How To Spice Up Your Married Sex Life (& Keep It That Way)

married sex

No matter how perfect you are for one another or how great your marriage is, it's only natural that you will get bored with one another from time to time.

When you meet a couple who's been married for twenty-plus years, you probably wonder: How can anything be novel or exciting still, and how do they beat the boredom

What you must remember is, no one is the same person each day, each month, or each year. In fact, a healthy marriage helps each person grow and evolve. The healthier the marriage, the more you can expect each person to grow and change. 

Couples who have been happily married for a long time understand the concept of feeling "freer" in marriage than they were when single. A healthy marriage supports both people's ability to become the people they want to become.

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The way a couple communicates its love changes, too. My husband says things and touches me now in a way that is much deeper than when we first married. I get him, and he gets me.

Great sex is highly correlated with understanding your partner.

For women, the more secure and comfortable they are with their partner, the more unconventional and open to new things they will be. This affects their partner and is what makes their partner love having sex with them.

However, men's need for visual variety is much higher than women's. Men may use this as an excuse for why they visit men's clubs or invest in pornography, when in truth, this is an "in-the-box thinking" type of excuse. 

If couples talk about this need, they can both do things that will help provide variety and not lead to the potential problems that men's clubs and watching pornography may cause.

When a married couple is struggling with their sex life, the biggest obstacle is convincing the couple that they must keep talking about their sex life. One of the assignments I give each of my married couples who are unhappy with their marital sex life is to talk about their sex life for 10 minutes a day, four days a week.

This proves excruciatingly painful for them, especially the women. Couples can go on date night and talk about their kids all night, but if one of them interjects, "Oh wait, we have to talk about our sex life now," you would most likely hear silence at best, and a groan at worst. 

Some of a woman's views about their sexuality are directly related to the way society affords more social accolades for being a good mom than they do for being a wonderful, intimate partner to their husbands (the media also projects husbands as being another child for the wife to look after). 

The fact that it is not valued by society contributes to women not valuing intimacy or sex as much as they do their children and their numerous other chores. Women don't use sex as a stress reliever as men do, because it isn't a stress reliever.

It becomes a chore when a woman feels as if she has numerous jobs to do, and lists pleasing her husband as another one of those jobs. Many women don't understand the importance of their sexual health and how important sex is to a healthy marriage.

The wife needs to understand that sex is a stress reliever for her husband, and her husband needs to understand that sex may be an additional stressor to his wife.

If a husband can help alleviate some of her other tasks, and she can do little things such as touching and embracing him more, it may help alleviate some of his stress without adding to hers. 

Many women will tell me the reason they don't hug or touch their husband more is because their husband's mind goes directly to the goal of having sex, and she feels "too tired to get into all of that." If you are going to build a healthier family, you must begin with building a healthier marriage. If you are going to build a healthier marriage, you must build healthier communication. If you are going to build healthier communication, you must be able to talk about your sexual feelings with your spouse.

And if you are going to talk about your feelings toward sex, you have to become aware of your sexual and sensual self as a person.

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Here are five tips to help you get started:

1. Remember, the brain is the largest sex organ.

You have to start here to feel good about sex. If you are angry or anxious at a partner, you have to deal with your brain first. Anger that is held in does not create good sex or help you to feel sexy.

2. Adjust your attitude.

Embrace yourself — you don't need to be a perfect size.

If you have curves and hips, embrace them. This is one of the most beautiful aspects of women. Most of us have flaws, cellulite, acne or wrinkles. These "flaws" will not distract from a beautiful smile or a warm embrace.

Take a lesson from your man. Men are much better at embracing their flaws than women are.

3. Fantasize about sex.

The more you think about sex, the more you will want it, so be sure to take time to think about it.

Read romance novels, listen to sensual music and watch sexy movies. Then, openly and freely share your sexual fantasies with your spouse.

4. Get to know your body.

Touch yourself so you know the sensitive areas of your body. Where does it make you feel good to touch?

This knowledge is very important and helpful to the person loving you. Your partner cannot read your mind, so don't be shy about letting them know what feels good.

5. Focus on the foreplay.

Healthy marriage foreplay starts first thing in the morning and lasts all day. Make sure you stay connected during the day with a quick call or text. Sexual intercourse is only one small part of sex. There are so many ways to be intimate in your marriage, so why get hung up on only one? 

Remember, women have less stress when they are emotionally connected. Guys have decreased stress when they are physically connected. Guys, talking and listening to your lady helps decrease her stress, and sex happens when women are not stressed. 

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It would be short-sighted for couples to get married and talk about "till death do us part" if they didn't consider what they were going to do to keep their sex life interesting. Yet, that is what happens to most couples who wed. Couples talk about their new place settings, TVs, and bedrooms sets, but are naive about the issues that will have a huge impact on their ability to keep their marriage healthy. 

Married sex has the capacity to be the best sex — but only if the couple values its importance. 

In the end, it's not the lifestyle of marriage that causes the snore factor. Just as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, sex, whether it is hot or not, is the opinion of the couple. Many couples have sex once a month in the same position and love it! Others feel unloved if it isn't every day. It's not a problem unless one of the partners is complaining. You don't need to swing from a chandelier to be happy.

Mary Jo Rapini is a licensed therapist and intimacy and sex counselor. If you'd like to reach out to her for more information and free monthly relationship tips, you can go to, or reach her on her Facebook page or tweet her @MaryJoRapini.