5 Phrases To Set Boundaries With Your Kids Without Hurting Their Self-Esteem, According To Experts
Boundaries help set your kids up for life success.
Jayson Hinrichsen | Unsplash Kids want boundaries. Boundaries let them know where to explore and how, as well as setting them up for future success in many aspects of life. But, how do you set boundaries with kids in a way to enhance their self-esteem?
Research from Michigan State University explored how "setting boundaries and expectations for children can assist in building life skills that include; patience, problem solving, resourcefulness, responsibility and self-discipline," and advised to "plan ahead, be clear and positive, give choices, model the behavior you’d like to see, and expect setbacks and testing." Setting healthy boundaries with your kids has a lot to do with the boundaries you set for yourself.
Here are five phrases to set boundaries with your kids without hurting their self-esteem, according to experts:
1. 'I love you, but I need a break'
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Marriage coach Susan Allan has found saying, "I love you, honey, and mommy needs thirty minutes, so please do your homework, and I'll come back and check on you in thirty minutes," to be beneficial for setting a boundary that doesn't damage a child's self-esteem or parental patience.
2. 'I understand why you want to, but....'
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When setting boundaries about activities or behaviors, the first step is to validate that a child or teen has a desire to do something that makes sense to them, advises psychologist Dr. Sharon Saline. If you deem it unsafe or think they aren't ready, start by acknowledging their desire.
Then, explain why it isn't possible yet and, if appropriate, lay out the future circumstances when it might be. This will help them feel listened to and acknowledged instead of simply shut down.
If you are setting boundaries about inappropriate language or actions related to safety issues, I encourage you to sit down and have a family discussion about anger, aggression, and blow-ups. Talk about what everybody's expectations are during meltdowns and create a plan with a non-cooperation clause.
Then, during an outburst, follow your agreement, remind your kids about it, and if they can't regulate themselves, opt for the non-cooperation plan.
3. 'Being true to yourself means everything'
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Helping your child recognize how unique they are creates enough self-esteem that they won't be convinced by others to break boundaries, points out personal development coach Jan Bowen. Show them how they possess a specific combination of skills, quirks, physical traits, giggles, etc., and the world is a better place when they let all of that shine brightly.
Just know, your child won’t believe "being true to yourself" means anything if, in the next breath, you’re comparing them to peers or siblings (whether about their grades, looks, talents, or personality) or say, "Why can’t you get straight As and be more outgoing like your sister?"
Your kids are also watching to see how bravely you shine your authentic self in the world. Do you constantly hide your true feelings, beliefs, or talents?
Children are excellent truth detectors and can see if you're practicing your advice about the value of authenticity. If they constantly overhear you criticizing and judging others for being unique, don’t be surprised when your child buckles under peer pressure and desperately tries to fit in.
4. 'Let's take a beat'
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Dr. Saline also recommends taking a pause, taking a short break, and coming back to this later. Or, right now, we need to stop, breathe, and regroup. Or say, "What's happening right now isn't working for either of us. Let's slow things down and zoom out before going any further."
5. 'No' — but mean it
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In the short term, this will not make them happy (and might even feel like bad parenting), but in the long run, it will pay off, recommends psychotherapist Lianne Avila. Kids don't have to be happy all the time.
I'm sure while you were growing up, your parents said "no," and now you can see why. This will also help your kids set boundaries for themselves. When children don't hear the word "no", they don't learn to say the word "no" either.
Listening when your child says "no" is one of the best things you can do. When a child feels like you are truly listening, they feel loved and know how to express boundaries.
The most valuable part of setting good boundaries with children is the lifelong impact it will have on all of their adult relationships. When you exercise good boundaries, boundaries that make sense and are adhered to, you model an example for your child of how to maintain boundaries in a world that might otherwise ignore them.
