7 Q's To Ask Yourself In Order To TRULY Find Your Soul Mate

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soul mate

Are you tired of going in and out of relationships that don't work for you? Are you in a marriage that you regret, and think, "If only I could have found my soul mate, I would be happier?"

Do you ever wonder what happened that caused the person who was your soul mate for a couple of years, at the beginning of your marriage, to change?

You are not alone.

There is a reason who so many people are still searching for their soulmate. And there is a reason more than 60% of people have divorced, even when people thought they found "the one".

Modern relationships and marriages are a complex entity. They require the soul mate to be the perfect lover, best friend, business partner, money manager, social mate, co-parent, at times each other’s parent, entertainer, and more.

That is a lot to put on one person. 

Dr. Harville Hendrix states that your subconscious soul mate is an image of the good, the bad, and the ugly side of your parents that you gravitate toward, in order to complete the unfinished business of the past.

Dr. John Gottman states that the conscious soul mate is the one that creates a safe, friendly, and workable relationship with us.

The myths tell us that the prince will finally find his soul mate by matching the glass slipper onto the perfect size foot, and Cinderella  against all odds of brutality  will happily ever after be loved, and live in an enchanted castle.

Our parents also told us, as we were growing up, who we should (and should not) be with.

So in OUR reality, we have a vision (actually, a fantasy) of a soul mate who will have the best characteristics of our parents, would not have any parts of our parents that we don’t like, will have similarities to what we like about ourselves, won't have any similarity to the parts that we don’t like about ourselves, will possess all the qualities that we want to have but we don’t, will have all the skills to handle all the parts of us that we don’t like about us, will give unconditional love and acceptance toward whatever we do (as our parents should have done), and ultimately loves, adores, and admires us forever and ever.

Tall order, huh?


In order to find out if this is even possible, we first need to start with ourselves. Could we ever fulfill all of the above for someone else? 

From the Awareness Integration model, we can ask ourselves some questions in order to find out:

1. What you think and feel about your soul mate?  

2. What are your expectations from your soul mate?

3. How do you see yourself acting toward your soul mate?

4. How do you perceive your soul mate would think, feel, and act toward you?

5. Who are you besides your soul mate?

6. How do you think, feel, and act toward yourself in relation to your soul mate?

7. What would you be willing to give and offer up in the relationship?

Explore all of the positive and negative thoughts, beliefs, dualities, and emotions brought up by these questions. 

Where do all of these beliefs come from? Which of the past beliefs, emotions, and actions do you see as workable and successful and want to keep —  and which ones are no longer workable or are unrealistic? From those, you can choose to purge and replace with healthy values and skills.

You may see that you are lacking the healthy communication, cooperation, emotional management, financial management, or even healthy sexual skills to keep a healthy relationship going forward.

This is the time to study, learn, take classes to gain the skills that you did not learn from your parents or past relationships.

Remember, you deserve to receive what you put in a relationship. So your search for a soul mate will need to start with you, and what you are able to give. 

So, begin thinking, feeling, and behaving as the soul mate that you desire to be, and the one who matches you and appreciates who you are will show up.  

Then you can continue to utilize the skills to maintain all those healthy qualities and behaviors, so you can continue being soul mates as long as you both desire. 

Dr. Foojan Zeine, Psychotherapist, Life & Executive Coach, and the Author of “Life Reset  The Awareness Integration Path to Create the Life You Want”.

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