How To Tell If You're Dating A Conceited Person Or Someone Who’s Confident
Knowing the difference is vital.
getty How do you know if someone is truly confident or is actually just a conceited person?
You want to go out with people who are confident yet ego-quelled, but somehow, you often end up dating a conceited jerk. It's not hard to feel anxious when it comes to navigating the single life and finding the right mate.
How can you avoid Mr. or Ms. Conceited before even agreeing to go out on a date? Or, at least weed them out quickly on that first meeting?
Here are 8 ways to tell if the person you're dating is a conceited person or positively confident.
1. Do they focus the conversation on you or themselves?
One of the key ways to differentiate between confidence and conceit is to assess the level of interest a person has in you, as opposed to themselves.
The confident person conveys an interest in others, while the conceited person focuses mostly on themselves.
Typically, the core of conceit is insecurity. Beneath a veneer of confidence, the conceited person (a.k.a., a narcissist) feels insecure, and therefore seeks constant approval and reassurance from others.
By contrast, the confident person knows who they are and doesn’t seek constant approval from others. When in a conversation, they are interested in who they're speaking to and may not be the most polished conversationalist.
Their goal is not your approval — their goal is to meet someone they like.
2. Do they listen, or never shut up?
Conceited people generally talk a lot. They can be entertaining and magnetic to a listener. At the same time, they are guarded and don’t ever say too much about themselves.
Confident people, on the other hand, understand that to be interesting is to be interested, so they engage easily with people around them, asking questions of you and remembering your answers later within an exchange.
They don't need to redirect every conversation back to themselves, nor do they require your approval. This frees them to follow a conversation naturally and not drive it.
Confident people tend to listen as much as they speak.
3. Are they actually funny?
Conceited people’s humor is usually at the expense of others or sarcastic.
By contrast, confidence allows for honesty about their interests and often the luxury of humor at their own expense.
Confident people celebrate others' successes, and their humor is more situational. (Think: Chris Rock, Steve Harvey, or Jerry Seinfeld.)
4. What is their posture like?
Conceit demands constant vigilance to audience approval, leading conceited people often to display closed and guarded body posture.
Many conceited people struggle to stay focused on their audience, easily distracted by others' actions around them.
By contrast, the body language of a confident person is open and engaged, and eye contact and attention during conversations are easily maintained.
Confident people don't require constant monitoring of others around them.
5. What does their online profile look like?
Online profiles of conceited people are polished and well-marketed to catch a reader’s eye. Their email communication is practiced and engaging.
Remember, they are professionals at getting your attention.
In contrast, online profiles of confident people are easy to read, straight-forward, and even unpolished. They don’t try too hard, because they don’t need to.
6. How confident do you feel in their company?
People in the company of a conceited person often report feeling invisible, but they still desire that person’s attention and approval.
By contrast, a confident person is an engaged conversationalist — as opposed to an entertainer — and easily makes people in their company feel heard, stimulated, and often more confident themselves.
7. How do they speak about others?
Conceited people tend to speak poorly about others. They are judgmental and will point out all the mistakes and flaws in others — especially when those people excel.
Conceited people are very uncomfortable when the spotlight is on anyone other than themselves.
A confident person can celebrate other’s successes and let the other person have the attention for a job well done or an accomplishment.
This doesn’t mean that a confident person never feels disappointed when they don't achieve their goal first. What they do differently is that they look at personal improvement instead of criticizing, blaming, or judging the other person.
8. How do they speak to others?
Conceited people tend to be arrogant. They think they are better, more important, and more worthy than others. And because of this, they will frequently speak disrespectfully to others. (They also regularly treat others disrespectfully.)
On the other hand, confident people know that people are people. No one person is intrinsically better than another.
Confident people tend to speak to people in ways that are appropriate and respectful.
What is a conceited person?
You may have noticed as you read through the descriptions above that you're thinking of other words to describe the behavior.
There are many other words we might choose to label a conceited person:
- Narcissist
- Egotist
- "Princess" or "prima donna"
- Self-centered
- Vain
- Spoiled
- Self-absorbed
- Mean-spirited
- Jealous
- Judgmental
- Arrogant
Regardless of the word you choose to label the behavior, a conceited person by any other name is still conceited. And certainly not worth spending your precious time to date.
How can you tell if someone is conceited?
Let your gut speak to you. Determining whether your date is confident or conceited is critical before moving forward. Thankfully, the answers are usually within us.
The charm of a conceited person can be deceptively attractive.
Sometimes, we just don’t want to see what we're seeing. Be honest with yourself by using the above guidelines to take a broad look.
In the end, go with your gut to determine yay or nay on whether to move forward in dating this person.
By allowing yourself to assess the person with your instincts and thoughts, rather than just your feelings, you’ll gain more relationship self-esteem.
Tapping these deep-seated truths is always your best source of knowledge.
Dr. Alicia Clark is a licensed clinical psychologist. Check out her online interactive Hack Your Anxiety Accelerator based on her bestselling book, "Hack Your Anxiety." Using exercises and simple explanations, this six-module course will furnish you with the tools you need to fast-track taking control of anxiety right now.