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Don't let insecurities ruin your happiness in a relationship.
By Clayton Olson — Written on Sep 28, 2022
Feeling insecure is the worst! But if we're honest with ourselves, we can all relate to feeling that way. Literally, all of us have our own insecurities.
But the fact that we struggle with insecurity, especially in relationships, doesn't make our insecurities pretty. In fact, insecurity doesn’t look good on anyone.
In romantic relationships, insecurities are not only unattractive, but they're also potential connection killers. Especially when they fester and burrow, these fears change us … and not in a good way.
Of course, while everyone worries, we don't all worry about the same things.
Learning how to stop being insecure means identifying what it is you fear most.
You may have trust issues and worry that your partner will up and leave you one day for someone thinner, cuter, and/or younger. Or, maybe you worry they’ll leave you for someone who makes more money, has stronger muscles, and whose work is perceived by society as being a more important job.
One of the best ways to overcome your insecurities is to accept that, yes, those threats do exist. And not just for you, but for everyone.
We all lose things in our lives — looks fade, money comes and goes, and great jobs end. Loss is part of life, and if you value your life based on things you have or what you're accomplishing, insecurity will always rear its ugly head.
Though you'll never stop worrying entirely, here are three things to do in order to stop being insecure in your relationship.
1. Recognize that your differences are actually attractive.
One thing that makes us feel insecure is our tendency to compare ourselves to others, whether that's comparing your waistline to your co-worker's or your old station wagon to your neighbor's new BMW.
Doing this almost always leaves us feeling disappointed and inferior, and this is particularly true when it comes to comparing yourself to your partner.
Your partner possesses strengths that you don’t, just as you have strengths they don’t, particularly in the feminine versus masculine domain.
Women and men are different and meant to be so. Your differences can help create a potent polarity between the two of you, which lends itself to incredible passion.
Learning to dance with this polarity between the masculine and the feminine gives your partner a powerful way to more deeply connect with their inner nature.
Being able to soften and nurture your partner when they're overly serious and self-critical is a must. Likewise, providing direction and encouraging action can be just the medicine your partner needs when they feel stuck in indecisiveness.
Both are examples of how you can stop being insecure and instead use polarities to be of value to your lover.
2. Understand you have a special place in your partner’s life.
In your partner's eyes (and heart), you are special. After all, they chose you for a reason.
You have a sacred place with your lover, and when you connect to that reality, you'll realize it's a space only you can occupy.
In that space, you're able to give something truly unique to your partner: an emotional, psychological, and physical connection that only you provide.
You complement your partner. You're the yin to their yang and the bread to their butter. Accept your importance in their life and recognize that by virtue of occupying this sacred relational space, you are close enough to see them and give them what they need.
Once you recognize the power you have in this closeness and role you've been granted, your insecurities will quiet down as you see your true value in their life.
3. Remember that working on yourself is a process with no endpoint.
Perhaps the most powerful way to stop being insecure is to remember that the only thing you can control is yourself.
We are all works in progress, no matter how perfect we seem. Most insecurities arise when people become stagnant. When people grow complacent, they get lazy. They exist but don't evolve.
Their lack of growth becomes a weight that pulls down the other person in their relationship. They no longer have vibrant energy to give to their union, so as they become more stuck, their relationship becomes stagnant, too.
Commit to never stop learning, never stop growing, and never stop giving — all while recognizing the process is continuous and none of us will ever be perfect.
This is the best way to stop being insecure and become the ideal you instead.
When you feel like you're learning, growing, and finding new ways to love and appreciate life, you provide a model for your partner to do the same.
And you'll both enjoy the relationship more.
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Clayton Olson is an International Relationship Coach, Master NLP Practitioner, and Facilitator who delivers private virtual coaching sessions and leads online group workshops.