Parents Who Pay More Attention To Work Than Their Kids Often Share 11 Childhood Wounds Of Their Own
Dmytro Zinkevych / Shutterstock Parents typically want the best for their children. But while they may wish to dedicate all their time to them, life can throw curveballs.
There are many reasons why a parent might pay more attention to work than to their kids. Likely, their livelihood depends on it. Most households depend on shared income, which means both parents are often out of the house during the week. They can’t support their family without the income. In other situations, it could be an escape. They might be overwhelmed at home because of their own childhood wounds. It’s hard to remember that our parents were once children, too, and may be working through their own unresolved pain. They likely find themselves working hard to hide their own scars, but they show in how they put work ahead of their children.
Parents who pay more attention to work than their kids often share 11 childhood wounds of their own
1. Feelings of abandonment
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If your parents grew up in a home where their parents were gone often, they may have felt abandoned. Now, it can be hard for them to connect with others. They may fear loneliness, but still isolate themselves from people. They may not want to hurt others the way they were hurt, but unintentionally, they are doing the same thing. If their parents were absent, it could be the only way they understand how to parent.
It’s not easy to try different parenting techniques when you were raised a certain way. Our parents try their best, but feelings from their past can cause them to reenact the behavior that hurt them, even if it’s not their intention.
2. Experiences of rejection
Parents can put a lot of pressure on their children. When they don’t meet their standards, they may feel rejected. It’s no surprise that this leaves a lasting impact on them. Invalidation from your caregivers in childhood can make you lose confidence as an adult. When the people who are supposed to provide you with love and support pull away from you, it can leave you feeling like you don’t matter to anyone. Unintentionally, they may continue that behavior with their own children.
This feeling of early rejection can make forming bonds with people difficult. They may dedicate themselves to work instead. This could be to boost their own self-esteem by feeling like they’re achieving something, something their parents may have never given them credit for. Or, they could struggle to form bonds with people out of a fear of rejection.
3. Being subjected to pressure to be perfect
Everyone wants their children to succeed. Sometimes, it gets taken to an unhealthy level. There is a desire for children to be perfect. Parents want their children to have perfect grades and succeed in all of their extracurricular activities. When they fail to meet that standard, they might react harshly, causing lasting issues.
If they feel they let their parents down, they may spend their adult years trying to prove to them that they are worthy of their pride. They might put everything into work as a way to impress them, long after their childhood. This can cause them to work hard, which takes away from spending time with their own children.
4. Favoritism
Parents aren’t supposed to have a favorite child. They may say they do not, but some can act completely differently. If a child believes they are not their parents’ favorite, they may struggle with self-esteem. Seeing their sibling favored might cause them to constantly long for success. They want to prove to their parents that they were just as good, if not better. This can lead to ambitious goals to prove their worth.
They may have internalized this feeling. Now, they put all of their effort into their job, hoping to heal that part of themselves from childhood who felt they were never good enough.
5. Emotional pain
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Our parents may not do it intentionally, but they can cause emotional pain that stays with us into adulthood. If our parents experienced this themselves, it can change how they treat us. Likely, they want to break this cycle, but it can carry over from their own childhood pain. One response to this could be to avoid similar situations. This could be paying more attention to their work than to their children.
Past pain can be difficult to manage. Some parents may not have the tools to work through what they experienced in their childhood. It can be easier for them to avoid these situations altogether, and focusing on work can be their solution.
6. Too much responsibility at too young an age
Some people are forced to grow up fast. Their parents may have put too much responsibility on them at a young age. Likely, they were spending hours away from home working. If your parent was the one who had to take accountability for their siblings and the household, they had to grow up fast. Instead of playing and having fun, they were looking after children and putting dinner on the stove.
Since they were treated like adults from a young age, they may feel the need to keep busy. Putting all of their attention into work may be a distraction. They don’t know how to slow down and try to take on as much work as they can. It can cause them to be absent from their own children.
7. Shame
Have you heard of intergenerational shame? This means family problems are passed down from one generation to the next, even if it’s unintentional. Negativity and pain can move through each family member, causing them to have an unhealthy dynamic with their children. When someone is shamed, they think they are not good enough. Feeling unworthy of love is a common side effect of this. This acts as a ripple effect.
When all your parent know is shame, it’s not surprising they may put all of their effort into something, like their career, that makes them feel good about themselves. They may also fear passing on that shame to their own children. Instead of focusing on them, they may place their attention on work as an attempt to put a band-aid on the situation.
8. A lack of structure
Often, we want to create a life for ourselves that is different from the one we grew up with. Growing up in a chaotic household can lead to anxiety. When something lacks structure, it can be triggering for adults who come from unstable environments. Stability can mean everything to someone like this, and a structured routine may finally find comfort. This can cause them to put everything they have into their jobs.
A career provides structure. It’s something you can count on doing five days a week, all at the same time. Sadly, this can come at the cost of their relationship with their children. They may care more about sticking to their routine to protect their mental health, though it can open wounds for their children.
9. A lack of nurturing
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Children need the love and support of their parents. Unfortunately, not everyone receives it. Some parents can be cold to their children, whether they mean to be or not. Some people have a hard time connecting with others, while others may have been too busy to give their children all the attention they needed. It can lead to challenges for their children as they grow into adults.
If someone wasn’t given the attention they needed in childhood, they may not be able to provide it to their own children. Instead, they can find it easier to put all of their effort into their work. They may have seen their parents do this and follow suit.
10. Fear of failure
Parents may place an unnecessary burden of success on their children. They may think they are doing the right thing and encouraging their children to be the best they can. However, it can have the opposite effect. Instead, their children may be afraid of letting them down. The pressure can cause them an intense fear of failure.
Letting their parents down likely sticks with them. Now, they’ll do everything they can to succeed, including putting more attention into work than their children.
11. Betrayal
Our parents are often the last people we’d think would betray us. Sadly, it happens more than we realize. It can be a break in trust, or constant pain that they made them endure. This can make them struggle to trust other people. They may not know how to properly parent their children because they didn’t have a strong influence. Fearing they may let their own child down, they may shift their focus to something they have more control over.
For many people, their work is that thing. They can control how they show up every day, and stick to their routine when life feels heavy. With their own children, they may be afraid they’ll hurt them the same way they were hurt. Of course, working through this with the help of a therapist would be most beneficial, but some people choose instead to keep their minds busy on something else entirely.
Haley Van Horn is a freelance writer with a master’s degree in Humanities, living in Los Angeles. Her focus includes entertainment and lifestyle stories.
