Why Your Guy Runs From Intimacy (And How You Can Bring Him Back)

Pressure won't help. But THIS will.

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Have you ever experienced getting close to a guy and suddenly, without warning, he creates some sort of drama and falls out of your life? This can happen with dates, friendships and even clients. You beat yourself up wishing you could have done something different and you blame yourself for his leaving.

It isn’t your fault; you just experienced his “intimacy defense.”

When guys are hurt at a young age by someone they trusted to keep them safe, they build a powerful defense from allowing anyone to get that close again.


Men desperately want connection, but when they bump up against the breaking point when they really start to care about you, something triggers in them to remind them of their old hurt and they run. When he experiences unconditional love and acceptance, instead of feeling good, he unconsciously interprets it as a threat to his survival.

He will find excuses to quit or run away by rationalizing with silly stories and making it your fault. He associates closeness with pain, and putting up the protective barriers not only cushions him from reliving the old pain, but it closes him off to love.

When a man becomes defensive, he tends to burn through friends, family and colleagues and avoids getting close to anyone. He plays the victim but he's acting through his own self-punishment. The defense is so unconscious that he doesn't even realize what he's doing.


Rationalizing with a man like this is futile.

He is so convinced the problem is with you, not him, that he won't admit fault. Instead of getting angry, see him as scared — he must have gone through some tough hurts to be so defensive and afraid of love. Have compassion for him. If you understand WHY it's happening, then you can stop beating yourself up about it. Don’t close down like him — continue to open your heart knowing you did nothing wrong but present a loving opportunity to becoming more intimate in your relationship.

If you find yourself shutting out others, examine your own fears of intimacy. 

If this is a pattern, you can change it by going toward the fear and seeing that there is no real threat from love.


In dating and coach/client relationships, there is always a level of intimacy that gets created. You're not responsible for the other person’s fears or projections. Some people evolved to accept responsibility and transcend their fears. Your openness can be a catalyst for a breakthrough that will change all relationships in their life.

Unfortunately not everyone is ready to move past their intimacy defensiveness, but that doesn’t mean you should shut down your heart and stop sharing all of who you are. As you continue to stay open, people who are ready to receive the exchange of love will flow into your life.