Generosity IS SEXY!!! Arrogance And Shame Are NOT!

Be genuine

I see shame and arrogance interfering with people’s sex lives all the time. Feelings of shame are often hiding in arrogant attitudes. How can you know if you are one of these types? If you are arrogant you may believe others need to change so you can get your needs met. How’s that working for you? If you are meek, you may believe you aren’t worthy of closeness with others. Not acting on your desire to have companionship is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You become better and better at not risking showing people (including your partner) who you are.


• I don’t dare say who I am.
• I am afraid I will say something stupid if I make myself known.
• He gets so mad when I say what I want.
• If I am not careful, I will just start crying.

These modes of internal dialog build ever stronger walls between you and other people. I like to think of them as brick walls. You can chip out the mortar around one defensive brick and pull it out. Now you see and possibly are seen. That hole is much easier to make larger as you feel capable. I help people make sense of who they are as their armor becomes more porous.


• People should learn to know what I want.
• I can make people do what I want.
• Don’t they know who I am?
• I have earned the right to treat people poorly.

Are you blocking your view of the people around you? Can you truly see yourself without their impressions of you? You are hiding feelings of inadequacy with your blustery attitude; even if you might not be aware of it. If you can’t control people, will you feel incapable of controlling yourself? Why even try to be on equal footing? I, again, think of arrogance as a defensive wall made of bricks. If you are willing to start chipping at it, you may find the ease of functioning worth letting down your guard. Keep looking for areas where the bricks (belief in you as more deserving than others) are easy to knock out. You will now be standing stronger in your vulnerability. Highly sexy! No need to prove it.

Sex is best when the parties involved see, sense and understand each other. Sex needs to become ever more reciprocal to be its most thrilling and comforting. If all you want is controlled sex, don’t worry about changing your attitude. Meek people, you can keep your passion hidden from others. Blustery folks, you can keep insisting on getting the kind of sex you want without growing together with awareness of your partner. If you want more, be brave, show your authentic self.

An attitude of enquiring is the starting point. Relax in the knowledge you have and be an honest, brave, supportive and kind self. You will begin to do and say the right things the more you practice. Even little bits of progress become cumulative. Our wiring requires us to be close to others. Simply stop blocking your natural connection and notice your progress, rather than your imperfections.

Bill Maier, LCSW has more writings about softening shame on his website:  He has successfully helped hundreds of adults, youth, couples and families in a private practice setting since 1986 learn to recognize and act on their value systems.