How To Date A Gay Man

How To Date A Gay Man

There’s a funny thing that happens on the way to being one ever taught a man how to date a man. Ooops! Think of it like seeing a shirtless Ryan Reynolds, three stories high on a billboard in Times Square. You’re mesmerized by his perked-up pecs, adorable smile, and drawn to a vision of running your hands through his perfectly coifed hair. Spellbound beyond logic, you step forward, fully believing this is your moment and Ryan is yours to be had. In the blink of an eye, reality slaps you in the face, you trip off the curb, land on your bubble butt, and narrowly miss being obliterated by an infamous New York Taxi.

Similarly, after you finally admit that you’re more attracted to balls rather than vagina, you find yourself on a date with a guy. It seems to be going great. Soon you’re entangled in the fantasies of cuddling on your jointly purchased Mitchell Gold sofa, sipping Red Bull and Vodka, and watching Houseboys of Orange County. Suddenly, that hunk of testosterone that just moments ago was the epitome of “Harry and Larry Ever After” fantasy, turns to you and says, “You’re sweet but not my kind of treat!” BAM! You trip, grasping desperately to make sense and sensibility out of the pink slip of “terminated love.” Like so many that have trekked before you, you’re suddenly adrift in a sea of conflicting masculine and feminine energies. Do you step into your “manly man energy” or go to your "compassionate mother within?" Either way, the direction you take is no less confusing than the first time you felt your groin stir at the sight of a hot guy. In fact, the question you may be asking yourself is more than likely the same, “What the #*&$ just happened?” It’s the age-old question that has plagued the broken-hearted since the beginning of time. The only difference is, you're a man who's just been burned by a man you desired, and now you’re questioning your masculinity; at the same time, your inner diva’s demanding answers. Don’t fret, oh ye of taking the path less traveled. Answers await those who continue to read.

5 Tips On How To Date A Gay Man

  • Embrace Your Masculine & Feminine – Regardless of what role or position you play in the man-on-man dating scene, you’ve got to go where no man’s gone before – or at least go where you’ve not gone before. Dig into yourself and truly own both aspects of you – your masculine and feminine. The magical mystery tour that unfolds in this exploration is the discovery of who you are and what you want in another guy from both your masculine and feminine perspectives. If you want a compassionate caretaker, then go get one. Finding yourself more of an “I lead, you follow” dominant type, then own it, but own it in a manner that makes your potential relationships work.
  • Repeat After Me, “Men Are Boys!” – I’m not knocking my gender, nor am I generalizing gay men, but let’s get real. Men are just boys with bigger toys. Even the most evolved men -- you know those highly aware and conscious guys -- retreat into thumping their chests and marking their territories from time to time. It’s a dominate characteristic of most men, and the sooner you embrace it, go with it, and see it in yourself, the easier it will be to thrive in an intimate relationship with the man/boy you’re chasing. It’s true, men will also be boys, and men will be men. It’s up to you how you respond and step into relationship with this reality.
  • Men Say What You Want To Hear...Mostly – Ask any woman who’s dated men. One of the biggest challenges they face is finding a straight shooting man. Before you go all Sasha Fierce on me, think about it and look at yourself. How many times a day do you waffle around, avoid being vulnerable, and only say what you think someone wants to hear? Yep, I see you nodding, even though you don’t want to admit that it’s true. Now that we clearly see our stuff, let’s change the paradigm. Step into a space that at first may cause your dates to run, and make you want to crawl under the table because your vulnerability just got served up. Be honest, be your authentic self, and say what you want to say, not what you think he wants to hear. In the blissful end, you will land the man that you don’t yet realize you’re supposed to be with.
  • Admit It’s Not That Different – Regardless of what you think, very few who’ve come through the closet doors rarely do so without having had some dating experience. Granted, it was with a female, usually stemming from a need to hide their truth, be accepted by the guys, or play into a limiting belief of “This too shall pass.” Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on your vantage point, the experience gave you dating and relational experience. In those moments of “false dating," you still learned the basics, and the basics still apply. Your heart will race and get broken. There’ll be times you’re more into them then they are you. And yes, it is a universal truth, sometimes the appetizer tastes great but the main course just doesn’t fill you up. So before you go all “Gay Pride” on the dating scene and scream “It’s completely different for gay men," take a step back and ask yourself, “Is it really that different?”
  • The Candy Store Has Many Flavors To Enjoy, So Enjoy! – It’s not surprising to see gay men travel one of two common paths in the dating scene. Ironically, extremism on both paths seems to be the de facto standard. Path #1 - Gay men are either so driven to sample as many flavors as possible in the candy store of men that they can’t keep up with their own comings and goings, no pun intended. Path #2 -  They deflect and reject before they ever take the chance to inspect the what a guy has to offer behind the external wrapper. So it’s not all that surprising that society labels gay men as “big ho’s” or “commitment-phobic.” Truth be told, taking the middle road of each extreme tends to lead to a more balanced way of being in relationship with self and the hottie behind door #2. Sampling the candy without it leading to a stomachache also enables you to find Mr. Right because you at least tried the candy before rejecting it without a taste.

Getting your feet wet as a gay man in the dating scene is like driving a car. Unless you put your hands on the wheel, the key in the ignition, and your foot on the gas, you’ll never know how the car performs or how good of a driver you can be behind the wheel. Plus, you can never experience anything until you experience something.

Ready to find the truth about why you’re not stepping into the gay dating scene and finding Mr. Right vs. Mr. Right Now? Coming Out Coach Rick works with gay men and men just coming out of the closet, helping them find the courage and confidence to create a powerful sense of self as gay man so they can more fully embrace the lives they desire. For more information please visit