Kids Raised By Emotionally Disappointing Parents Usually Carry 8 Habits Into Adulthood
Viktoriya Pavliuk / Shutterstock Emotional regulation isn’t something everyone learns automatically. Children have to be taught how to do it, and that can’t really happen effectively when their parents don’t have control of their own emotions.
When a child is raised in a home where their parents are constantly disappointing them, they often develop a number of behaviors meant to serve as coping mechanisms. If they don't address their feelings with some deep inner work, those habits stick with them throughout their lives.
Kids who were raised by emotionally disappointing parents often carry these habits into their adult lives
1. They can’t accept compliments
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Kids whose parents consistently disappointed them emotionally are probably more used to hearing criticism than compliments. Even though one obviously seems better than the other, it can still be uncomfortable if it’s unfamiliar.
Most of us have an easier time accepting compliments that we believe to be true. If someone’s self-esteem took a major hit because of their parents, the things other people say to praise them won’t feel like the boost they’re meant to be.
2. They never say how they’re really feeling
In our culture, asking how people are doing is more reflex than sincere inquiry. Most people respond automatically as well, but some people are quick to say something positive because they learned early on that it was better to always be fine.
It doesn’t take much for parents to teach their kids that their emotions are unacceptable, so they should do what it takes to suppress them. Of course, suppression comes with serious consequences, so the temporary relief isn’t worth it.
3. They act like their accomplishments don’t matter
Some kids are raised by parents who celebrate their success no matter how old they are. Others never do enough to meet the impossible standards their parents set, so they stop trying.
This is a pattern they can continue on their own by acting like their accomplishments aren’t important. They would never treat someone else that way, but they seem to be operating by a different set of rules.
4. They don’t trust anyone
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Everyone forms their individual attitudes about trust when they’re young. If the people they were supposed to be able to trust let them down when they were just kids, that doesn’t bode very well for their future.
That’s not something that just goes away, even if those people aren’t in their life anymore. Learning not to trust others during childhood is a pattern that sticks with people. Unfortunately, this will make it hard for them to have any healthy relationships at all.
5. They become hyper-independent
People have to be able to rely on themselves to some extent, but they also can’t expect to make it through life without any help at all. That’s exactly what kids whose parents were emotionally disappointing try to do as adults, though.
Growing up with parents who refused to help them taught them that it’s better to just do things on their own. This leads to an unhealthy level of hyper-independence that isn’t sustainable. Chances are they’ll have to find that out the hard way.
6. They think boundaries are selfish
We all need to set boundaries so the people in our lives know what’s expected of them and what they can expect from us in return. The problem is that incompetent parents have unrealistic expectations that turn their kids into people-pleasers.
These kids become adults who think boundaries are selfish. They don’t set them because they think it’s fine for people to have constant access to them. That’s how they grew up, so why should they do anything different now?
7. They try to take up as little space as possible
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There are a lot of reasons someone might try to shrink themselves to avoid taking up space. One of the most common is being raised by parents whose emotions were so unstable that they took up all of the space and didn’t leave any for their children.
That forces kids to compartmentalize their own feelings so they can prioritize their parents' needs. It’s not a healthy way to get through childhood, and it comes with long-lasting consequences, but it feels necessary to survive.
8. They feel uncomfortable with stability
It goes against all logic, but some people actually feel better when their lives are full of chaos. A traumatic past actually rewires people’s brains in a way that makes them crave more of the volatility they’re used to.
This has a big impact on their future relationships. Instead of recognizing a connection as safe and healthy, they’ll feel like they should pull away because that’s not what feels comfortable. That’s how the trauma becomes a cycle they can’t leave.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
