Parents Who Constantly Yell At Each Other In Front Of Their Kids Leave Them With These 11 Issues As Adults
BearFotos | Shutterstock We often carry our childhood experiences with us into adulthood, whether we grew up in a relatively supportive home or not. Especially for adult children who carry unresolved childhood trauma with them, perhaps from angry parents who raised their voices at one another, the feelings of anxiety and resentment can negatively impact their relationships, self-esteem, and personal development in profound ways.
Unfortunately, parents who constantly yell at each other in front of their kids leave them with these issues as adults, as well as struggles with their boundaries and emotional expression. But in order to heal from the lingering effects of an unfortunate childhood situation, it's necessary to first acknowledge them. Only then can these adult children truly heal.
Parents who constantly yell at each other in front of their kids leave them with these 11 issues as adults
1. Struggling to express emotions
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Many adult children who struggle with emotional regulation and coping mechanisms resort to anger, frustration, or isolation when they’re forced to express difficult emotions or involve themselves in uncomfortable and innately vulnerable conversations. Because their parents were constantly creating a hostile environment, they’ve been indirectly taught that their emotions are a burden that should be kept private to keep the peace.
Especially for men, who might have been influenced by their parents’ toxicity alongside other societal expectations for male vulnerability, it can be even harder for them to express their emotions. As such, they end up sabotaging the health of their relationships and social connections, unable to express how they truly feel inside.
2. Feeling anxious during arguments
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Parents who constantly yell at each other in front of their kids ultimately end up creating a highly volatile environment, causing their children to become anxious and carry that feeling into adulthood. When it comes to healthy conflict resolution, coming from a home constantly riddled with unnecessary conflict, arguments, and hostility between their parents, these adult children find it overwhelming to navigate even the healthiest of disagreements in their daily lives.
Addressing the anxiety you experience during arguments can be essential for growth. Find ways to communicate your anxiety to your partner, take space to unpack your own emotions, and ensure you're practicing staying present and actively engaged in conflicts. Even when it’s uncomfortable, addressing conflicts directly will always be healthier for a relationship than letting them fester and transform into resentment down the road.
3. Resorting to people-pleasing to avoid conflict
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According to psychiatrist Dr. Harold Bloomfield, in his book “Making Peace With Your Parents,” people-pleasing behaviors aren’t always directed towards parents, especially for adult children navigating their independent lives. The “approval trap” they fall into generally stems into other areas of their lives, from work relationships to intimate connections, urging them to protect the peace and avoid conflicts by repressing their own emotions and needs.
Of course, avoiding conflict only leads to resentment, especially when personal emotional needs are going consistently unmet and unacknowledged. So, it should come as no surprise that children who grew up in households with parents who constantly yelled at each other in front of them would adopt people-pleasing behaviors. As a child, it was much easier to walk on eggshells to prevent any further hostility.
4. Struggling to trust people
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Trust is the basis for all healthy relationships. In fact, an Eastern Illinois University survey found that 100% of respondents named trustworthiness as the most important factor in their intimate relationships as adults. However, adult children whose parents yelled at each other a lot tend to struggle with trusting others, as it forces them to let down their own emotional guards.
Without a safe and secure environment growing up, children struggle to trust their parents to genuinely support them and their authentic identities, emotions, and problems, instead holding it all in. As adults, they won't let their guard down. However, though healing is challenging, with the right partner, supportive environment, and commitment to growth and occasional discomfort, people who were subjected to this childhood can move forward.
5. Having difficulty asserting boundaries
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Parents who constantly yell at each other in front of their kids often left them walking on eggshells, trying to protect the peace in their family by avoiding arguments or ensuring their parents were always happy. Unfortunately, as adults, they struggle with saying “no” or asserting their boundaries. They’re less likely to prioritize their own needs and emotional well-being, especially when it makes other people uncomfortable.
Highly sensitive and overly empathetic people tend to put their own emotional needs on hold to protect themselves from discomfort, conflict, or tension. Of course, the intensity of the emotions they feel can be overwhelming, but when they repress how they feel and try to control a relationship dynamic, it only sparks an anxious attachment founded on a fear of abandonment and betrayal that creates more stress.
6. Self-sabotaging intimate relationships
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Because of their upbringing, people raised by parents who yelled at each other now likely have a tendency towards self-sabotage. They may retreat in the face of intimacy to misguidedly protect themselves from being hurt by becoming too invested. They're afraid of criticism, sharing their true authentic self, and having to mediate conflicts, and they steer clear of vulnerability.
A fear of commitment can also stem from cynicism about relationships in general, according to clinical psychologist Dr. Konstantin Lukin, especially for adult children who grew up in a hostile household. Unlearning this fear of intimacy can be difficult, but it’s not impossible. It starts with open communication, a safe space, and a commitment to getting out of their comfort zone.
7. Perfectionism
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While sometimes considered productive in traditional institutions like the workplace, perfectionism is generally a misguided and toxic trait in adults, especially when it’s cultivated as a defense mechanism against criticism. Typically anxious around conflict or criticism as a result of growing up in a relatively hostile and unpredictable home environment, adult children who become perfectionists cling to their achievement as a means of control.
Overcompensating to ensure nothing in their life goes wrong, this is a flawed and toxic mindset. Perfectionists tend to overexert themselves towards burnout and struggle with self-esteem, because their ability to succeed is tied into their self-worth and general well-being.
8. Low self-esteem
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Like psychology professor E. Mark Cummings explains in his book “Marital Conflict and Children: An Emotional Security Perspective,” conflict is part of any family dynamic and everyday life. It’s not necessarily whether or not parents fight that influences their children, but rather how they fight.
If issues are expressed, communicated through, and ultimately resolved, children have the opportunity to learn conflict resolution, communication skills, and empathy. However, if their parents rely on name-calling, guilt-tripping, threats of abandonment, or tactics like the silent treatment, their children develop anxious, hopeless, and isolated mindsets around conflict and arguments.
This kind of isolation and their sense of responsibility to keep the peace between their parents often leads to low self-esteem in young kids, who may feel inherently unworthy of genuine attention and security at home. In adulthood, this fear of abandonment and constant anxiety continues to feed into a cycle of insecurity.
9. Having toxic or nonexistent relationships with siblings
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As Cummings continues to explain in writings on his research on marital conflict, many children with hostile home environments don’t only struggle to maintain healthy relationships with their peers, but also with other members of their families. Either disengaged and distant or overly protective, oftentimes, siblings have trouble finding a healthy balance of connection and support amid a toxic and unstable home environment.
In adulthood, the resentment these children experience towards their parents can manifest in uncomfortable ways, sometimes at the expense of their relationship with their siblings. Not only their siblings and inherent reminder of the trauma and instability of their childhood, they tend to revert back to unhealthy versions of themselves when they’re together.
10. Codependency in relationships
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According to research published in Psychology Bulletin, adult children who grew up in “risky family environments” have more physical, emotional, and social problems than those who didn’t. Unfortunately, as a result of a hostile relationship between their parents, adults develop codependency as a survival mechanism in their homes.
Seeking a sense of comfort, control, and stability that they couldn’t achieve growing up, these issues in relationships serve as a “safe place” in adulthood, even if it's at the expense of their health.
11. Being unable to accept constructive feedback and criticism
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Sensitive people with low self-esteem often struggle to accept constructive criticism and feedback in various aspects of their lives. Even when it’s well-intentioned, any kind of criticism feels like a direct attack on their character. It triggers memories of the conflict they experienced growing up and that they’re actively trying to avoid, whether at work or in a personal relationship.
This kind of anxious mentality not only sabotages an adult child's chances for personal growth and professional opportunity, but also isolates them from situations where they could practice conflict resolution, open communication, and trust.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
