Parents Who Say 11 Phrases To Their Grown Kids Usually Push Them Away
Evgeny Atamanenko | Shutterstock There are many avenues toward parental estrangement, but a common theme is that parents aren't putting effort into changing their negative behavior. Unfortunately, 27% of Americans are currently estranged from at least one of their family members, pointing to how big of an issue challenging dynamics can become in even the most average family.
Saying certain things to your grown kids is a sure-fire way to push them away, probably for good. Distance from toxic parents is a self-protective measure, and is a good action to take if you need space and time to heal.
Parents who say these 11 things to their grown kids usually push them away:
1. 'You're too sensitive'
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Parents who tell their adult kids that they're too sensitive don't tend to stay close. This phrase has a negative undertone and it derides people for something they're learning to control: how they express their feelings. Though telling a child they're too sensitive comes with its own drawbacks.
According to child psychologist Elinor Bashe, "When you try to talk your kid out of what they're feeling, it causes them to hold on to that feeling more tightly and get even more upset." Unfortunately, when parents continue to use phrases like this to their adult children, it's a sure-fire way to push them away.
When children, and even adult children, let their parents see their vulnerability, it can be extremely damaging if they respond with harsh criticism instead of acceptance. So, it's important that parents communicate with openness and empathy, no matter how old their kids are.
2. 'Wait until you have real responsibilities'
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Being an adult is difficult, and grown kids don't need their parents saying things like this to them. Especially for young adults, they're trying to find their place in a complicated world, where the pathways aren't always clearly defined. Sure, a kid's weekly chores might pale in comparison to what grown-ups do to maintain a household, but invalidating an adult child's experience just leads to emotional distance and harbored resentment.
Parents may be infantilizing their own kids, treating them like babies despite being old enough to do basic adult things. Parents might justify using this phrase because it prepares kids for just how difficult the real world is, but using it on adults is off-base. No matter how old their children get, they need to feel supported, seen, and heard.
3. 'I had it harder when I was your age'
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Older generations love to tell younger generations how hard life was once upon a time, but telling your adult children that you had it rougher than they did ropes them into an unnecessary round of the comparison game that they didn't choose to play. This phrase forces their adult kids to apologize for something they didn't cause, and it allows parents to not recognize their kids as individuals with a separate and nuanced experience from what they went through.
Maybe their parents had to pay their own way through school or worked multiple jobs to afford the basics, and when their kids don't have to experience the same things because of their parents' hard work, it can make parents feel superior and competitive. Unfortunately, "parental jealousy can lead to feelings of guilt and shame in children, as well as lower self-esteem and a decreased sense of personal agency," according to research from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
4. 'I sacrifice everything for you and this is how you repay me?'
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Parents are required to provide for their children, but weaponizing that care is a form of emotional abuse. Just because a parent kept a roof over their kid's head and fed them three meals a day doesn't give them any right to wield those basic necessities over their heads when they're adults.
Many parents maintain the perspective that their kids owe them something, just by virtue of being cared for. Some kids get kicked out of the house the moment they turn 18, as if that arbitrary age means they don't need any more support or love. But using this phrase is an indication that a parent is withholding actual care from their adult children, and they shouldn't be surprised if they don't stay close.
5. 'You should know better'
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While saying this to a young child or teenager can be a learning experience, when parents say this to their grown kids, they're only pushing them away. Growing up, children and teens are learning how to be people, which means they're going to mess up and make mistakes, but getting things wrong is crucial to the learning process.
By telling their adult child that they should have known better, parents are holding them to unfair standards. Parents are placing blame on them when they use this phrase, and it's usually something that's completely developmentally appropriate. Especially for young adults, they're going to make mistakes, but parents should be supportive rather than harsh.
6. 'You have no right to complain'
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Similar to how they shut down their kid's emotions when they were younger, parents shouldn't be saying this phrase to their adult children. It's actively denying them the right to express how they feel. Everything is relative, which means that even adults who have all their practical needs provided can still suffer on an emotional level.
Experiencing anxiety and depression cuts across class lines. Someone's social status doesn't automatically predict their mental health. "You have no right to complain" is an example of a dismissive statement, one that parents might say without realizing how hurtful it really is. A parent who continuously tells their adult children not to complain because of how good they have it is highly likely to push them away.
7. 'Don't come crying to me when it doesn't work out'
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No matter how old a person is, they need to feel supported on an emotional level. Even when someone spreads their wings and leaves the nest, they still need to feel like their parents are protecting them. Young adults often make impulsive decisions that don't play out well in the long run, but knowing that their parents have their back if and when everything crashes and burns is deeply important.
Doing things wrong and making poor choices is a harsh part of the learning curve on the road to adulthood, so when a parent says "don't come crying to me when it doesn't work out" to their grown kids, they're essentially saying that any negative consequences are well-deserved, and they won't be there to soothe their kid when something bad happens. Parents who say this shouldn't be surprised when their kids decide to go no-contact.
8. 'I'm done talking about this'
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The phrase "I'm done talking about this" is a common one from parents who have a low capacity for difficult conversations. While adults may have heard this phrase said to them as children, when they're grown up, it hits differently. It's literally shutting them down when what they really need is space to process their thoughts and feelings, and have someone to confide in.
As data from Pew Research Center found, while 69% of adults feel they can be their authentic selves around their parents, 11% say they never or rarely can. Additionally, 18% of young adults admit they have a fair or poor relationship with their parents. So, it would make sense that adults whose parents shut them down emotionally would fit into this range.
9. 'You should be grateful'
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Practicing gratitude is hugely important for a person's psychological well-being and overall sense of happiness, but telling an adult child to be grateful for what their parents provided them as kids is a form of guilt-tripping. Parents who use this phrase create feelings of resentment in their grown kids, who feel like they're not being heard.
It's highly possible that adults who hear this phrase from their parents will withdraw emotionally and separate themselves. Because they aren't being given the connection they need, they probably won't stay close at all.
10. 'I don't care what you want'
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Parents who say this phrase to their grown kids push them away because it makes them feel diminished and dismissed. It can negatively affect their sense of confidence and self-worth, and make them believe that they shouldn't have wants or needs or express how they feel. When they're told this as children, it translates to "I don't care about you," and as adults they may be holding onto this same feeling.
Adults have their own free will and autonomy, so a parent saying this to a grown adult is showing how selfish they are. While controlling a child's routine and schedule is normal when they're young, saying this phrase just means they continue to not care about the needs of the children they raised.
11. 'I guess I'm just a terrible parent then'
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The second a parent says this phrase to their grown children, it's sure to push them away. It's not only guilt-tripping and manipulative, but it refocuses the conversation to revolve around them managing their emotions, rather than solving a problem. Over time, adult kids will want to talk to their parents less and less, especially if they're going to be met with a response like this.
According to health psychologist Dr. Barbara Wilson, "This phrase pulls the spotlight onto the parent's pain... You end up comforting the person who hurt you. The original topic disappears. After a while, you might stop bringing up anything hard because it feels like emotional quicksand. Some parents use this as a reflex. Shame rises fast and they try to escape it. Still, the effect on you is the same, because your feelings get sidelined."
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.
