Kids Who Aren’t Taught This One Thing Before Starting School Are 'Basically Unteachable,' Says A Kindergarten Teacher
"No means no" goes for kids too!
PattyPhoto | Shutterstock When preparing your child to enter kindergarten, some experts recommend teaching them how to write their name. Others advise working on shapes and colors, while some emphasize the importance of conversational and listening skills.
In a recent TikTok, Emily Perkins, a Kentucky kindergarten teacher and mother of two, stressed the importance of something entirely different: how to respect "no."
The kindergarten teacher said that kids who aren't taught to respect 'no' before starting school are 'basically unteachable.'
When people learn that she is a kindergarten teacher, parents often ask Perkins how they can prepare their kids for kindergarten. Most expect to hear something along the lines of "teach them how to tie their shoes" or "teach them how to open their own snacks," but that is not Perkins's answer.
"Tell your child no," she insisted. "Tell them no as a complete sentence, and do not teach them that telling them no invites them to argue with you."
"If you cannot tell your child no, your child's teacher probably can't tell them no either," Perkins continued. "And if your child's teacher can't tell them no, it's really hard to help them learn."
Imagine being a teacher tasked with wrangling and teaching a classroom of 5-year-olds, none of whom respect the word "no." It's practically impossible. While being told "no" can certainly be disappointing, it is a part of life, and kids should be taught that "no means no" before even stepping foot in a classroom.
"I will open their snacks. I will tie their shoes. I will help them blow their nose. I will teach them how to wash their hands properly. I will put the Capri Sun straw in the nonexistent hole of these new 100% fruit juice Capri Suns," Perkins added. "I will do that all day. But if I can't tell your child no, [they're] unteachable."
Aside from struggling to be taught, kids who don't respect 'no' also put their safety at risk.
It's great to give a child an explanation as to why you are saying "no," but that isn't always feasible in the moment, especially during emergencies. There simply may not be the time to explain to a child why they cannot do something.
"Think of logistics," Perkins told TODAY.com. "If we’re lining up for a fire drill, it’s, 'No, you may not stay inside if the building is on fire' or 'No, you may not climb on the table because it’s not safe.'"
"I love to explain why, but if I can’t right then, kids still have to hear and accept 'no,'" she said.
There are several ways to teach your child to accept 'no' as an answer.
Writing for Empowering Parents, James Lehman, an author and child behavioral therapist, shared several ways to teach your child to accept "no" as an answer.
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It all starts with establishing authority. "Parents establish their authority by setting limits and having a structure," he explained. "Start early and be consistent." Make sure to follow through with your rules and consequences, because if you give in, you teach your child that arguing works in their favor.
"If you give in to temper tantrums from kids who are two and three, and four years old, you’re training them to challenge your authority," Lehman said. "You’re teaching them that you give in when they act out. And they’ll use the same tactics whenever you challenge them."
If your kid gets upset when you tell them "no," remember to stay calm and don't respond to back talk. Teach them ways to calm down and handle big emotions. Once things are calm, you can explain your reasoning behind the "no."
It may be difficult, but teaching your child to respect "no" early on will help you, them, and all of their future educators.
Audrey Jaber is a writer and associate editor with a bachelor's degree in journalism.
