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Don't just date anyone!
By Amy Schoen — Written on Oct 09, 2019
Women, if you want to know how to find a boyfriend who will make a good husband one day, there's some critical dating advice you need to take.
The quest for love might seem like a built-in, instinctive process — something that just naturally happens. After all, people meet, date, fall in love, get married, and start families every day.
Women tend to fixate on one person when it comes to love, however. And therefore may have the drive to find a husband and not just date forever.
If you’re a woman in search of a committed relationship, finding a husband may be your end goal. And if that’s the case, you’ll want a strategy that relies on more than just those migrating butterflies in your stomach.
In order to find a husband who is a quality partner, it’s important to both possess and seek quality personality traits. Looks, status, and wealth can fade with time and circumstances.
But qualities like emotional maturity, honesty, and integrity are core character traits that are essential to sustaining a relationship.
These character traits are more desirable in finding lasting love because they are developed and practiced. They are not the products of chance, but of choice. And when couples go through tough times (even the happiest ones do), their choices determine their outcome.
Devising a strategic plan to find a husband may sound a little cold and impersonal. But when you think about what’s at stake, doesn’t it make sense to go on more than a gut feeling or heart palpitations?
Think about every other important decision you’re likely to make in your adult life — choosing a college, buying a house, applying for a job. The more important the decision and the more lasting its impact, the more effort and strategy you invest.
Should finding a husband be any less important?
Before you can devise a strategy for finding a husband, you need to do an honest assessment of yourself and your own belief systems. What do you believe about relationships and your role in them? Do you believe they “just happen” and are either meant to be or not meant to be? Or do you believe they are developed as a product of both partners’ commitment and effort?
These very questions formed the thesis to research done by C.R. Knee and K.N. Petty. They found that people approach relationships from two different belief systems: Destiny beliefs and growth beliefs.
Those with destiny beliefs saw relationships as “meant to be” or “not meant to be.” Think “fairytale” and “love at first sight.”
People in this camp of thought were more likely to give up when things got tough or stale in their relationships. Surely, their struggles were a sign that they weren’t really “meant to be.”
People in the growth-beliefs camp, however, saw relationships in the context of their own self-expansion. They anticipated the natural struggles of life and love and believed that their personal and collective choices were integral to the stability of their relationships.
By sticking things out and working through their difficulties, they would experience personal and relational growth, or “expansion.”
You can probably guess which group had greater relationship success and happiness.
If your goal is to find a husband (and keep him), can you afford to believe in the fairytale version of love? Sure, romance feels wonderful, and we all want to be with someone we’re attracted to. But how long do you think a relationship built on a kiss from a prince on a white horse will last?
Not only is it important to cultivate growth beliefs within yourself, but it’s also important to find a husband with the same beliefs. A relationship going through its natural love stages will never survive if only one partner is committed to the work involved.
Devising a strategic plan to find a husband next involves taking an inventory of your own values. Think about your non-negotiables in life and in a mate. Are children essential to your happiness? Where do kindness, charity, and faith fit on your list?
Once you have made your list of values and most important traits for a husband, narrow the list to five non-negotiable qualities. These are the qualities in a mate and relationship that you absolutely have to have in order to be happy and true to yourself.
If this exercise proves to be more challenging than it sounds, consider enlisting the help of a dating coach. They’ll know how to guide you toward recognizing what matters most to you. And s/he will be able to help you recognize it when it shows up in potential mates -- especially those you might not have considered otherwise.
A dating coach can also help you devise your personalized strategic plan for finding a husband. They’ll guide you through the following steps to effective dating, and will be an invaluable resource for keeping you on track.
Here are 5 tips for how to find a quality man if you're trying to find "the one" instead of just dating:
1. Get out there
Ask your family and friends to help you in your search. Believe it or not, friends are still coming through as match-up heroes for a good portion of the people who find partners or spouses.
Crawl out of your comfort zone enough to try something new. And aim for those activities most likely to also engage the kind of guy you want to meet.
2. Think outside the bars
Remember what you are looking for and set your internal GPS accordingly. Bars and nightclubs are rarely teeming with commitment-driven candidates.
Consider joining groups or participating in events that center around activities you already love to do. You want the great guys of the world to recognize who you are and what you value simply by the activities you involve yourself in.
Part of your strategy has to be looking in the right places.
3. Be confident
Not feeling the confident vibe? Practice behaving confidently.
A little bit of fake-it-’til-you-make-it can be a good thing. You like confident men; men love confident women.
4. Consider online dating
Even if you are putting yourself out there and meeting new people, you may still want to have a presence in the online dating world. A dating coach can partner with you in this effort, and can direct you to the best sites for your goals.
Again, if you want to find a husband, it’s important that you look in the right places. Skip the free sites and opt for those that take a bit more commitment from both genders.
Whether it’s a membership fee or a personality questionnaire or both, making an investment will demonstrate more serious intent.
5. Be open to trying something new
Sometimes people find the loves of their lives when and where they aren’t even looking. Be selective, but not too picky. Lead with your handful of non-negotiable criteria, then allow life to introduce you to possibilities you may not have considered.
Devising a strategic plan to find a husband starts with you — what you believe, what you want, the effort you are willing to make. It’s about having a vision so you can then go after it.
Once you know what you need to be happy, your search will be less of a “search” and more of a “recognition.” You’ll be a magnet for the standards you seek. And you’ll recognize them when they show up.
Instead of constantly searching for something better, you’ll know your non-negotiables have been met. And you will be able to say, with confidence, “I do.”
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Amy Schoen is a national expert in dating and relationship coaching who is passionate about helping marriage-minded singles find their true love and create fulfilling, life-long relationships. For more information about Coach Amy and to get her free “Online Dating Checklist”,visit her website.