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Take the first steps to being the man your partner deserves in your relationship.
By Apollonia Ponti
Last updated on Jan 16, 2024
Knowing how to be a good partner isn't always intuitive, especially for men who don't grow up learning about relationships and love the way women do. Guys don't tend to sit around talking about how to be a great boyfriend, and that's sad!
As much as we'd like to think being a good husband or boyfriend should come naturally, for most people, it doesn't.
For those guys who want to learn how to be a better boyfriend, it's crucial to recognize it's your job to take the first steps toward becoming the man you believe your partner deserves in your relationship or marriage.
It comes as no secret that healthy relationships take work. One critical thing to remember is your work has to be done — or at least in progress — before you can feel fulfilled with a partner and in a relationship.
If you want to treat your partner right and make her fall even more deeply in love with you, be sure you're giving her the best version of you every day.
Here are 10 tiny habits that will make you a better boyfriend than 98% of guys:
1. Take ownership of your role in things.
Traditionally, women want a man that will respect them and give them attention. Why? Because many women are emotional beings and will make decisions based on how you make them feel.
On the contrary, most men are taught to make decisions based on logic. Only you know how you’re not showing up for her.
It’s time to take a new path because the one you've been on doesn't seem to work anymore. Starting now, take ownership of your responsibilities.
Do not place blame on your partner, do not play the victim, and show up 100 percent. A lot of the time, partners blame each other for their faults. This makes the arguments go around and around in circles.
Been there? It happens because nobody takes ownership!
It is crucial to understand you are a separate being — even in a relationship — and if your partner is unhappy with something, you respect the fact they were honest with you and can take ownership for what you did wrong or what you can do better.
Keep this mentality to stay in your zone. Don’t worry! It does not bring animosity or blame to the relationship.
2. Be present with her.
Women want to be heard, and they want to feel like their man understands and supports them. The biggest step is to take a moment and listen to her. Be 100 percent present when she's speaking with you. Put your phone down, stop watching sports, and be there for her.
You may be thinking, "But she talks constantly ..."
The moment you start getting in the habit of listening to her and being fully present when she speaks, the less she will approach you over the same topics. Why? Because her needs are being met, and she feels heard.
This, in turn, ensures that she is secure and content with the relationship. Think about what you are offering her. Are you communicating in a positive, productive, and healthy way?
3. Make sure she knows how much you appreciate her.
Before going to bed, talk about the positive things that happened in your day or what you are thankful for. Spend about ten minutes doing this, and then go to sleep.
When you wake up in the morning, you say nothing to your partner for the first 15 minutes of your day. All you need to do is hold each other for 15 minutes. If you do this activity for 3-4 weeks, you will feel a new closeness with your partner and a dramatic shift in your relationship.
It can help clear any emotional attachments to a negative situation and help you make the effort to become a better person.
Many women look for a man who will make them feel safe, secure (which also means loyal), happy, honorable, heard, beautiful, and independent.
It's not that difficult to be a better boyfriend if you understand what's behind your partner's needs.
If you don't know what she'd like to hear or how, ask her!
4. Invest in your personal development.
A lot of men think that when they find the right woman, it’s just going to take away all their pain. They find themselves wondering why the woman they love might not be enough.
Typically, this is something that stems from childhood.
When a man is raised in a household where love isn’t shown a lot (or at all), it's common for the spark to die inside him when he starts to feel loved and secure.
These men become hooked on the thrill and the chase of a new relationship, so when a woman starts to open up and share her love for you, they clam up.
If this sounds like you, then it's likely that, as a child, you were emotionally wired to resist love. This is something that you have subconsciously adapted to.
Another common trend with men is related to their parents' relationship with one another. If they were raised in a household where their mother and father fought a lot, they end up reproducing the same behavior in their relationships as adults. It seems normal to them.
It may lead to a lot of fights and can develop into emotional, verbal, or physical abuse.
To be a better boyfriend or husband, you need to do your work to be happy and healthy.
When you work through the root of the problem and challenge yourself to work past that, you will shift toward personal development.
5. Own your faults.
You cannot continue to place blame on your partner. You have to take responsibility if the issue is stemming from you.
Everyone has faults. You can only control the behavior you're responsible for.
If you annoy or upset your partner, you must make appropriate changes.
Are you always late? Perhaps you expect her to cook every night, even though you've both worked all day. What are the recurrent problems?
If you don't know, ask!
Maybe you feel stuck in an unhealthy relationship and haven't made the changes you need to be happy. If you're ignoring problems you control, you're giving your power away by blaming people for their faults.
You will never control your partner’s actions, but you can set a positive example. If one partner is not showing up, the other can walk away.
6. Create healthy boundaries.
When are a positive example of the man you want to be, your partner receives guidelines to set healthy boundaries, too.
Boundaries feel a little bit scary at first.
You know when you were a little boy and did something wrong and got in trouble? There is that little moment of fright when you know you messed up. You crossed a boundary.
This should be a reference point in a relationship.
The decisions you make are based on you and your partner. You aren’t staying out till five in the morning with your buddies if your partner doesn't like it. If you do, then you're losing respect and breaking boundaries.
Treat your partner's boundaries the way you want your partner to treat yours: with respect.
Have conversations about your wants and values in a relationship — then set the tone every day by living by them.
7. Take hold of your relationship role.
Owning your relationship role is huge — especially when you want to know how to be a better husband or boyfriend.
Despite how it is portrayed in movies and popular TV, your relationship role does not come from your ego.
You don't need to yell to be heard, raise your tone because you're more dominant than your partner, tell a woman what to do or how to act because you’re the man, etc.
All of this is a lack of respect, and if you find yourself doing this, it needs to stop, or you will never be happy.
You have to have balance in a relationship. But that doesn't mean men have to be traditional "manly men" and women have to be some subservient stereotype.
Men and women share nurturing and providing roles, there has to be a balance in a relationship. You must allow yourself to be strong and soft for your woman.
Your role in a relationship is not to be dominant but to know where you stand and where to show up best. When disagreements happen, give her a chance to speak and remember to always speak from your heart.
Before you respond, ask yourself, "Is this coming from my heart or my ego?"
This gives you the ability to be more present with her and shows her that you are setting positive boundaries.
8. Stay committed to your partner and be trustworthy.
There is nothing better than a man taking action! This is one of the biggest things that women pay attention to, and it can ultimately destroy the relationship.
A man gets true credibility when he sticks to his word and takes action in his follow-up. This is where trust and security are built for a woman.
She wants to know you are dependable and she can count on you. You show her this through the measures you take as a man by keeping to your word. Stay away from temptations that can drive a rift in your relationship.
Find new ways to discover what thrills with your partner.
Want to be a better boyfriend? Drop the bad habits and show up confidently to be 100 percent loyal. Both of you deserve this from one another.
9. Fulfill her needs and desires
Your physical relationship is important, but so is your emotional connection. Find what interests both of you. What does your partner love?
Learn about them so you can stimulate her mind and speak to her about what she likes. Find out what she values in life. When you can discuss what you both love, an intellectual connection is formed, and this can lead to more physical intimacy.
You might be surprised by the answers women give when asked what they find attractive in men. They're often not what men expect.
One common thread? You have to be there for her.
For many women, the most attractive thing is when a man can be connected in such a way that draws her to him emotionally.
This means being in tune with yourself, being honest and open, and sharing that part of yourself with her.
Photo: AshTproductions via Shutterstock
10. Respect your happiness and needs, and take care of yourself.
What does it take for you to be happy and in a relationship? It could be financial freedom, graduating, finding a perfect job, or breaking free of past behaviors.
There is nothing better than a man having a positive outlook on life.
This is a highly valued (and rare!) quality today. If you are a man with a positive outlook on life, not only will you be desirable to women, but you'll be desirable to yourself.
Self-love is not taught to us growing up, but this is the vital principle to everything in life — not just relationships. When you can succeed in loving yourself more than anything else, you will set the tone for all your relationships.
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Apollonia Ponti is a dating and relationship expert and certified coach who works with men and women to get exactly what they want from their love life.
This article was originally published at Apollonia Ponti. Reprinted with permission from the author.