How To Be Friends With Someone You're Attracted To

We can't always get what we want.

By Sidhharrth S Kumaar — Written on Jan 28, 2022

Photo: Getty

young couple at party against pink floral background, laughing, her hand on his arm

Are you attracted to a friend or colleague — someone you know you cannot be with and would never want to make uncomfortable?

It's a common problem, and your feelings are natural. But it's not always easy to know what to do when you are in that position.

Before we break this down, please remember that you need to be honest and truthful while starting any relationship.

If you only want to be romantic or intimate with someone — not just friends or coworkers — then you should not try to build a friendship with them.

That would be dishonest and would likely lead to problems.

Things go south when you come on too strong to someone you're attracted to and want to be friends with in order to know them better. It can easily make the other person uncomfortable, and you should avoid that the best you can.

Here are 8 ways to keep your cool when you're attracted to a friend:

1. For starters, don't sweat it.

It's natural, even usual, to be attracted to a friend. After all, you wouldn't be friends with them if you weren't compatible with them and didn't think they were terrific, right? The goal is to be calm and not be thrown off by the sensation.

The fact that you're attracted to someone is entirely normal. It doesn't refer to your friendship with them. It doesn't imply that you must take action. It is what it is.

It may appear that forcing it away is the best option; nevertheless, this is a mistake. Trying to push an emotion or experience down the memory hole serves to bring it back to the forefront of your thoughts.

2. Allow it to be instead of attempting to push it away.

Don't think about it too much, but don't ignore it either. Acknowledge your feelings and move forward.

As long as you aren't making your attraction a huge issue, you will have plenty going on in your life to keep your mind occupied.

3. Maintain a regular demeanor.

Bringing your sentiments to the forefront of your friendship forces your friend to cope with something that isn't their problem. Setting some self-boundaries is a part of being merely friends with someone you're attracted to.

Flirting with them (if you don't already have a flirty friendship), disparaging her relationships with people who aren't you, making joking-but-not-true comments about the two of you as a couple, or doing things like the too-long-and-now-it's-awkward full-body hug are all ways to make your issue theirs.

4. Should you bring it up?

That, of course, is contingent on several factors. No, you shouldn't date someone if they're dating someone else or otherwise in a monogamous relationship. The same applies if you are in a work setting where it would be inappropriate or even potentially exploitive.

It's not fair to put someone in a situation where they have to decline your request and risk hurting your feelings.

Have they given you any indications that they want to be more than friends? Is it possible for you not to take rejection personally and let it go if they reject you without affecting your friendship?

Then you might be able to approach the subject with caution. No, if you don't want to risk it. Please keep it to yourself and let things take their course.

5. Don't stress!

Not stressing about your feelings not only allows you to enjoy your friendship but also allows you to be open to meeting someone who is romantically appropriate for you.

6. Don't hookup with them, even casually.

Don't indulge in any sexual activity. It's hard to return to a platonic friendship once the connection becomes sexual. It might ruin your company and create awkwardness soon.

Keep one-on-one meetings to a minimum. Bring other people with you to events. Don't be alone with them.

7. Don't text them personally when it can be avoided.

Advisably, text-only via group chats.

You have to be clear about where you stand with the person you are attracted to and define the kind of relationship you both share.

Share your set of limits with this individual and make sure they adhere to them as well.

You must avoid getting too comfortable with that person.

8. Don't bad-mouth their partner.

Don't disparage your friend's partner if they are currently in a relationship (or married).

There are many reasons for this. First, it's disrespectful. Second, it's unlikely to make your friend fall in love with you.

Third, if your friend ever did become single some day and a healthy, mutually-available situation arose between the two of you, your unkind words may already have eroded trust between you.