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By Elizabeth Stone — Written on Aug 20, 2021
Boundaries are those unwritten rules that everyone has, to protect themselves from other people’s behavior, and get their wants and needs met. Having a “fence” around the behaviors that you do and the ones that you find acceptable from others is very important.
When you’re allowing others to cross your relationship boundaries by not reinforcing them and speaking up, anxiety and unhappiness are the results.
When we aren’t sure where our boundaries are, or we consistently let people get away with behavior that we shouldn’t allow, it has big emotional side effects. Unfortunately, often we aren’t always good at recognizing these side effects until we’ve allowed people to treat us poorly.
Here are 6 warning signs that your boundaries need repair:
1. You feel put out.
Feeling taken advantage of or put out is a direct result of giving more than you should be reasonably giving, and then expecting something in return.
This issue is boundary-related because if you had pulled back on the giving when you saw a lack of appreciation or reciprocation, you wouldn’t feel resentful that you aren’t gaining what you had hoped to receive in return.
2. You’re allergic to “No.”
Do you have a hard time saying no? Either people are regularly requesting things that they have no business asking from you, or you have a tendency to people-please (or both) is problematic and shows that you haven’t gotten clear on what you need, feel, and want before making the shift between giving and pulling back.
We teach people how to treat us. When you don’t speak up and say no (thus reinforcing your boundaries), you’re perpetuating the problem by training them that whatever it is they want you to do is acceptable.
3. You consistently find yourself in bad situations.
Do you regularly feel like people are taking advantage of you or crossing the line frequently? Yep, this is another sign that your boundaries aren’t strong or reinforced.
If you’re allowing people to cross the line, you have boundaries that are being violated. You might not even realize that boundaries are the problem, just that you’re feeling like crap since people in your life keep pushing the limit.
4. You blame others.
Do you feel like other people are largely responsible for your hurts?
Blame and recrimination of others is a sign that either you are allowing people to bust your boundaries or they were not firm in the first place. Once you start taking more responsibility for your part in each situation, it becomes easier to see where you didn’t honor your boundaries.
5. You have trouble expressing your feelings, needs, and wants.
It’s common for people with boundary problems to not even know exactly what they need or want. If you find yourself having trouble getting your needs met in a reasonable way, using clear communication, this could be you.
You may stew internally, but by having trouble expressing yourself, you’re compounding the problem.
6. You assume people will fix their behavior themselves.
If you’ve found yourself wishing and hoping that someone will come through for you, except they consistently let you down, you’re expecting too much from someone who isn’t invested enough to give to you. Or it’s a sign that your desires might not line up with reality and you aren’t making hard decisions about the relationship.
If you’re experiencing these six things, it’s time to examine what kind of behavior you’ve been continuing to allow in your life and develop more healthy boundaries.
You can either continue to be the victim of people busting your boundaries, or you can begin instituting consequences when you start to feel like you’re not getting your wants and needs met.
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Elizabeth Stone is an author, love coach, and founder of Attract The One. Sign up for her free masterclass, "3 Dangerous Mistakes Women Make With Men," to learn more. Follow her on Twitter.
This article was originally published at Digital Romance Inc. Reprinted with permission from the author.