If A Man Has These 11 Frustrating Habits, He Was Probably Raised By A Deeply Controlling Mom
MAYA LAB | Shutterstock The relationship a man has with his mom in childhood can deeply affect his life as an adult. While many men in this position may shrug off their pain or trauma from growing up, they assume that their current adult struggles are all their fault. Whether it's needing validation or over-apologizing in every situation, if a man has these frustrating habits, he was probably raised by a deeply controlling mom.
Controlling and overbearing mothers are easy to spot. From their unrealistic demands to their constant criticisms, they make it their life mission to put their son in his place. They want to dictate his every move while showing no empathy for his own struggles. And while it might not impact her later in life, her son often pays the price for her careless behavior.
If a man has these 11 frustrating habits, he was probably raised by a deeply controlling mom
1. He struggles to make decisions independently
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It isn't a child's fault how their mother raised them. From permissive to authoritarian parenting, how a mother raises her child will impact them in unexpected ways. And overbearing, controlling mothers tend to oversee every single choice their child makes.
From what clothes he wears to who he should and shouldn't date, she oversteps her boundaries constantly. Unfortunately, as clinical psychologist Kate Roberts stated, children raised with a more balanced approach tend to be more confident and resilient in adulthood. So, if a mom isn't giving her son his space, she's unintentionally stifling him.
2. He feels guilty prioritizing himself
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Social media has pretty much brushed every man off as overly selfish. And while this may be true for some men, others have trouble prioritizing themselves and their needs. So, if a man tends to feel guilty when he puts himself first, he was probably raised by a deeply controlling mom.
Growing up, all he heard was how much he messed up. His grades were never perfect enough, and he could never do anything right. As most people can imagine, this constant criticism creates anxiety like never before.
Therapist Robert Taibbi, explained, "If you had critical parents, not only does this criticism eventually become embedded in your self-talk, it makes you feel more anxious. You learned that one way to fend it off was by ensuring, through perfectionism, self-scolding, and hypervigilance, that you do nothing to upset them."
3. He avoids conflict at all costs
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Men who grew up with controlling moms often found themselves being silenced. As an adult, he might want to stick up for himself and say what's on his mind. However, due to his people-pleasing tendencies, men with controlling mothers tend to shut down and avoid conflict with everyone.
Struggling with his people-pleasing tendencies, men raised by controlling mothers would rather stay neutral than risk being disliked. And while people-pleasing in men might seem like a rarity, according to a YouGov survey, 44% of men describe themselves as people-pleasers.
4. He seeks approval
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Because many men raised by controlling women tend to become people-pleasers, it's no surprise that they seek approval and validation. Controlling moms have a way of belittling their sons, destroying his self-confidence in the process.
This isn't great, but it's no surprise. Psychologist Barbara Markway said, "Perfectionism is another form of faulty thinking that contributes to low self-confidence. If we believe we have to have something all figured out before we take action, those thoughts can keep us from doing the things we value." Never feeling complete within himself, he seeks it in other people.
5. He struggles to set boundaries
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It isn't easy for a man like this to put his foot down. As much as he tries, controlling mothers have a way of making their sons feel guilty. Whether it's gaslighting or belittling them, they hurt their sons intentionally. And as an adult, he likely has a very hard time setting and keeping boundaries with others.
As licensed psychologist Jordan Fiorillo Scotti explained, "Interpersonal boundaries determine how much contact we have with other people, what types of contact we have with them, how much we give and how much we ask for in our relationships, how much time we make for people, and how much time we reserve for ourselves. Boundaries aren't static, so creating and maintaining them is always a work in progress. But when we find ourselves feeling weary, burnt out, resentful, or angry, chances are we have some work to do on our boundaries."
6. He equates love with control
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Healthy men don't try to be controlling or manipulative for their own benefit. They show empathy and support, and understand that healthy love has its boundaries. For controlling moms, no matter how they try to spin it, not allowing their child to spread their wings and fly is a glaring red flag. And as an adult, he might equate love with control in his relationships, creating a toxic cycle.
As licensed clinical psychologist Ronald Stolberg pointed out, "It is very appropriate for children to want increased independence... By not respecting this, or not offering opportunities to practice this need, children are missing essential opportunities to develop the skills necessary for confidence, self-esteem, and a belief that they can solve their own problems."
7. He feels responsible for managing other people's feelings
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If a man always feels responsible for the feelings of others, he was probably raised by a deeply controlling mom. Because, growing up, he constantly felt overwhelmed, like the world was on his shoulders, and dealing with lots of guilt. As an adult, he typically feels responsible for managing other people's feelings, never having known comfort.
So busy pouring into other people, these men don't know how to think about themselves. And, as mental health counselor Shainna Ali pointed out, their lack of self-care leads can be detrimental, leading to anxiety, anger, and fatigue. If men truly want to be a good support system for others, they need to start by taking care of themselves first.
8. He struggles to be vulnerable
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It's never easy to be vulnerable. No matter how much people claim that vulnerability is effortless, those who grew up differently don't have the same perspective. It's not like a man with a controlling mom wants to freeze up, it's just how he learned to cope as a child.
Due to his mother's carelessness, feeling safe enough to connect seems impossible, so he hides his emotions. While he thinks he's playing it smart, it only works for so long. Because, according to a study published in Journal of Counseling Psychology, there's a link between hiding your emotions and lower well-being.
9. He apologizes excessively
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If there's one thing a controlling mother loves to do, it's make their son feel guilty. From criticizing his every move to making him feel small, deep down he knows that apologizing excessively won't get him anywhere. Not only does it become meaningless, but over-apologizing can quickly burn out even the strongest of men.
It goes without saying, but if a man has these frustrating habits, he was probably raised by a deeply controlling mom. So caught up in worrying about others, he doesn't have time to look after his own mental health, choosing instead to put all the responsibility on himself.
10. He has a hard time relaxing
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Controlling moms don't understand how domineering they can be. So caught up in their own thoughts and feelings, they put unrealistic expectations on their son. Most of these men live in survival mode, and due to their demanding environment, they don't know how to rest.
Unfortunately, a lack of sleep and rest can do major damage. According to a 2018 study, insufficient sleep can cause fatigue, tiredness, and even intellectual troubles as a result. So, while a mom may think she has won, her son is the one suffering.
11. He struggles to identify what he actually wants
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It's not that these men don't want to learn how to be vulnerable, they just don't know how to live for themselves. So busy taking care of others, he doesn't know what it means to figure out his purpose and what he desires most. Most men with controlling mothers don't have a solid sense of identity.
Scared of the criticism, these men shut down and camouflage themselves. However, as a study published in the Journal of Personality pointed out, authenticity leads to greater well-being. For men like this, it's crucial to seek professional help; otherwise, he might never know who he truly is.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.
