How To Stop Questioning Yourself & Finally Move On With Your Life After A Bad Breakup
You deserve your own trust and respect.
Anna on Unsplash For better or for worse, relationships and marriages are not what they used to be back in the days when people tried to stick it out for whatever seemed like valid reasons.
Staying in a marriage for the sake of the children can be the right decision for some, and maybe not for others. Staying together because of finances is another reason some stay put even in unhappy, dissatisfying circumstances.
Just a few generations ago, it was not so common to listen to your heart about what makes you happy and allow that to be the deciding factor when deciding whether to stay together or to leave a relationship.
But today, many people agree that compromising yourself and your soul is no longer the right answer for everyone.
Of course, listening to your own needs and realizing you’ve been compromising yourself doesn’t necessarily make it any easier to end a relationship, but knowing the right questions to ask yourself can make the process of healing and moving on easier and more productive.
It’s painful to go through any kind of breakup.
Your body and your emotions grow used to having somebody around, even when the relationship isn't ideal. For some, that feeling of not being alone is in and of itself comforting.
Comfort, safety, and certainty drive many human behaviors — not only in relationships.
Because of that, many people stay too long in a relationship. Being on their own seems too scary, and hoping things could get better keeps them going.
Leaving and being left are two vastly different experiences that present different challenges to the healing process.
Usually, being left is more painful because you feel abandoned and rejected. Those feelings can make moving on take a lot longer than if you were the one who left. But either way, it can be an empowering experience to start over again after a breakup, as long as you know how to navigate through this change.
Have you ever asked yourself, "Why did this happen to me?"
Most people ask this from a poor-me mentality.
You'll understandably need some time to heal and lick your wounds, but feeling like a victim is not an empowering position to be in.
You can ask yourself the same basic question in an empowering way by making a subtle shift in language and asking instead, "How did I participate in making this breakup happen?"
Can you feel how this question opens the door for curiosity, allowing you to find your own part and take back your power?
At some point in your life, you need to become aware of the unconscious thoughts controlling decisions throughout your life.
As painful as it may be right now, a breakup is a perfect opportunity to wake up and discover which unconscious limiting beliefs and behaviors kept you in a relationship, compromising and dishonoring your own needs.
Start by asking yourself these three empowering questions (and be sure to write down your answers without editing them or making yourself wrong):
- “What made me stay in my marriage or relationship when I wasn’t all that happy anyway?”
- “How did I participate in making this happen?”
- “How did I ignore my own feelings and needs?”
Asking yourself these questions will allow you to better understand the ways in which you didn’t listen to yourself or were unaware of your own needs and why — and therefore, how you helped create a relationship that didn’t work.
Of course, these questions can be a little scary and may leave you feeling vulnerable if you haven’t looked at these deeper reasons before.
I know from my own experience that it’s not always pretty to look at your own less enlightened behaviors, but look at what avoiding doing so has done to your relationship.
We all need to turn that outward-pointing blaming finger back to ourselves at times, but without the blame.
It's normal to feel a little scared or embarrassed at first as you learn to reclaim your power and confidence as you make lasting changes, so don’t let that stop you.
Make sure to be gentle and kind to yourself when exploring your answers to these questions. They are not meant to blame!
If you ask yourself these questions in a critical, judgmental way, you are likely to feel even worse. Haven’t you beaten up on yourself enough already? This would only defeat the purpose.
The painful feelings you're exploring are what kept you stuck in your relationship in the first place, and you don’t want to repeat that.
Pretend you are a mad scientist conducting research to find out what happens when you do these three things:
- Neglect to listen to your own needs
- Ignore your wish to say no and say yes instead
- Ignore your wish to say yes and say no instead
Take a new approach now and lead with kindness and curiosity. When you do, half the work is already done.
Kindness toward the parts of yourself you previously judged helps soften the edges and allows your to communicate with yourself and discover what you really want.
Decide right now that you'll do your best to be as kind and gentle with yourself as possible. Become your own best friend.
Acknowledge that you did your best at the time.
Now you're about to learn new tools and get insights that will serve you much better in the next phase of your life and, eventually, in a new relationship.
See this as an opportunity to gain clarity and to get to know yourself on a deeper level. Getting to know yourself at these new levels helps empower you to not repeat your past.
It’s OK to laugh at yourself, too. Doing so helps shift your energy, because laughing and judging rarely go hand in hand.
Imagine knowing your needs and what truly matters to you so well you never ignore these vital signs again.
Feeling confident in your knowledge of what matters most to you happens naturally when you learn to listen to yourself without judgment.
When you go through a breakup, you have the opportunity to take charge of your life and set new criteria for what you want. It’s an unfolding of a new you.
In the process of realizing that your values and aspirations matter, you will experience a deepening sense of peace and joy that naturally arises as you get to know and honor yourself.
There's nothing wrong with you!
You aren't selfish for having needs. What you feel and need matters.
You've been lulled into limiting beliefs that your feelings and inner knowing have no value. Now it is time for you to stop believing those thoughts and start honoring what truly matters to you.
No matter how painful your breakup may be, this is how you move forward into an empowered future you create — by knowing what you want!
Pernilla Lillarose is a self-love mystic and mentor at Divine Feminine Flow, who helps women experience more love, peace, and joy in their lives. Feel free to contact her for a free 30-minute Discovery Session to learn how true self-love can turn your whole life around.