6 Ways To Deal With A Child's Defiance, Meltdowns And Anxiety, So They Grow Up Confident And Happy
Respond with intention to raise emotionally intelligent, happy humans.
GlobalStock | Canva According to educator and parenting expert Alyssa Blask Campbell, every kid needs something different when it comes to dealing with their big feelings. One kid might need a physical way to calm, like fidgeting or rocking on a wobbly chair, while another needs to verbally express and then hug it out. All options for emotional regulation are valid if you take the time to connect. The key? To know what works for your kid.
Campbell is an emotional development expert who has co-created the Collaborative Emotion Processing Method and author of Big Kids, Bigger Feelings. She joined Getting Open with Andrea Miller to share her system for helping adults stay connected while guiding their kids toward a happy, healthy future.
Campbell’s Collaborative Emotion Processing (CEP) method teaches you how to work with your children to help them understand how they are feeling. That way, they can learn to process their big emotions in healthy ways. It sounds like it should be simple, but when it comes to kids, there is no one-size-fits-all solution!
6 ways to deal with a kid's defiance, meltdowns & anxiety so kids grow up confident and happy:
1. Learn how they receive connection
Kids don't usually recognize what they need to connect, so an adult needs to be aware of the emotional details in every interaction with a child.
Ask yourself:
- Who are they?
- What drains their nervous system?
- What recharges their nervous system?
- What's their unique way to connect?
- How do you connect with that unique child?
2. Do your own work to know yourself and your kid
Being able to connect with your child requires you to be emotionally in tune.
You need to be present enough to recognize the way their bodies process emotions. You can try to follow the rules of parenting, but you have to be ready to separate your bias and emotional reactions from theirs. This is the only way to know if you are helping, harming, or doing nothing. If the rules don't work, you have to try something else.
It is not as difficult as it might sound at first, since you can take a quiz to see how you and your kid regulate emotional sensitivities. Campbell worked with a group of occupational therapists to put together a questionnaire that helps you understand your kid's unique nervous system. The cool thing is, the questions work for any age, kid or adult! You can go to the free quiz at seedquiz.com.
We are all sensitive to some experiences and drained by others. Once you know your sensitivities and your child's, the knowledge can show you how to be a better guide for your kids
3. Plan to be activated by your child, so you manage it better
You have to build self-awareness so you can notice "as a volcano is building". To build self-awareness, you need self-control. You need to be in a regulated state, and regulated doesn't mean calm necessarily. It means your nervous system can access that part of your brain. As Campbell states, "You can't regulate what you are not aware of."
Instead of trying to regulate after being emotionally reactive, you have to learn to recognize, as the emotions are gathering in the nervous system, how the volcano is building before it erupts in anger.
4. Help your kid notice when the 'volcano is building' for them, too
You can help your kid decode their behavior so they can understand why they feel how they do, and why they react the way they do. By teaching and modeling this self-awareness. They can grow up with a sense of emotional awareness without judgment.
"Get curious, not furious," as the authors of Talk To Your Boys told Andrea in a previous podcast. Ask, "Why are you feeling this way? Why am I reacting this way?" But above all else, do not judge them for what they are saying or feeling. Listen to them completely first.
5. Make a plan of action for when you're feeling dysregulated
You know a human being will feel emotionally charged at times. It's the responsibility of the parent to do their very best not to react to a child from a position of emotional dysregulation.
A parent needs to avoid the weird, robotic responses that are often modeled on social media. You can admit your feelings to a child in a controlled way while using an authentic voice without shouting or being unkind. This requires honesty with yourself and your child.
Remember you are human:
- You are going to have hard feelings
- You are going to be disregarded
- You can't do all the right things every time
- Humans are meant to cycle from regulation to dysregulation throughout the day
- You can access enough emotional regulation to respond honestly
- It is OK to say, "Hey, that isn't helping right now."
You have to expect the same with your kids. When they are angry, they are not going to have the regulation skills to stay polite and calm. They are going to express anger and frustration, and as a parent, you need to model a regulated response. A big part of that regulated response is not judging what your kid is expressing.
6. Stay connected
Parents need to maintain structure in their kids' lives. Structure and reliability help kids feel safe.
When one or both of you become dysregulated, you are likely to react in a less-than-desirable way. It is crucial to have a good connection with them, regardless of the method your child uses to regulate emotion. A good connection allows apologies and repairs to be made and trusted.
We're all human and humans make mistakes. As long as the connection is there, you can process, learn, and grow together.
Will Curtis is YourTango's expert editor. Will has over 14 years of experience as an editor covering relationships, spirituality, and human interest topics.
