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Like, never ever.
By Todd Creager — Written on Nov 10, 2017
As much as I like to talk about what you can do to have a phenomenal intimate relationship, it is also helpful to look at what you don’t want to do if you want that rewarding intimate experience in a long-term relationship.
Let’s face it, for anything we want to get better at, we need role models. If you want to be a pianist, you take piano lessons. If you want to be a good skier, you take ski lessons. If you want to be a doctor, you go to medical school If you want to be an effective partner and create a passionate, healthy relationship, you have your parents (uh oh).
This is not about blaming parents; they did what they knew and they did what they observed from their parents. We learned some bad habits from our biological tribe and it shows up often in our intimate relationships.
Of course, it is not just about what we learned from our family. We all have our own automatic defensive or reactive natures that could lead us down a painful relationship path.
It takes some effort and work to go against the gravitational pull of these impulsive, defensive reactions. It also takes some energy and focus to lift the energy of a relationship that has begun to go stale.
Here are my top 5 things people DON'T do in healthy relationships:
1. They don't go with their first reaction when their partner has a complaint about them.
It will probably be defensive and unhelpful. It is better to take a few breaths and look for any validity or truth in what your partner is confronting you about. Focus on that and be empathetic.
2. They don't judge the relationship as bad or not worth it if they're going through some tough times.
All long-term relationships go through tough times and it is when you develop the emotional muscle through those tough times that the relationship can get really good!
3. They don't let themselves be busy all the time, with no downtime.
People that are always pushing themselves, not saying no to social requests or even their children every once in a while, burn themselves out.
The partner becomes a last resort and over time, this relationship can develop into a roommate situation as opposed to being two lovers.
4. They don't stay in judgment about their spouse.
Practice focusing on why you liked your partner in the first place. Remember your initial attraction. Look for all the things your partner does to show love and effort when it comes to your marriage and family.
You do not need to suppress your negative feelings and opinions; just focus more on the reasons you and others like your spouse.
5. They don't avoid sex or do the same thing in sex over and over again.
If you are not enjoying your sexual relationship on some consistent basis, get some assistance and see what the situation, as well as internal blocks, require so you can have more pleasure in the bedroom (or kitchen or anywhere else in the house).
Look over this list and take an honest look at your behavior and I would strongly suggest making decisions that focus on one thing at a time to change. Experimenting with new ways of doing and thinking can do wonders for your intimate connection.
Todd Creager is an expert in relationships. For over 30 years, he has worked as a relationship therapist, specializing in marriage, sex and couples counseling.
This article was originally published at Todd Creager's website. Reprinted with permission from the author.