12 Life Lessons You Only Learn Once You've Become A Divorced Mom
Unless you're a single mom going through divorce, you don't know the struggle.
Inside Creative House | Shutterstock When women become divorced moms — meaning they have ended a marriage and still have to manage childcare and co-parenting — many people don't quite understand that new reality. Unless someone has lived a life like this, everything they believe they know is all speculation.
But there are life lessons you only learn once you've become a divorced mom, and those lessons are meant to lift you up, make you a better parent and person, and give you strength to move forward. Because a divorce doesn't mean you're a failure, it's just another opportunity to come to terms with this new life.
Here are 12 life lessons you only learn once you've become a divorced mom
1. It's easier to go it alone than with an unsupportive partner
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When you have a partner you can't rely on, you spend a lot of energy negotiating with them, arguing with them, having a lot of feelings about them, and trying not to feel completely let down. It's hard to do it all alone, but you were doing it alone anyway, and at least now you don't resent anyone for not helping.
The effects of divorce on children have long been studied, negatively impacting their mental health along the way. But when you no longer have to worry about the other parent contributing, you can focus on raising your children without conflict.
2. Intense loneliness can be crippling
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One of the harshest life lessons you only learn once you've become a divorced mom is that loneliness can feel like the end of the world. A lot of the time, you'll be happy, but there's always that lonely feeling in the back of your mind.
Whether it's going to another function alone or as the third wheel, or when you bring a friend but have no one to fold into during the slow song, the loneliness is there. And this is different from the loneliness you felt before marriage, because it's served up with a massive helping of "it wasn't supposed to be like this."
3. Being alone is also liberating
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After divorce, you can be lonely, but also happy to be alone. That's all there is to it. It's strange and also true. Loneliness passes, but the joy of being free of a broken relationship never does.
As life transitions coach Lisa L. Payne explained, "Seeing this major life transition as an opportunity for growth and the creation of a new life that excites you is empowering. When you begin to move through the fear and embrace what's possible, you will open doors you never even knew existed."
4. You always feel tired
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Parenting after a divorce is not only tiring, but likely extremely exhausting — it's one of the life lessons you only learn once you've become a divorced mom. You'll feel tired physically, mentally, emotionally, and likely even suffer from parental burnout, which is a result of putting all your time and energy into your children, and therefore neglecting your own needs.
You're doing the work of two people with just your own self, and the work is never done. Parenting is hard and, without backup, is superhuman. That's why it's so important to practice self-care, whether it's reading a book, taking a hot bath, or putting on a movie for your child while you take a power nap.
5. You are your own cheerleader
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That metaphor of the oxygen mask on the airplane is the key to survival here. Because we would all have meltdowns if we didn't find small ways to show ourselves love. After all, there's no one else to do it for us, especially after losing a partner who is supposed to emotionally support you.
Nobody is going to tell you to sleep in or send you to the spa; you have to have your own back. It's the ultimate lesson in being kind to yourself.
6. Free time feels bittersweet
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Married friends often remark on how great it must be to have kid-free time. And it is. It's great. But it also sucks. There's a huge portion of their lives that you don't get to participate in anymore. Imagine that for a minute: half your kids' lives, a near-mystery.
One big reason you stay so busy with fun plans when your kids are gone is so you don't think too much about the fact that your kids are gone. There's also the guilt that comes with enjoying yourself without your kids, as humans are designed to be social, as parenting expert Alyson Schafer pointed out.
7. Spending holidays alone is sad
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Few things will rip your heart into pieces like your first significant holiday without your children. It's surreal and deeply depressing, especially if it hasn't occurred to anyone in your friend or family circle to extend an invitation to you.
It doesn't get much easier as time goes on, but you get better at making plans. And according to licensed clinical social worker Terry Gaspard, you absolutely can survive. She suggests treating yourself kindly, staying positive, not putting your kids in the middle, and creating new holiday memories and traditions you can cherish.
8. Things can be complicated, even with a great ex
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All that history and all those complex feelings can be so very raw, even when you've done the work to heal and move on. No matter how much time has passed, you may still think about how you thought you would spend your lives together, and then something changed.
That's heavy stuff for lighthearted pleasantries at kid exchanges, even if your ex is a wonderful co-parent. But it's one of the harsher life lessons you only learn once you've become a divorced mom. And that means you should never hold those feelings against yourself.
9. You need to learn to let go
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If there is one lesson you learn as a divorced mom, it's to let things go. Don't like the way your ex parents? Not much you can do about it. Dinner came from the freezer or the drive-through? Hey, at least there was dinner. Messy house? Bad date? Life gone off course? Breathe through it and let it go.
At the end of the day, everything is going to be okay. And as mental health experts from Beyond Healing Counseling revealed, "Letting go empowers you to streamline your life, making it easier to concentrate on personal growth, career advancement, or other areas where you want to excel. By clearing out the noise, you create a direct path to success."
10. You appreciate parental love from non-parents
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Few things will melt a divorced parent like seeing a person step up and open their heart to someone else's kids. Parenting is daunting but knowing that there are people who have no obligation to take it on but do it anyway is something that can bring joy.
When other parents show your own kids love, your heart becomes a puddle of hope and relief and tenderness, thinking maybe one day you could be loved like that, too.
11. You feel powerful
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When you're fully in charge and you've got it handled, when the bills are paid because you paid them, and the money is in the bank because you earned it, it really does feel like winning, in the most real sense of the word.
Not only is it entirely possible to reinvent yourself for the better after divorce, but you can feel incredibly powerful doing it. You know what you're capable of and can always take on more than you think. So, give yourself some grace.
12. You know the fairy tale doesn't exist — and that's OK
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Life has made it abundantly clear that there's no Prince Charming and nobody is going to whisk you away to live out your days in a castle. Your story might not be tidy or traditional, but it's interesting and empowering.
When you become a divorced mom, remember that you're the hero of your own story, and that's something you'd rather teach your kids anyway.
Gwen Hutchings is a writer, content strategist, and editor. She works with multiple brands, including Sundance Catalog, Madly Wish, Redmond Minerals, and Single Dad Laughing.
