The 7 MAIN Reasons Relationships Fail — And Precisely What To Do About It

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Here Is The Main Reason Relationships Fail and What To Do About It.

Hollywood sells movies that tell you that you can look in another person in the eye and know you can live happily ever after. 

I fully believe in love at first sight. However, love is not enough. Healthy people take their time when they fall in love. They have the same fun with romantic love as we insecure people do. They know these interactions do not tell them much about the type of love they want for the rest of their lives.

The type of romance that will be in their lives long after their brains and bodies become familiar with each other is much more dynamic and exciting. It is based on an ever deeper understanding of each other. It is tremendously exciting to feel known by another. This is true passion.

If you cannot say "No" to a person who is not right for you, the following may be why your relationships don't last:

1. You mix up two biological processes.

Your genetic instructions have you searching for a partner. However, you also have genetic instructions to be promiscuous. Humans are highly complex. Pair-bonding makes for better ability to survive in the world. Promiscuity makes more babies so the species can survive.

When you are first getting acquainted with someone you are attracted to in both ways, as explained by Louann Brizendine in her book The Female Brain, "The being-in-love circuits… The amygdala — the brain’s fear alert system — and the anterior cingulate — the brain’s worrying and critical thinking system — are turned way down when the love circuits are running full blast."

Not knowing how to say "No" when you are in danger is a relationship killer.

2. You confuse your true desires with wishful thinking.

This allows movement toward expected pleasure and away from non-pleasure (or pain). You can confuse your true desires with the desire to follow the impulses of your wishful thinking about a hoped-for pleasure. Any awareness of problems gets steamrolled under the belief you will be living happily ever after.

3. You have TOO clear of a sense of what you want to feel with a partner. 

You may know that your current partner does not fit in with all of that sense of what you want. This is where you need to know what you don’t know about them. You do not know if they will change and get better. If they do change, you can start to trust them then.

The most important skill a healthy person has in relationship development is to not trust the person they like until they truly know they feel trust.

4. You disregard long-term signs of danger because you're too caught up in it.

The more important the thing is (such as a relationship), the more we attempt to come to conclusions as if we know things we don’t really know. In a bad relationship, we do this by disregarding signals of danger. We choose short term pleasure and blindly expect it to last. It is automatic for your brain to predict the future and feel as if you are certain.

When you are predicting the future and wishful thinking, you will easily rush the process of getting to know someone and be blind to dangers. The good news is, we are also wired to want long term pleasure, comfort, and passion.

It takes about six months for your body/brain to be done with its fevered state of falling-in-love without attention to being afraid.

5. You make emotional decisions about your future.

This includes how you see your partner. Jaak Pankseep, when talking about these instinctive impulses in his book The Archeology of the Mind, said, "The primary-process emotional feelings are raw affects (feelings) that automatically make important decisions for us, at times unwise decisions."

Basing decisions about your future on only these influences allows you to keep making the same mistakes over and over again.

6. You want to be independent AND dependent at the same time.

Humans have an unresolvable tension between a desire to be independent and a desire to be dependent. Both must coexist if you want to experience closeness with another. Empathy and intimacy are experienced only in a shared moment.

The real struggle is to risk being dependent at the same time as asserting who you are to your partner. This only happens when you are aware of yourself and aware of the other person.  

7. You're not aware of possible relationship dangers.

In a psychological sense, it is very challenging to accept that you don’t know possible dangers. You have to feel secure within yourself, alone, to trust the time it takes to get to know another person enough to trust him or her. The more insecure you are, the more you feel bad when important emotional things are unknown.

You hope you know that you're safe when you really don't have enough information to feel safe. If you sense something dangerous or unhealthy about the person you are dating, it will either get better or worse.

Do not try to change it! Wait and see. If it gets worse, gracefully pull away from that person. The quality of this separation will determine the amount of fear you start with in your next involvement.

Keep looking for that joyous connection with another. Take your time when you have found him or her. Know that you want the long-term pleasure which comes with commitment. Do not take the joyous, fevered brain-states of falling in love very seriously.

The first six months is not the time to gamble. After your brain and body have calmed down, you will be better equipped to notice things that will bother you. Weigh the rest of your life against a few months of having fun. Act as if you know what you want.

Say "No" to the person who is not right for you. It takes courage and patience to begin a relationship.

The true spice of intimacy is becoming different at your core as you share with your partner.

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