reactions to make herself feel powerful.
So, if your mother is actively trying to sabotage your relationships, it's essential to set boundaries or slowly create distance. It isn't easy, but your mental health is worth it.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and trending topics.
