Love, Self

7 Signs You're Way Too Needy With Men (And It Turns Them Off)

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emotionally unavailable men

You keep looking for man’s unconditional love, but you gravitate toward emotionally unavailable men who are non-communicating, unfaithful, deceptive and abusive — men who somehow remind you of your father. You want a wonderful boyfriend or husband, but you believe that you're unworthy of a man’s respect, love and commitment.

You constantly need a man’s reassurance, landing you in one toxic relationship after another. You romanticize and anguish about a relationship with your new man, so your feelings of uncertainty project desperation and neediness. As a result, you allow a man to walk all over you or you reject a man before he can reject you.

When a quality man shows an interest in you, you act out with your fearful, insecure and irrational behavior. You have panic attacks, binge on sweets and fried foods, drink too much, or succumb to promiscuous sex. You withdraw from your friends, worry frantically, and slip into a funky depression.

RELATED: 7 Signs He’s Emotionally Unavailable (And NOT Worth Your Time)

It’s a clear sign that you lack confidence in your worth.

Suitors back away from you and boyfriends fall out of love with you because a relationship with you is neurotic, difficult and emotional draining. Your underlying problem is:

  • You’re afraid a man might reject or leave you.
  • You’re afraid to be authentic and vulnerable.
  • You’re afraid to trust a man because he might hurt you.
  • You afraid a man won’t want you because you’re a middle-aged woman.
  • You allow men in your life who are non-communicating, non-committal and abusive.

Girl, you need to realize your value as a woman! We can’t choose our dads, but we CAN choose the quality of men we allow in our lives. We can’t change our hurtful, dysfunctional past, but we can create a satisfying and secure future.

Here are 7 signs you have needy, clingy behavior that's attracting emotionally unavailable men and toxic relationships, and how to change it:

1. You’re too accommodating.

When you chase a man, you are telling yourself that you don't think you are worthy of his pursuit. Out of eagerness and insecurity, you’re too nice, too available and you have sex with him too soon.

You feed his dog when he goes out of town. You ditch your girlfriends and you cancel your plans to go out with him at the last minute. When he doesn’t call or text you (like he said he would) you call him to hopefully reassure yourself. You’re afraid to say "no" to sex because he might stop seeing you.

Solution: Stop selling yourself short. Ignore the tingling, throbbing, love-sick feelings that you experience about a new man. Understand that it’s a natural part of your "need-a-man" cravings. Calling him makes you appear anxious and anxious makes you appear needy.

If you have to guess whether or not to call, the answer is "DON’T CALL!" If your gut morals tell you to hold off having sex with him, woman up and tell him you’re NOT ready to have sex. Succumbing to a man’s selfish sexual needs fuels your needy emotions and low self-worth.

RELATED: If He Does These 11 Things, You're Not Crazy — He's GASLIGHTING You

2. You give more than you get.

You call, text and email him more than he contacts you. You concoct ways to be with him; you invite him parties and cook dinner for him. You keep his favorite beer or liquor on hand. You give him gifts, mail him cute cards or send flowers to his home or office (yes, women to this!).

You think being nice and accommodating will make him appreciate and love you, but you don’t get what you were hoping for in return.

Solution: A healthy relationship needs a balance of "give and take." When you give too much, you appear desperate for a relationship. Pay attention to your wants and needs and don’t be afraid to express your desires or your concerns.

If you cook dinner, it’s his turn to take you out to a restaurant. If you call and leave him a message or you text him, wait until he contacts you. If he doesn’t call you right away, don’t assume there is something wrong. He could be busy or waiting for a reason (or the right time) to call. But if he doesn’t call at all, you need to accept the cold fact that he’s just not into you.

Until you're a solid couple, save the gifts for his birthday, Valentine’s Day and Christmas. Ditch the syrupy greeting cards and ask him to pick a nice bottle of wine up before coming to your house. If you are indeed giving more than you receive, you are with the wrong guy.

3. You act out your apprehension.

You crave a man’s validation and acceptance, but your insecurities cause you to be jealous, anxious and mistrusting. You constantly text him and call him. You drive by his house and you stalk him on Facebook. When he doesn’t call or text you back right away, you become uptight and fearful. You imagine that you did something to push him away, so you become suspicious of his activities and you doubt his commitment.

Solution: It’s time to reprogram your dating computer. You are the SELECTOR. He is the PURSUER. A man’s job is to court you, woo you, impress you and convince you that he is the absolute best man for you. Your job is to be charming, receptive and appreciative of his pursuit. Bombarding a man with texting and phone calls is the surest way to push him away.

If you believe you ARE the prize, he will sense your confidence and self-worth and he will work double-time to win your favor. 

4. You hound him for affirmation.

You feel that's he's not fulfilling your relationship needs. You beg him to talk to you, reveal his intimate thoughts with you, spend more time with you and have sex with you. Your behavior is smothering and suffocating, which causes him to pull back from you to protect his personal space.

Solution: Dating in hopes of a serious relationship is an unrewarding process. Absence does make the heart grow fonder. Force yourself to give him space and create activities for yourself.

Practice dating for the sake of entertainment and friendship. Go out with your friends. Spend time alone, nurture your 7 chakras, and learn to love your own company. Warning: He may be emotionally stunted and incapable of fulfilling your basic emotional needs, in which case is a lost cause.

RELATED: The Difference Between Emotionally Unavailable Vs. Emotionally Available Men

5. You discount his hurtful behavior.

Your love for him is blind, irrational and self-destructive. You're bound to a man whose dysfunctional behavior jells with your needy, co-dependent mindset. You minimize and discount the oblivious — that he is self-absorbed, unreliable, deceitful, non-communicating and quick-tempered. You subconsciously (or knowingly) operate in denial, tolerating his bad behavior.

Solution: You deserve better. If you continually commit to men who make your heart ache and you are uncertain about your future with him — you need to get therapy so you can understand WHY you gravitate to men who mistreat you.

6. You have no personal boundaries.

You act like a doormat. You let him come over at midnight for a booty call. You sweep aside the fact that he canceled your Friday night date at the last minute. He texts you for a date at the last minute and you actually go. He lies to you and he verbally abuses you, and you silently condone his maltreatment.

Solution: Men do not respect women they exploit. Stop trying to please him and be good to yourself. Raise your standards. Hold him accountable for his bad behavior. Be aware of what you want and need in a relationship and make up your mind to accept nothing less. If he pulls away from you, it’s because he can’t manipulate and control you.

7. You cling to man who has lost interest in you.

His phone calls and text messages stopped and he spends less and less time with you. His conversations with you are shallow and short and he has less physical touch with you.

You try to reel him back in; you send him flirty, sexy messages and you invite him over for a drink. He turns you down and so you haunt his favorite hangout hoping to run into him. You think if he sees you, it will rekindle his interest in you, but you are disheartened by his cold reception.

Solution: Pursuing a man will not change the way he feels about you. If he seems distant or suddenly unavailable, take care of your mental state by making yourself slightly more unavailable.

Allowing a man to have his space without your interference will give him the freedom to recharge his manhood. When he happily and willingly comes back to you, you will experience a surge of confidence and self-worth. If he doesn’t, he is NOT the right man for you.

RELATED: 7 Signs You're In A Manipulative, Toxic Relationship

Read Nancy Nichols's newly released book God, Please Fix Me! It's a read you won't soon forget. For more dating insight sign up for Nancy's Newsletter.

This article was originally published at Reprinted with permission from the author.