Boomer & Gen-X Parents Have 6 Irrational Expectations That Make Grown Kids Want To Move Far, Far Away
onebluelight | Canva Once a parent's kids are grown up and out on their own, parents feel they can congratulate themselves for a job well done. They successfully parented a real human person who is now free to explore the world to make their own choices and discoveries.
However, if boomer and Gen X parents expect their grown children to be exactly like them and make the same life choices, they may have missed the point of the whole parenting thing. Sadly, this means their kids often crave space, both physical and emotional.
Boomers and Gen-X parents have these irrational expectations that make their grown kids want to move away:
1. To live their lives the same way their parents do
One thing parents should stop expecting from their grown children, no matter what, is to live their lives according to the parent's expectations, says relationship coach Sidhharrth S. Kumaar. Too often, this pushes them away, as young adults naturally feel a drive to carve their own path in life.
Allowing your grown children to live their lives on their own terms fosters better relationship dynamics in the world. You don't have to understand this path to show up for them and give them support and unconditional love.
2. To share their parents' opinions, politics and values
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Dr. Gloria Brame, a psychologist, explains that parents should not expect their adult children to share their opinions or make the same life choices. Parents who insist their kids act like their clones instead of independent-minded adults often end up alienating them.
No adult wants to be lectured, nagged, or criticized, even adults that are your own children.
Insisting today's generation behaves like former generations isn't just unrealistic, it's impossible because they grew up in a different world with different values. Learning to respect your grown kids' feelings and supporting their choices, even when they clash with yours, will not change them. It will only drive them away from you.
3. To continue every family tradition the way their parents did
Parents should stop expecting family traditions to automatically continue as-is, explains editor and mom Andrea Zimmerman. "As grown children age and start families of our own, many of us are interested in creating new family traditions, which may or may not interfere with ones we experienced in our childhoods," Zimmerman explains.
Maybe in the past, you'd all go to one person's house for Christmas Eve, but as new families form, they may want to create their holiday traditions with their more immediate families. Parents should expect traditions to evolve as their grown kids age and see it as a natural progression rather than take it as an affront, and if they're included or have ideas for said new traditions, even better.
4. To make their parents their #1 priority
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"Be available for Christmas Day," as the reigning edict for adult kids is something life coach LouLou Palmer has seen become a major problem.
"This can be such a huge bone of contention in a relationship," she told YourTango. In her life, "this led to the annual argument of who's turn is it this year, shortly followed by the upsetting of the parents of whoever turned it was to miss out."
No holiday would be the same without the guilt trip of the parent you've let down. So, by the time the day comes, you can't wait for it all to be over. "Guilting your grown kids out about the holidays should be globally banned," she asserted, and we have to agree!
When kids grow up, they will likely form their own families with their partners, in-laws and, eventually, kids. Prioritizing their own parents for holidays or even just casual hang-outs when called upon can cause them to set aside their own needs and the needs of their new core circle of loved ones, and that only grows resentment over time.
5. Endless, undying gratitude
Astrology expert and writer Aria Gmitter feels parents should stop expecting gratitude from their children to come in the form of reciprocal love and support.
Of course, we want our children to be there for us and thankful for the effort we made to raise them, but when they aren’t and it disappoints our expectations, it’s not that we have failed as parents. To expect something in return for our investment is a form of entitlement, which creates an inauthentic relationship.
Gratitude, when forced, isn't really gratitude at all. Worse, it often causes adult kids to repress their pain and hold back talking through problems.
6. To be taken care of when they get older
Gmitter continues, when you raise a child you’re raising someone whom you expect will make their own decisions. Sometimes parents may feel an adult child should or must do certain things, like take care of them when they get older, whether physically or financially. But it is up to that person as an adult and individual to decide who and what they can invest their time and resources.
Raising children to adulthood is no easy task, and raising them to be capable of making choices and exploring the world in a way safe and beneficial to them is even more of a challenge. Losing the control a parent has can be upsetting since it requires unraveling a lifelong habit of being there for your children.
However, if you have grown children who are not the same as you, are making their own life choices, and experiencing a life of discovery, you did a great job and can finally relax the need for control.
Will Curtis is YourTango's expert editor. Will has over 14 years of experience as an editor covering relationships, spirituality, and human interest topics.
