Why Gottman’s 'Four Horsemen' Ruin Relationships — And How To Deal With Each

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couple dealing with Gottman's four horsemen
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All couples face relationship problems, and marriage counselor Dr. John Gottman's decades of research have earned him worldwide recognition as a leading expert on how couples can deal with their most difficult issues most effectively.

Notably, Gottman found that, on average, 69% of the problems in any relationship are unsolvable. These unsolvable problems issues caused by each partner's personality traits or other issues that can never be eliminated and therefore need to be managed rather than solved.

Looking at the problems that most commonly predict divorce, Dr. Gottman categorized them using the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse as a metaphor.

Dr. John Gottman's four horsemen are:

  1. Criticism
  2. Contempt
  3. Defensiveness
  4. Stonewalling (i.e., the silent treatment)

While it's understandable that couples who want to solve their problems and move on aren't usually thrilled to find out that the majority of their problems aren't solvable, I find it calming to look at it this way: if you can't fix everything, it also means you don't have to.

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Knowing more about Gottman's four horseman and how to deal with them in your relationship will help you manage these common issues so your relationship can thrive.

Gottman's four horsemen and how to deal with each in relationships:

1. Criticism

It's important for couples to learn the difference between criticism and complaints. Voicing a complaint or offering feedback is a way of addressing specific issues with the intention of improving your relationship, whereas criticizing someone is attacking them for who they are.

How to deal with criticism in a relationship: Instead of making blanket hurtful statements about your partner, pinpoint the specific behavior or issue you currently have a problem with. Additionally, using aggressive "you" statements instead of softer "I statements" can be easily perceived as being critical, even if that wasn't your intention. Reframing your statements to address the specific problem will help you feel heard while also not putting your partner on the defensive.

Examples of things to say to minimize criticism: Instead of "You're so inconsiderate. Why did you bring that up?" try saying something like, "When you said that earlier, I felt hurt because I wasn't expecting to have that conversation now. Could we discuss it tonight when we've both had time to give it some thought?"

2. Contempt

Contempt takes criticism even further. When you treat your partner with contempt, you're not just criticizing them, you are attacking from a place of moral superiority in a way that makes your partner feel disrespected, despised and worthless. Contempt happens when you go on the attack in order to defend your own position, and typically results from allowing frustrations and resentments to stew unaddressed for too long,

Gottman's research shows that contempt is the most corrosive of the four horsemen and the single biggest predictor of divorce. Contempt has also been shown to weaken your immune system.

How to deal with contempt in a relationship: In a relationship, you both need to be on equal ground. If you and your partner aren't approaching each other as equals, you'll start to resent one another. To stop holding contempt for your partner, you must learn to accept one another as moral equals and express appreciation for one another on a regular basis.

Examples of things to say to minimize contempt:

  • "I'm thankful to have you in my life."
  • "I really admire your drive and sense of humor."
  • "I admire your level of dedication."

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3. Defensiveness

Defensiveness is often a response to the first two horsemen, criticism and contempt. You feel your partner attacked you, so naturally, you want to defend yourself and may reverse blame onto them in order to feel better about yourself. This kind of negative coping mechanism is also known as righteous indignation.

In other words, when you feel like your partner is coming at you, you become defensive and respond in kind — and you feel justified in doing so because of how they approached the topic to begin with.

How to deal with defensiveness in a relationship: It's critical that you and your partner stop yourselves from reacting defensively on impulse and start taking responsibility for your own behaviors. When you hear yourself being defensive, pause, acknowledge your defensive behavior, and ask if you can start again.

Examples of things to say to minimize defensiveness:

  • "I really blew that one. I'm sorry."
  • "I can see my part in this and I'm sorry for it. How can I do better next time?"
  • "That was my bad. May I try explaining my position again, this time being more respectful of you?"

4. Stonewalling

Stonewalling, also known as the silent treatment, is when someone refuses, avoids or withdraws from engaging in communication or problem-solving with their partner. Like defensiveness, this may happen in response to contempt. In relationship conflicts, this is the equivalent of the flight part of the fight or flight response. People may stonewall their partner when they feel like they just can't take it anymore, but stonewalling shuts out any chance of reconciliation and prevents healing.

It is important to note that stonewalling can also be a tactic of emotional abuse. In such cases, it is typically used as a negative coping mechanism by people with an avoidant attachment style, serving to both "protect" the stonewaller and punish the partner being stonewalled, leaving the person you love feeling emotionally isolated.

How to deal with stonewalling in a relationship: For the partner with a tendency to stonewall learning to practice physiological self-soothing can be a huge help. Stop yourself, ask your partner for a break, and take 20 minutes in a different room to listen to some relaxing music while focusing on your breath. You can also try going for a walk, doing some yoga, watching something you find funny, or reading an interesting book. Whatever you choose, do it where you won't see or think about your partner until you've calmed down.

And for the partner of the person doing this in order to prevent themselves from stonewalling, allow them to take this time, knowing they are doing it with both of your best interests in mind.

Examples of things to say to minimize stonewalling:

  • "I don't want to shut you out, but I do need to take a break in order to calm myself and collect my thoughts. Can we take a short break and pick this up again in about 20 minutes?"
  • "I'm feeling anxious and need to pause. I'm going to step away for a short time so I can calm down, and I promise we'll be able to finish this after.

Gottman's four horsemen are rarely seen in isolation in any given relationship or marriage.

These relationship issues are a family of sorts — and they can destroy an otherwise healthy relationship if you don't know how to deal with them as they arise.

With time and practice, using the techniques explained above to deal with the four horsemen of criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling will feel like a natural way to communicate, and you'll enjoy one another's company again. Learn to ride the waves in your relationship. The more you practice, the easier it will get.

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Lianne Avila is a licensed marriage & family therapist with a practice in San Mateo, CA. For more information, visit her website.

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