Love, Self

5 Illusions About Marriage That Need To Be Broken


It requires new learnings as well as unlearning a lot of our belief systems. There are certain myths surrounding marriage which make us look at things the way they actually are not. Here are a few.

1. It’s Meant To Last Forever, No Matter What - This is the biggest fallacy that keeps us in marriages long after we have been unhappy or abused and lost our precious years (read youth) to make a redundant relationship work. Whoever told you that marriage is for keeps didn’t obviously tell you that you should get up from the table when love and respect is no longer being served. Relationships that last or aim to last require tremendous effort and hard work. They require trust, surrender and acceptance, and when something is amiss, your inner voice will guide you. Please listen to it, and don’t stifle it. Some relationships come with an expiry date, and it’s imperative to let them go once the lessons are learnt.

2. Fights And Disagreements Are Part Of A Healthy Marriage - No, regular fights and constant disagreements are signs that the marriage is ailing and you need help. A healthy relationship is devoid of constant bickering and bitterness. A good marriage is being in harmony with your partner. If there are conflicts on most of the issues, it’s a red flag for both to discuss the issues, see a marriage counselor and introspect what’s going wrong and why.

3. Staying In A Dysfunctional Marriage Is A Sign Of Courage & Inner Strength - Nothing is farther from truth than this. A marriage is meant to help you grow and blossom as is every relationship meant to do. If the marriage has begun to sprout ugly branches, then it’s time to rethink and re-evaluate rather than wait for the plant of marriage to grow, assuming the branches will shed off on their own. People stay far too long in marriages that don’t function well rather than finding the strength to accept its failure and move on. There’s no courage in being in a miserable marriage and patting yourself on the back for your valor. Love yourself enough to reject what’s not working for you.

4. Flexibility Is The Core Virtue To Make A Marriage Work - This is another myth that most women and men nourish blatantly. Being flexible has its own limits and protocols, too. One can’t bend over 180 degrees for a spouse who is not ready to bend even partly. Love doesn’t entail surrendering and accepting the whims and fancies of your spouse at the cost of doing all the work in a relationship and making your spouse feel so secure and lazy that he or she forgets to put in their share in the marriage. Remember, marriage is like bread. It has to be made fresh every day, and if you are going to do all the work yourself right from procuring the wheat and preparing the dough to baking and serving the bread, be warned that you are digging the grave of your relationship slowly.

5. Don’t Be Truthful All The Time - This is another myth that needs to be shattered. Most people believe that it is commendable to speak the truth as per one’s convenience -- to refrain from showing your true colors to your partner and to hide whatever you can to avoid getting into an unnecessary conflict in a marriage. There is nothing more damaging in a marriage than the manipulation of truth. Honest, effective communication is the key to a healthy marriage and to be able to air your grievances, fears and insecurities in a marriage is most essential. The day we start getting silent about things that matter to us is the day we have stopped living in the true sense. Silence works on a temporary basis and should not be used as a crutch to help make a limping marriage walk.

We have been taught, especially women but holds true for men as well, that when it’s hard to change the other person/when the truth will snowball into a deep crisis for the relationship, one should just go silent and that’s where all goes wrong. Being truthful and honest is the cardinal rule of every long lasting relationship and one that should never be compromised for fear of argument, rejection, judgement or appearing vulnerable. Any small feeling that one goes through needs to be communicated in a marriage in order to make it work. If one is angry/distressed/worried/happy/fearful, it has to be communicated to your partner. Most marriages fail because of the sham we put up in front of our own selves by hiding our truest feeling for fear of being judged or offending our partner. Remember, being true is being closer to yourself, and the more honest and true one is in a marriage, the deeper the connection one can feel with the other person.