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Finally, a daring dating strategy for alpha women.
By Catherine Behan — Written on Apr 13, 2018
I don’t know about you but I hang out with a dynamite group of strong women.
Warrior women, we have overcome snarky acquaintances, life adjusting illnesses, and #MeToo experiences in both professional and family environments, and we all work in a world where women in business are looked down at across the board, even by other women.
Just how attractive are alpha men anyway?
Even with clear evidence of missteps, many alpha women persist in the belief that only alpha men are good mates because of matches in ambition, charisma, and drive. As this post is published, well-known life coach Tony Robbins was confronted by an audience member for his unsupportive attitude toward the #MeToo movement.
The video has gone viral. Hats off to Nanine McCool who stood up in front of thousands of people to call him out.
I, representing the alpha women in my circle, am proudly aware of how fortunate I am to have overcome life’s crappola so far. It is also clear that the independence, strength, and purpose that comes from overcoming obstacles is worth its weight in gold.
So what’s the problem? Many of these same strong women in my world are single and not happy about it.
As the singer Alanis Morissette was quoted on the Telegraph, "Alpha men are very turned on by the alpha woman — really high chemistry, really fun to work with, probably really fun to have affairs with. But there can only be one person in the driver’s seat." So, alpha women, are you ready for some good news?
Matchmaking Company Three Day Rule founder and CEO, Talia Goldstein, says a resounding "Hell Yes!" Talia Goldstein is one of the country’s most sought-after sources on dating and has been featured in outlets like Marie Claire, Business Insider, and Fast Company.
Single women with alpha personalities think they know what "type" will make a lasting match.
But in a study of thousands of real dates, Goldstein's research reveals some shocking facts. As an extrovert married to an introvert herself, she is convinced that women who identify as alphas are missing out big time.
"We spent years collecting data on how different personality archetypes mesh and interact in the dating space by collecting pre-date preferences and then asking clients for post-date feedback," says Goldstein. "When we meet with single women, they often think they know what type of man they’d be attracted to (usually men who they see as their equal — i.e. equally as dominant, equally as successful, etc.). When we collected and analyzed data from almost 5,000 real dates between different types of personalities, it told a different story."
Goldstein’s research indicates that 81 percent of women who identified as an "alpha" female (successful, career-oriented, confident, independent women with dominant personalities) dismissed the idea of dating men who they thought were more "beta" (guys that most women would call "nice" but didn't have very strong or dominant personalities — qualities that most women see as very masculine and attractive).
Science says that a slight change in mindset makes for more matches.
Her research found that 73 percent of these women with the alpha personality rejected a match with a "beta" personality type after a first date because they felt their personality differences made them incompatible and not on the "same page".
I completely resonated with this observation. While introverted men are interesting and seem genuinely interested in the initial coffee meet and greet/chemistry check meetings, they completely drop the ball in following up for a date.
The data on successfully matched couples (defined as couples who went on seven or more dates) shocked the matchmakers at Three Day Rule: "70 [percent] of the successful relationships which 'alpha' women were in were actually with men who had more 'beta' personalities. This suggests that when open-minded 'alpha' women gave their 'beta' date a second shot, the likelihood of finding a connection increased."
Goldstein adds, "This could be because the 'beta' personality types might not make the most memorable first impressions, but make excellent partners in the long run. The balance of a dominant and passive personality type is actually quite complementary."
According to Dr. Sonya Rhodes, author of The Alpha Woman Meets Her Match, research indicates that "in the U.S., women between 30 and 45 are getting married at a higher rate than women in any other age group. They’re now leaving it until they are more mature, until their career has developed and they’re in a better place to choose their partners."
There is a caveat: "They just need to start looking past the competitive, domineering alpha male."
Alpha women can feel deeply loved and valued by a beta man.
Are you an alpha woman? For the sake of this discussion, this is what E-Harmony defines as alpha:
- Are you more task focused and single-minded than other women?
- Do you see motherhood as something that will happen ‘later’?
- Do you see yourself as emotionally self-sufficient?
- Are you sometimes accused of being aggressive?
- Are you likely to get straight to the point in conversations?
Turns out lots of us like the smooth social savvy of an outgoing alpha man with easy self-confidence and self-esteem to match. The trouble is, these relationships do not last. Research is clear about that. Alpha women can feel deeply loved and connected in a relationship with a beta or introverted men.
Your role isn't reversed forever.
"There is a difference between self-esteem and self-confidence,” reports Fran Greene, author of The Flirting Bible. "Self-esteem is how a man feels about himself on the inside and self-confidence is how he is perceived by others on the outside."
"A few bad dates and a heartbreak or two and beta men are even less likely to overcome their self-doubt to pursue a strong beautiful woman," Greene goes on to say.
What does this mean to you, Warrior Woman?
If you have been single longer than you like and you have been disappointed by your experiences with alpha men, I challenge you to take a second look at your aversion to taking on the alpha role in dating an introverted or beta man.
"Your role isn't reversed forever," encourages Talia Goldstein. "Once the connection is established, the energy moves naturally between the couple. One is the rock while the other is the star. One keeps the couple grounded while the other shines."
(Remember the study indicated seven encounters before a deep enough bond is created to get the Warrior Woman to that 70 percent satisfaction point.)
According to E-Harmony, "A beta male is more likely to take the supportive role with a woman, to allow her to lead, to shine, and to be herself in all her glory. A beta male is likely to provide long-term security for a woman; he will allow the relationship to focus on her needs and is likely to be emotionally tuned-in to her ups and downs."
Not bad, huh?
How do you let a beta know you want more?
"There is no point waiting around if you are still single!" Goldstein insists. "A strong woman has nothing to lose to be proactive. The #MeToo and #TimesUp movements have left men more confused than ever with how to date."
How long will you wait?
Goldstein goes on to recommend to strong independent women: "Look for someone who will complement you and not be a clone of you, give nice guys the benefit of the doubt, and go into every first (and second!) date with an open mind. Remember you’re looking for a slow burn, not fireworks."
This is an extraordinarily easy theory to test. There is a huge pool of introverted engineers, accountants, scientists, and other brainiacs out there on online dating sites and in person.
Here is the issue: you have to remember that many introverted men have a strong inner dialog that is excellent at dissolving any connection you felt during your first meeting.
That dialogue may go something like this:
- She probably doesn't like me anyway.
- I don’t measure up to the other guys she is dating.
- I am not as interesting as the other men.
- She really doesn't like me.
- I’m sure she doesn't like me.
Being a strong, positive, and beautiful alpha woman, you may resist this advice with all your might at first but with a little practice, this is only another way for you to shine. You want to pour positivity on an introverted man during the early stages.
Don’t overdo it. His intelligence is one of the hottest things about him and you don’t want to insult that but, it is often the awkward social skills that create a communication breakdown, especially if during the date you feel a connection but he doesn't follow up on.
This is exactly what has been happening to me and the reason I started researching this very problem.
So thank you Fran Greene, author of Dating Again With Courage and Confidence, for these great ideas for how to shine strong and ask an introverted man for his time and attention.
She suggests always using their name when encouraging introverts to ask you out again. This small gesture goes far in communicating he matters to you.
1. If you are highly attracted, tell him.
"Jeff, I felt so comfortable with you. In fact, I was pleasantly surprised at how safe and comfortable I felt tonight."
Affirming that you feel safe, protected, or cared for affirms for him the value of his quiet presence.
2. If you definitely want a date, set the next meeting before you end your first meeting.
Take something from your coffee date, a common interest or event upcoming and say, "Bob, I notice that the Watercolor Society is having an open house this weekend, would you like to go together?"
Asking if he wants to go together is not as assertive as saying, "Do you want to go on Friday?"
3. If the opportunity to set a second meeting up doesn't happen, follow up.
Text right after you get home from the first meeting and say something like, "Carlos, I had a really phenomenal time meeting you. When would you like to get together again?
"That direct?" I said to Fran
"Yes, that direct," she replied.
4. Compliment his quietness.
"Jim, I am so naturally talkative, I can learn a lot from how quiet and you are. You are such a good listener."
Challenge yourself to identify the values a complementary personality can bring to your life. Be honest with yourself.
5. Know when to let it go, yet keep the door open.
Once you have texted and perhaps called to invite his attention, letting it go is the best idea.
"Johnny, it seems for whatever reason that it isn't a match between us at the moment. I would still enjoy getting together so please go ahead and text me should you want to get together again."
Don’t be surprised if an introvert reaches back to you after a few weeks. Give him the benefit of the doubt. He has worked up his courage to reach out! Reward him with your attention, see if there is anything there.
And finally, back in 2014, Dr. Rhodes says this, "I’ve been married for 50 years this summer, and I have a great beta husband; an architect called Robert. He’s supportive, he makes me laugh, he’s not threatened by me and he pushes back when I get bossy. We have a wonderful marriage and we make each other happy every day."
You can’t argue with the statistics. Are you ready to date a beta? Sound in with a comment below and let us know what you think!
Catherine Behan is a peak performance coach specializing in communication who can zero in on and uncover hidden blocks to success like nobody’s business. She enjoys coloring, collecting sea glass with her dogs at the beach, being inspired by Shark Tank, and relishes the idea of a Beta man of her own. Have fun with the Personal Magnetism Quiz at datingCPR.com and find her blog on her website.