High-IQ Parents Who Do 11 Rare Things Raise Kids Who Are Even Smarter Than They Are
PeopleImages | Shutterstock Parenting is full of ups and downs, but the best parents know that they cannot protect their children forever. Because of this, they prioritize a few rare things in order to raise strong, resilient kids who grow up to be smarter than they are, and probably even more successful.
These high-IQ parents allow themselves to get out of the way of their kids' healthy growth, teaching responsibility and independence from an early age. According to experts, this works best when 11 rare lessons are taught to kids throughout their childhood and teenage years.
High-IQ parents who do 11 rare things raise kids who are even smarter than they are
1. They keep control of their temper
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When parents are feeling overwhelmed, it's easy to allow their emotions to get the best of them. Feeling unheard and utterly frustrated, parents might resort to flying into a screaming match with their child. Unfortunately, screaming and losing your cool, and directing anger towards a child, doesn't work to ease a child's emotions and can, in fact, make things worse.
"While some parents may think that yelling will make their kids listen and behave, it often makes things worse," the American Academy of Pediatrics News reports. Kids who are yelled at experience more behavioral problems later down the road, they insist. After all, "yelling is as hurtful as hitting," the AAP writes
When your child is acting up, it's important to maintain your cool before exploding into a rage. Not only will this prevent problems from occurring with your child, but it also ensures they grow into a strong person.
2. They have high quality conversations
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Many parents don't take time out of their day to really talk to their kids on a truly connected level. Feeling stressed, many parents unintentionally ignore their kids in order to get extra work done or to try and relax.
According to research from Pew Research Center, 39% of full-time working moms and half of full-time working dads admitted to spending too little time with their kids. And while it's understandable that some parents struggle to spend quality time with their children, it prevents parents from creating a strong bond with their child.
High-IQ parents make a point to set aside some time every day to have a real conversation with their children. According to life coach T-Ann Pierce, "Kids who grow up where effective communication is modeled at home are emboldened to get their needs met in healthy ways as adults."
"They grow up more empowered and with greater self-esteem," she explains. "Their relationships and friendships will be easier to navigate. Their work life will be less stressful."
3. They mind their word choice
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When parents rant and rave without ever considering what they're saying in the first place, it can damage a child's self-esteem or make them feel anxious and afraid. Though they may have good intentions, making careless comments impacts a child more than most of us think.
According to parent coach and psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein Ph.D., "Critical comments can erode a child's self-esteem and sense of worth and can cause feelings of sadness, anger, or frustration. These sharply delivered rebukes can also lead to a decrease in children's motivation and a lack of confidence in their abilities."
Instead of using criticism or mean words, find ways to uplift your children instead of tearing them down. To help prevent unnecessary anxiety, keep your adult concerns between yourself and your partner or other trusted fellow grown-ups. When mentioning stressors or your own fears, mind your words and be careful not to stress children unnecessarily.
4. They encourage creativity
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Parents sometimes quell their child's innate creativity or underestimate their talent. When high-IQ parents do this, it's often because they believe their children would be better off studying engineering or practicing mathematics than something wistful. Often, parents are afraid a creative outlet will prevent them from gaining knowledge in school.
As data shows, kids benefit from trying new things, playing with other children and exploring their interests, including creative ones that don't appear, on the surface, to directly benefit their intellect. Limiting that is actually harmful to the child's success in the long-run, as creative play is crucial to their development.
Creativity is a great outlet for kids, too. Not only does it fulfill the need for individualism (identity that isn't directly tied to their immediate family), but it does so in a way that is safe and productive.
5. They give their kids the space to learn and fail
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With helicopter parenting more popular than ever, many parents set strict boundaries and hover over their kids, even while they participate in activities children their age have been doing for ages. Unfortunately, this behavior can limit kids in a number of ways.
According to a research paper from West Virginia University, overprotective parenting is linked to depression and anxiety in children. Overprotective parents also decrease their kids' GPAs. Letting your child "fail" again and again, even though it's difficult, will teach them the importance of learning from mistakes. And that, in turn, will create an intelligent person.
High IQ parents are often just as nervous to let their kids try and fail as others, but they work hard to override those knee-jerk fears so their kids can explore independently in age-appropriate ways. This helps kids develop healthy autonomy and also resilience, that helps put their smarts to good use.
6. They promote independence in their child's day-to-day life
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Independence is essential for the personal development and growth of children and high-IQ parents understand exactly how much it can help their kids become even smarter than themselves. According to licensed clinical psychologist and professor Ronald Stolberg, Ph.D., it's important for kids to solve their own problems, as parents doing it for them will only stunt their growth.
"When parents are involved in every aspect of the child's life, a child misses these invaluable experiences. Developmentally, even elementary school children are ready to take on responsibility and learn from positive and negative consequences of their choices... By not respecting this, or not offering opportunities to practice this need, children are missing essential opportunities to develop the skills necessary for confidence, self-esteem, and a belief that they can solve their own problems," Stolberg wrote.
By giving your child a chance at independence every day, whether it's letting them carry out their chores without a constant reminder, or walking to and from school, a child who is fully confident in themselves will make for a stronger, more intelligent individual.
7. They respect their child's autonomy
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As a parent, it can be difficult to let your kid take the reins and make choices on their own. It's natural to want to protect them, so we often unconsciously prevent our kids from exploring the world on their own, even in age-appropriate ways.
Sometimes parents, without even realizing why, create "mini me" versions of themselves, or at least they try to. While it seems like it's all about their ego (and sometimes it is), it's often because they think this will help their kids succeed or protect them from pain.
High-IQ parents know that letting their kids be different or even rebel (in safe ways) is difficult, but not letting them develop and express their autonomy makes things even harder, especially on your child. It limits their growth and can prevent them from finding out where their passions and gifts lie, which is the foundation of how kids end up smarter than their parents.
8. They create opportunities for responsibility
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As a parent, allowing your kids to gradually take on more responsibility is important for raising strong, highly intelligent kids. It might be overwhelming at first, but teaching your kids how to maintain life balance and deal with stress in a healthy way is a key part of helping kids grow into healthy, happy adults.
Therapist and best-selling author Eli Harwood explains why this is so important, saying, "I want my children to learn how to take care of themselves, others, and the world effectively. To feel a part of the places they work and dwell so they can continue to make the world a better place. It feels good to live responsibly."
If you're not sure where to start, assign your kids chores every day, at age-appropriate levels. It can be something as small as requiring them to keep their room clean or to load the dishwasher; either way, you're teaching them about responsibility.
Another great way to do this is to help them find a team or club to join that piques their interest. It doesn't have to be something they're great at or will do forever, but being on a team means being responsible to your teammates. Whether it's dance, robotics, soccer or reading, showing up and doing your part is important, and that's a key skill that helps kids grow up smarter than their parents.
9. They teach self-reflection
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When a kid does something wrong, parents tend to either ignore it or jump right to punishment. This cuts off a key opportunity for connection that high-IQ parents seize, allowing them to teach their child self-reflection skills.
With the best intentions, people think punishment is the best way to teach their kids values. However, the most effective way to make your kid a better person is by connecting in ways that model empathy while calling the kid in to think about their choices: how they affect others as well as themselves in the long-run.
Dishing out consequences without explaining a kid's wrong-doings simply isn't effective. In fact, a study published in the Canadian Journal of Psychiatry found that consequences or punishments like spanking or hitting aren't effective, and they make a child's behavior worse. Punishments like these also impact a child's mental and physical health in a negative way.
Self-reflection, according to the International Nanny Association, develops stronger emotional intelligence within kids, which can help you raise smart kids who also make their communities (and the world) better.
10. They celebrate effort rather than 'talent'
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When a child scores a high grade in school or contributes to their sports team's win, parents sometimes feel the need to throw elaborate parties or celebrations. It might be intended to celebrate their wins, but, unfortunately, it also teaches kids that the only thing that makes them worthy of praise is a big success.
High-IQ parents know that doing this disregards the hard work and effort a child puts into their work. It may instill in them the idea that winning is everything and that hard work and dedication mean nothing unless it produces a positive outcome.
Instead, celebrate your child's efforts; for example, if you notice they are putting in extra study time, cook their favorite meal for them or reward them with time watching television together afterward. It shows your kid that you see them and their efforts, and that their work is never in vain.
11. They teach and model growth mindset
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High-IQ parents often spend a lot of time figuring out the best way to raise smart kids, meaning they've probably done some research into the psychology of success. For decades now, psychologists like Dr. Carol Dweck and many more have promoted growth mindset, which encourages people to see failure as a key aspect of learning to succeed.
But growth mindset is also about when and how to praise a child and how to handle their set-backs. As one team of researchers explain, "[A]bility praise may lead children to display a helpless response after failure, including more negative self-cognitions and affect, less persistence, and impaired performance..."
Ability praise sounds like, "You're so good at math!" while effort praise sounds like, "I see you working so hard on your math this week, and I am so proud of you for pushing through, even when it's not very fun."
The same researchers write, "[E]ffort praise leads children to focus on the process of work and development of learning skills, leading to greater persistence and good performance after setbacks."
Another key aspect of growth mindset is how parents react when a kid has a setback. As Dweck and the Growth Mindset Institute teach, a parent should not inflate a child's skills or abilities as shallow praise in order to help a child feel better after failure. Instead, try a hopeful bit of reality.
For example, one might say, "I know you feel discouraged about soccer right now, but remember that nobody is born good at corner kicks. They have to work hard at them. And while that may be your weak point right now, someday it may be the thing you're best at."
Not only does this phrasing offer hope and a realistic path forward, it also tells the kid the truth. They know they aren't great at corner kicks right now, and if you said, "I think you're the best on the team!" they simply know you're lying and will learn not to trust you.
That's why smart parents shift from success and inflation praise to effort and growth-related feedback. And their kids benefit from it throughout life.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.
