People Who Seem Immune To Feeling Shame Usually Live By These 8 Principles

Don't let shame hold you back.

Last updated on Mar 25, 2020

Person who is immune to feeling shame. Toa Heftiba | Unsplash
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We live in a shame culture that attacks our confidence on a daily basis. Because of this we often feel flawed, unlovable, and unworthy. But the best way to overcome shame is to understand how to be more confident and then use it to your advantage.

Shame is the dark demon in our closet — the monster under our beds. It prowls everywhere: at work, in our families, at school, on the Internet. Shame uses our appearance, gender, sexual orientation, religious beliefs, financial status, addictions and age against us to tear us down. It has no limits or boundaries.  

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Shame hurts our self-esteem. Not only emotionally, but also physically. According to Guy Winch, Ph.D., author of Emotional First Aid: Healing Rejection, Guilt, Failure and Other Everyday Hurts, rejection and physical pain are so entwined that when research participants were given Tylenol before beginning a rejection experiment, they experienced less intense feelings than the participants who did not receive Tylenol.

Chronic shame also damages health and can lead to heart disease, digestive illnesses, immune disorders, and migraines, as well as a host of mental and mood disorders. Therefore, it's in our best interest to have an emotional first aid kit and know how to be confident when that monster rears its ugly head. 

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People who seem immune to feeling shame usually live by these 8 principles:

1. Recognize your personal shame response and identify your triggers

woman who is immune to feeling shame recognizing personal shame response fizkes / Shutterstock

The "shame response" is a chemical and electrical reaction in your body to the meanings we attach to our experiences. A trigger for me is not necessarily a trigger to you. 

For some of us, appearance is a trigger; for others, it's guilt around parenting. Know in advance what stirs up shame for you.

RELATED: How I Quit Shame Cold-Turkey

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2. Reach out to someone you trust

woman who is immune to feeling shame reaching out to someone she trusts Chay_Tee / Shutterstock

Notable shame researcher, speaker, and author Brené Brown says to only share with someone who has "earned the right to hear our stories" — someone who offers empathy while being honest. This is one of the most important shame resilience tools we have because empathy heals shame.  

So, make a list of the people whose opinions you value (and trust) and carry this list with you. The next time your shame sneaks up on you and takes your breath (and your confidence) away, call someone on the list, as soon as possible. 

RELATED: Highly Intelligent People Usually Feel A Specific Type Of Shame That Makes Them More Lonely

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3. Get a bear hug

woman who is immune to shame getting a bear hug fizkes / Shutterstock

Why a bear hug? Neuroeconomist Paul Zak reports that full body hugs of 20 seconds or more encourage the release of oxytocin, the "connection" hormone.

Psychologist Matthew Hertenstein adds, "Stimulating touch receptors under the skin can lower blood pressure and cortisol levels, effectively reducing stress." Shame increases stress, while hugs decrease it.

RELATED: 9 Subtle Traits Of People Who Lack Self-Respect, Even If They Don't Realize It

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4. Repeat a mantra to yourself

woman who is immune to shame repeating mantras Perfect Wave / Shutterstock

Shame and humiliation trigger a primal survival response and when this happens, the rational part of our brain usually shuts down. A mantra refocuses your mind, reminding you to act instead of react. Pick a mantra that resonates with you.

Here are a few of my favorite mantras:

  • "Action is the antidote to despair." —Joan Baez
  • "If you give your fear legs, it will run away with your dreams." —L. Collins
  • "Excellence does not require perfection." —Henry James

Mantras are easy to use. Carry one with you (in your wallet or purse) or record it on your phone. Choose one as a screen saver for your computer. Write one on your bathroom mirror where you'll see it every day. 

Type a mantra on pretty paper and frame it for your office desk. Turn a mantra into your laptop password. The important thing is to keep it readily available so you can see it when needed.

RELATED: How To Identify, Heal & Banish Your Deepest Shame

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5. Create and practice a 'shame recovery' ritual

woman who is immune to feeling shame with a shame recovery ritual Prostock-studio / Shutterstock

Peter A. Levine, Ph.D. found that movement is essential to recovering from a stress response. So, create a fun playlist of recovery anthems on your smartphone such as: Taylor Swift's "Shake it Off," Kelly Clarkson's "Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)," Katy Perry's "Roar," and Sara Bareilles' "Brave."

Whatever song lifts you up, crank up the music and dance, walk, run, or spin any lingering bad energy away. 

RELATED: People Who Learn To Master These 7 Tricky Emotions Tend To Be The Mentally Toughest, According To Psychology

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6. Create a vision board for your goals and dreams

woman who is immune to shame creating vision board New Africa / Shutterstock

Though shame and humiliation hurt in the moment, you (and your life) still going places! A vision board is a collage of images representing your values and future goals. This visual reminder helps center you during a stressful situation.

A great example of the power of a vision board is in the movie The Gabby Douglas Story. Her family's vision board helps restore Gabby's confidence after a major disappointment. 

RELATED: How To Calm Your Own Emotions In 60 Seconds Or Less

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7. Practice 'power posing'

woman who is immune to feeling shame practicing power pose Stock 4you / Shutterstock

"What is a power pose," you ask? It's standing like "Wonder Woman" or "Super Man" — making like a super hero for two minutes. Amy Cuddy, Ph.D. researches discrimination and stereotyping. She found that power posing lowered cortisol (a stress hormone) and increased testosterone (a confidence boosting hormone).

Students that struck a power pose before going through a rigorous job interview, reported feeling more confident. So follow your Mom's advice: stand tall, keep your shoulders back, and sit straight at your desk. You'll feel better and restore your confidence more quickly.

RELATED: 4 Tiny Habits That Will Make You More Emotionally Balanced Than 98% Of People

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8. Own your story

woman who is immune to feeling shame owning her story insta_photos / Shutterstock

One of my favorite Brené Brown quotes states, "Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we will ever do." 

To recover your confidence after experiencing shame, you must own your story — all of it. It is only by facing the parts that frighten you most that you realize you are enough.

Once you rebound from this shame attack, know that shame or humiliation will likely circle back around and try to kick your butt again at some point in your life. But hold your head up high, because now you know how to meet that monster head on and wrestle it back into place.

Monica Lewinsky, Oprah Winfrey and Lizzie Velásquez are women who claimed their stories and now share their hard-won wisdom — inspiring others with their courage. Follow their example and reclaim your confidence by grooving to your playlist, asking for hugs, owning your story, and loving yourself. 

RELATED: 10 Behaviors Of The Most Naturally Confident And Respected People, According To Psychology

Terry Chapman is a licensed independent clinical social worker specializing in the treatment of depression, anxiety and trauma related issues. She works with individuals coping with grief and loss, life stage challenges, and ethnic issues.

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