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Is your relationship healthy?
By Evie Shafner — Written on Apr 17, 2020
Most of us long to be in a loving, committed relationship. So if you are starting to get some signs of a toxic relationship that tell you your current partner might not be the right person for you, the instinct is to close your eyes to the things you see.
This will help you start rationalizing — to make a deal with the devil, so to speak — and stay put.
Unfortunately, most relationships don't last forever. But figuring out how to know when to break up isn't always easy, even if all of the signs are right in front of you.
Here's a hint: if you're hard at work ignoring the signs of an unhealthy and even toxic relationship, it's probably time to leave. Making a mess out of your life because you were too afraid to say goodbye isn't worth it.
Here are 13 signs of a dead-end, toxic relationship that mean it's time for you to break up and move forward.
1. Communication is a struggle
You are aware that your partner is not empathetic and always gets defensive if you try to talk to them.
If you don't have empathy, you don't have anything.
2. You don't touch each other
Your partner limits contact, you feel marginalized and not important most of the time. Perhaps this is the "they're just not that into you" category.
You have to face the truth about that and not tolerate settling for crumbs.
3. You can't connect with one another
You were initially attracted physically, but don't end up feeling there is a person of substance there to connect with.
4. They seem to get angry with everything
Your partner is very reactive — more than warrants the situation. If you think it's bad now...
5. There's no discussion, only arguing
Accepting differences is part of being a grown-up. In your primary relationship, there will always be differences. But if your partner can't handle you not agreeing with them, that is a major red flag.
6. They belittle your ideals and beliefs
Your values and beliefs are so polarized. If you can't bear to live with someone who thinks your ideas aren't valid — don’t.
7. You want to spend more time apart than together
You find yourself wanting space a lot. It’s the opposite of feeling like you can't get enough of your partner or can't wait to see them at the end of the day.
Maybe in your head, you want to be partnered, but your body is telling you something different.
8. You feel like you have to pretend to be someone else
You don't feel like you can be yourself. You feel anxious, or have the feeling you are walking on eggshells. Run for the hills!
9. They try to control you
Your partner is super clingy or super controlling and you can't talk to them about it. This is a huge red flag!
10. Your partner doesn't seem to want to make you a part of their life
You don't feel loved and cherished much of the time. You don't get the feeling your partner is thrilled to be in the world with you. You’ve been together for three years and they still don't introduce you as their boyfriend/girlfriend... please!
11. Your loved ones don't like them
Your family and friends all are warning you. Take a hard look.
12. You don't see a future together
You don't have that total green light feeling of seeing a future together. Your body keeps giving you a yellow or red signal instead of green.
13. Your partner doesn't seem to want to fix problems
You seem to be the only one in the relationship who understands that you have to work on things, the only one who wants to bring conscious intentionality to your communication.
It is so important to marry the right person! Seek the truth and listen to your instincts. They will save you.
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Evie Shafner is a licensed MFT, clinical psychologist, and Imago therapy practitioner who wants to help people take the helm of their lives. For more information about how she can help you, visit her website.
This article was originally published at Evie Shafner. Reprinted with permission from the author.